Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
wrote this with intention of sharing but I don't do grammar "well" when I type on my phone now spell check. Also super tired. Typing with one hand.)
It is so hard to speak. I like to talk. I've been shamed in the past for using writing to start conversations and express myself. I will not allow that anymore. I will not allow shame to trap me alone with this weight I am carrying A LOT of weight. Im going to try healthy and proper expression? While im living where im at bc why not. Suspiciously doesn't feel too... dangerous... even tho the program director said it..(I am ok here) I still worrying about ending up homeless cause mentally I kinda suck.. sometimes... dunno... anyway.
I am constantly self reflecting. Here are some of the things coming up.
Having to plan my anything requires being in reality and i literally can't. Im glad ive finally summed up this bullshit but... what next,?
just distract constantly. I can't even really slip into day dreams. Slip into ruminations of my conversations with people. Criticisms. I... literally am dealing. I hope and wish that things could be a lil better for me. I also am super aware of my general complete lack of life and misery. This isn't some self imposed punishment. Nor am i stuck in my ways. Just tired. Too much weight for me. I've HAD to survive so much and now... I didn't want to survive and life through it all. I had no choice.
I just don't know how to go about this choice. How much waiting can my heart take. I will hold all of this even while crumbling inside. The reality is... I don't feel like I have the energy to do what it takes to live. Don't wanna live by just scraping on the insides.
So, im tryna get the energy to exit outta this existence. That I am ok with bc I am tired.
I've endured a lot of abuse and horrific shit etc etc that has worn me the fuck out.
In life theres multiple ways. It isn't infinite tho. Being grown and rasied in certain ways plus aspects of myself (black/queer/poor/ill) leave me very disadvantaged.
Like society or whatever pushes this ideal of living through all the shit. Like its some triumphant trophy.Being 10 steps lower so having to work 200x harder for anything.
Wowww im resilient!! I've live through multiple categories of abuse i am sooo strong and great and this life of struggle is some trophy.!!
Fucking please. I hate this very existence. Its hard for me to focus on anything when Im actually TRYING to be in reality... the irony..
Trying to be in reality for me is a dangerous concept. I end up feeling soo horrible slipping away.. disassociate.. im not trying im a way that is correct or conducive towards my healing(if that even exists anymore.) I don't have any life for anything. Takes too much energy to liv(correctly) and to much to die(correctly)
Many many aspects too tired rn to right its an organized concept but. I have it all in my head and heart. I've been thinking and trying to figure shit out. This self reflection is allowing me to see through things.
It is so hard to speak. I like to talk. I've been shamed in the past for using writing to start conversations and express myself. I will not allow that anymore. I will not allow shame to trap me alone with this weight I am carrying A LOT of weight. Im going to try healthy and proper expression? While im living where im at bc why not. Suspiciously doesn't feel too... dangerous... even tho the program director said it..(I am ok here) I still worrying about ending up homeless cause mentally I kinda suck.. sometimes... dunno... anyway.
I am constantly self reflecting. Here are some of the things coming up.
Having to plan my anything requires being in reality and i literally can't. Im glad ive finally summed up this bullshit but... what next,?
just distract constantly. I can't even really slip into day dreams. Slip into ruminations of my conversations with people. Criticisms. I... literally am dealing. I hope and wish that things could be a lil better for me. I also am super aware of my general complete lack of life and misery. This isn't some self imposed punishment. Nor am i stuck in my ways. Just tired. Too much weight for me. I've HAD to survive so much and now... I didn't want to survive and life through it all. I had no choice.
I just don't know how to go about this choice. How much waiting can my heart take. I will hold all of this even while crumbling inside. The reality is... I don't feel like I have the energy to do what it takes to live. Don't wanna live by just scraping on the insides.
So, im tryna get the energy to exit outta this existence. That I am ok with bc I am tired.
I've endured a lot of abuse and horrific shit etc etc that has worn me the fuck out.
In life theres multiple ways. It isn't infinite tho. Being grown and rasied in certain ways plus aspects of myself (black/queer/poor/ill) leave me very disadvantaged.
Like society or whatever pushes this ideal of living through all the shit. Like its some triumphant trophy.Being 10 steps lower so having to work 200x harder for anything.
Wowww im resilient!! I've live through multiple categories of abuse i am sooo strong and great and this life of struggle is some trophy.!!
Fucking please. I hate this very existence. Its hard for me to focus on anything when Im actually TRYING to be in reality... the irony..
Trying to be in reality for me is a dangerous concept. I end up feeling soo horrible slipping away.. disassociate.. im not trying im a way that is correct or conducive towards my healing(if that even exists anymore.) I don't have any life for anything. Takes too much energy to liv(correctly) and to much to die(correctly)
Many many aspects too tired rn to right its an organized concept but. I have it all in my head and heart. I've been thinking and trying to figure shit out. This self reflection is allowing me to see through things.
