Venting Self hatred

[fillthevoid]

I actually don't normally hate on myself that much. But now I'm getting closer to taking that final decision to kill myself, I'm seriously considering the impact it is going to have on my family. My family have done nothing but be kind, supportive and loving all my life. They are some of the most genuine, lovely people I have ever met. I feel sick to my stomach to do it to them.

All I have ever brought is hassle. I have contributed nothing to anybody, just take take take. As a kid I was just constantly annoying, full of myself, an attention seeking little brat. And now as an adult, I'm just a failure. They put up with me, paid for me, fed me, loved me all these years for absolutely nothing.

I'm so ungrateful. They did so much for me and all I can do is complain and sit here planning to destroy all of it. Destroy everything they put into me. Destroy their lives. Destroy my nephew's and nieces lives. I'm so fucking selfish. But I can't do it anymore.

I can't even think about my boyfriend. I know he won't care. Maybe he'll be a little shook for a few days, but ultimately he'll be absolutely fine. His life is basically absent of me anyway. It hurts to think about him and to think about the wonderful picture I had built up in my mind, the life I wanted. But I know that it was a lie and it was all one sided. I'm not sure I even know him anymore.

There are a few others who will be shook at well. But I know that for them it will ultimately just be gossip for a few days. Such as at work etc. It will seem out of the blue even though it's really not, so it will be a shock. But life will soon continue as normal...

But for my parents, god, the kindest people I know and I do this to them. I know this and yet I'm still going to do it. That makes me a monster.

I wish I could be one of those people to pull myself together, get my life in order, work hard, earn money, clear my parents debts and buy them a lovely house in the country to retire in happily. I wish I could take responsibility for my own life, buy my own house, have some pets, find a nice guy, go traveling, have friends, have babies, have projects to work on, make myself feel worthwhile and give myself the life I want. But that's not me. I'm not capable. I'm a complete and utter fail at life. If this was a computer game I would restart the level because I already wrecked it and destroyed my chances. And even if I hadn't wrecked it, I reckon I'm too stupid and niave and childish and emotional to do anything good with my life anyway.

Honestly I just feel as though I don't deserve this life. I wish I could pass it over to someone who does.

I really am such a shit example of a human being. My ancestors would laugh at me. I'm weak and pathetic and just so stupid. And there's nothing I can do about it. I hate me.

 

[jimmy7754]

I gotta go

 

[whatevs]

Having babies is immoral though. Even if I was healthy and relatively content I wouldn't have kids. I believe this place we are in is inherently miserable and fucking and making copies of your lineage just keeps the monstrosity/Matrix going.

 

[fillthevoid]

Having babies is immoral though. Even if I was healthy and relatively content I wouldn't have kids. I believe this place we are in is inherently miserable and fucking and making copies of your lineage just keeps the monstrosity/Matrix going.

Maybe having babies is selfish, maybe it's not entirely and maybe not everyone sufferers as deeply as we do. Maybe for some, life is genuinely good and worth it. Maybe it's all horrible and having kids is the ultimate act of selfishness. I don't know the answer to that and I'm really not here to argue it as it does no good. I feel that it would have brought me some happiness, to share my love with my babe, to nurture, that's all I know. The feeling is so strong. For me, I feel it comes from the same place as wanting food - it's a very innate, natural human instinct. I think there are topics such as this that are more complex than a simple black and white, yes or no, right or wrong. Kids, obviously aren't an option for me anymore anyway, so debate on the issue is pointless. Merely venting. That's one part of the life I would have liked to experience. That's all. I don't really need to justify feeling that way which is a perfectly natural way to feel and natural desire to have as a member of the animal kingdom. It may defy your logic, but it is what it is. It would have brought me a deep level of fulfillment in this human existence. Rightly or wrongly. I know this much.

 

[whatevs]

You defended your position well, I approve! Hahaha

Anyway this is your thread and it's not for debating the (for me at the present moment) obvious inmorality and folly of reproduction. I just read everything you wrote but felt compelled to blurt out some antinatalism.

 

[fillthevoid]

You defended your position well, I approve! Hahaha

Anyway this is your thread and it's not for debating the (for me at the present moment) obvious inmorality and folly of reproduction. I just read everything you wrote but felt compelled to blurt out some antinatalism.

It's fair enough and I respect your opinion and totally get where you're coming from. I'm not to say what's right or wrong. This world and life in general to be honest is a total mess, and morality doesn't even really exist, it's a human construct. But we're made up of hormones and electrical impulses and feelings and it's human nature I think to try make sense of stuff. I don't know what's truly good or bad, only what I feel. And I know that feelings are built from and distorted by experience, so it's really impossible to come to any conclusion and say with certainty that something is correct. I just try to do what I feel is right because it hurts me to hurt others. So I guess even to care is selfish. I don't fucking know lol. We all just plod around this earth and try to make sense of it. I feel all we can do is try be honest with ourselves as much as we actually can and then make the best of it from there.

 

[FuneralCry]

Living really is so painful and unbearable. I can imagine that it must be torture having to deal with so much self hatred. To me, suicide can never be selfish, it is a human right but I know that it is a difficult situation to be in when you have people that you are leaving behind. I wish you the best.

 

[Hiraeth Grimoire]

I am really sorry you were born and have experienced your own unique torture sentence. I understand how you feel about your family to an extent. My parents were quite cruel to me in the past but have since become nicer, and because of that, I feel really shitty for leaving them, my brother, and other relatives. It is such a tragedy that any of us were born, if anything you would be doing a potential future sentient being a blessing by not bringing it into this scolding hell pit of existence for it to have a painful death sentence as we do.