oziinnz
Member
- Mar 23, 2022
- 54
Has something ever happened in your life that has really made you question how good of a person you actually are or how kind/compassionate/caring you are to those you love?
I know life and our own problems or distractions can affect how much time and love we give to those we love but after my sister ctb I am seriously questioning what kind of person I am.
I don't know if I've been living like half asleep and not really present with ppl but I look back now and I realise that even though I knew she was going through the hardest time in her life and I was worried I was still inconsistent, barely in touch, not really present, not really truly asking her how she was and responding thoughtfully and compassionately enough. All in all I thought I wasn't a bad person, I thought loving people was enough but somewhere along the road I got so uses to just saying I love you I forgot to really demonstrate that I didn't really slow down and think about what she needed from me even when she'd been suicidal. I am seeing myself in this new light and I don't like what I see, I hate myself. I've been selfish, distracted, not caring enough, impatient, all of the things and if I'd really slowed down and thought about how I could best show her love and support inknow she'd not be dead. This is not a pity party and I don't want people to say it's not my fault... this is a what the fuck moment that is ongoing and worsening, in realisation to the fact I'm actually not that great of a person. I'm a selfish bitch. I deserve to die. And this is all just more motivation to follow through because this rumination will never go away
And she will never come back
I know life and our own problems or distractions can affect how much time and love we give to those we love but after my sister ctb I am seriously questioning what kind of person I am.
I don't know if I've been living like half asleep and not really present with ppl but I look back now and I realise that even though I knew she was going through the hardest time in her life and I was worried I was still inconsistent, barely in touch, not really present, not really truly asking her how she was and responding thoughtfully and compassionately enough. All in all I thought I wasn't a bad person, I thought loving people was enough but somewhere along the road I got so uses to just saying I love you I forgot to really demonstrate that I didn't really slow down and think about what she needed from me even when she'd been suicidal. I am seeing myself in this new light and I don't like what I see, I hate myself. I've been selfish, distracted, not caring enough, impatient, all of the things and if I'd really slowed down and thought about how I could best show her love and support inknow she'd not be dead. This is not a pity party and I don't want people to say it's not my fault... this is a what the fuck moment that is ongoing and worsening, in realisation to the fact I'm actually not that great of a person. I'm a selfish bitch. I deserve to die. And this is all just more motivation to follow through because this rumination will never go away
And she will never come back
Last edited: