Venting Self hatred

[uxorious]

I know it seems weird to people who don't know me but I really hate myself. Anyone else feel this way about themselves?

I struggle so much with all my past mistakes, regrets, screw ups, all the times I was selfish and put myself first. I've conned my parents out of thousands of pounds, failed uni because I put my drinking first, killled my pet, f*cked up my relationship with my siblings, failed to top myself properly.... I could go on. I really feel objectively some people just end up hurting and taking and it's better off for everyone in the long run not to have to deal with it. For myself, I have let so many people down in my life and always taken (hardly ever gave) and I absolutely loathe myself for it. I hate that I couldn't deal with any of my problems effectively whatsoever.

People always say I can't be "that" bad and I'm not a murderer, psychopath, bla bla, etc but I don't have to be an axe murderer to feel I'm obviously not a good person....... does anyone get this?

 

[FadedMemory]

I hate myself too. I lost friends because of social anxiety, I have no experience with relationships (never even kissed), everyone I knew now hates me, and I will never be able to fit in because my brain seems to be broken and I don't know how to be a human.
My past mistakes will always haunt me and I can't start anew.
I feel guilty whenever I go to a therapist because she can't see that I am a horrible person and thinks I can be helped.
Man, I can't wait to run away from this awful place.

 

[Tiburcio]

I constantly try to not falling into self-hatred and it's not easy specially with all this anxuety difficulting things. I achieved to pretending I liked myself for a lot of years but I can't blind my eyes forever. I decayed and I can't rise again. I'm fucked.

 

[SnowyDreams]

I feel that way too. I hate myself so much and rightfully so. My parents are not very understanding but they gave me everything and I wasted it. They let me go to college and I screwed it. They let me go on trips I didn't deserve. My friends stopped talking to me because I can't hide the fact that I'm miserable. I can't even take proper care of my house and it makes me so angry. I think I'm trying but then I realize I'm a fuck up and I can't do anything right because it's my fucking fault.

 

[stellabelle]

I hate myself and have for a very long time. I understand where you're coming from entirely.

 

[Floraknife]

This whole thread feels like I could have wrote it hahah

So uh... Yeah. A lot. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy from hell

 

[msexit]

I hate my situation and constant suffering, but I try not to hate myself for doing all I could and more to recover

 

[CuriousAboutThis]

I know it seems weird to people who don't know me but I really hate myself. Anyone else feel this way about themselves?

I struggle so much with all my past mistakes, regrets, screw ups, all the times I was selfish and put myself first. I've conned my parents out of thousands of pounds, failed uni because I put my drinking first, killled my pet, f*cked up my relationship with my siblings, failed to top myself properly.... I could go on. I really feel objectively some people just end up hurting and taking and it's better off for everyone in the long run not to have to deal with it. For myself, I have let so many people down in my life and always taken (hardly ever gave) and I absolutely loathe myself for it. I hate that I couldn't deal with any of my problems effectively whatsoever.

People always say I can't be "that" bad and I'm not a murderer, psychopath, bla bla, etc but I don't have to be an axe murderer to feel I'm obviously not a good person....... does anyone get this?

I get that for I know I am more or less a good person depending on my state of mind and minds of others but I understand such feelings.

 

[21Neberg]

I fucking hate myself as well. Looks, personality, past mistakes, I'm a failure in all social things.

 

[Pulpit2018]

There are moments where I do hate myself when i think of stupid things i have done.I know that at that time,i had limited knowledge and resources,but it bugs the hell out of me that i could not make better decisions.

 

[RyanSuicide]

I can relate to you very much. I hated myself terribly for about ten years and it ain't much better now. That's why living another 50 years scares me, I've already had enough at this point

 

[Rollo]

Well first thing is whether you hate yourself for actually being selfish or for failing to live up to somebody and them shaming you as selfish. OP said she killed her pet, conned her parents and destroyed relations with siblings. Maybe she actually did kill her pet by neglect and fool her parents out of money. Or maybe she let her cat go on a balcony, he fell and she was shamed for it. And by conning parents out of money she meant not taking university seriously enough and thus wasting money her parents spent on her education.

If it's actual acts of selfishness, then the fact you hate it means you changed your views. So you can hate the way you was but no the way you are.

If you hate things like your looks then it basically means you hate your enviroment. But you don't get to wish majority of your enviroment. Part of it you do get to wish - you will wish it anyway. Part that you don't get to wish just going to be there, no matter how much you hate it. So there isn't much sense hating it.

 

[JustAboutDone]

I fucking hate myself as well. Looks, personality, past mistakes, I'm a failure in all social things.

But you are so kind - you are often the first person to reply on here when somebody posts asking for advice. You are thoughtful and considerate x

 

[JustAboutDone]

There are moments where I do hate myself when i think of stupid things i have done.I know that at that time,i had limited knowledge and resources,but it bugs the hell out of me that i could not make better decisions.

Decisions can be so hard to make as we only have limited information presented to us at any one time. Don't punish yourself for not making "better" ones when you didn't know any better.

 

[Othermind]

Yep, so much so that if I accidentally stumble upon something that reminds me of the horrible things I've done in the past (pretty much anything at this point) my whole day is ruined.
I look up the plot of any piece of media that I consume beforehand to make sure it doesn't contain anything sensitive.
I also self-harm like crazy.
Let's see how long it takes for me to get addicted to alcohol and benzos and then it's gonna be time to pull the plug on this shitshow.

 

[21Neberg]

But you are so kind - you are often the first person to reply on here when somebody posts asking for advice. You are thoughtful and considerate x

Thanks, I really appreciate it. I don't know what to say.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Thanks, I really appreciate it. I don't know what to say.

It's the truth; you're so generous to other people with advice xx

 

[Xerox]

This resonates with me. I'm overwhelmed by self-hatred, will never make it; in fact have not made it, largely bc of social anxiety and lingering effects of an abusive childhood. I'm an embarrassment and literally have no people. I relate to the dread of living 50 more years. I'm also disgusted that I haven't CTB yet. I feel ill-equipped to come to a plan after failing at suspension hanging

 

[JustAboutDone]

This resonates with me. I'm overwhelmed by self-hatred, will never make it; in fact have not made it, largely bc of social anxiety and lingering effects of an abusive childhood. I'm an embarrassment and literally have no people. I relate to the dread of living 50 more years. I'm also disgusted that I haven't CTB yet. I feel ill-equipped to come to a plan after failing at suspension hanging

I know it's no consolation but none of this is your fault. Social anxiety often stems from an abusive childhood as you receive no validation or the right sort of love. Don't be hard on yourself about failing at suspension hanging, lots of people find it bloody hard. Xx

 

[kkatt]

I've been single for years,since my partner died.Never thought I would need anyone again. But I fell hard for an old mate.
I loathe this because he is married and has a family. It's something I always hated and now I'm the shit stirrer.
Whatever I do,I know this will end badly. My life is such a fucking mess just now.

 

[sneakysneaky]

Just last night, I wrote on my notebook a list of reasons why I hate myself. It took me like 2 or 3 minutes to fill up 2 whole pages. I'm not even done yet.

 

[leaps]

I hate myself too I can't even begin to express my emotions.

 

[Redt2go]

Mooooooood

 

[azucaramargo]

I know it seems weird to people who don't know me but I really hate myself. Anyone else feel this way about themselves?

I struggle so much with all my past mistakes, regrets, screw ups, all the times I was selfish and put myself first. I've conned my parents out of thousands of pounds, failed uni because I put my drinking first, killled my pet, f*cked up my relationship with my siblings, failed to top myself properly.... I could go on. I really feel objectively some people just end up hurting and taking and it's better off for everyone in the long run not to have to deal with it. For myself, I have let so many people down in my life and always taken (hardly ever gave) and I absolutely loathe myself for it. I hate that I couldn't deal with any of my problems effectively whatsoever.

People always say I can't be "that" bad and I'm not a murderer, psychopath, bla bla, etc but I don't have to be an axe murderer to feel I'm obviously not a good person....... does anyone get this?

 

[azucaramargo]

I can relate VERY well to the self hatred. I used to loath myself so much that I'd TALK to myself...I couldn't CONTAIN all the angst and self-hatred I felt. All I can say is that medication has helped. And, I started to realize that I engaged in self-loathing because it was easier than trying to improve. This idea finally resonated with me, and I was able -- with time and meds -- to change my internal dialogue a little. Don't get me wrong: I'm still dour and moody and very unhappy with the current status quo (that I've created for myself). I hope you can get some good meds. I understand so well the crippling hatred of oneself. We on this site love you for who you are right now. RE: regrets, we do the best that we can at any given time. Try to treat yourself like a friend. We're with you, Champ.