Venting Self harm

[lilyeehaw]

I have suicidal feeling's but I find self-harming helps alleviate those thoughts. I've been clean for a few months now and the urges to self-harm are just growing by the day. I want to slice my arm up so bad and do it the right way this time and hopefully CTB, I know this method hardly works but I'm used to the pain of it. Also, call me satanic but I really like to see the blood flow out of me, something strangely peaceful about it.

I was considering figuring out the best way to hang myself, I have a rope that I bought a while ago. A bit apprehensive of going out that way. I don't really like the idea of the pain of not being able to breathe.

So yeah, Just a rant to get some thoughts out of my mind.

Anyway, Y'all have a good Day/Night.

 

[Kuolema]

I used to know a girl who would self-harm. She said it was like being denied something you love for ages and then being allowed to indulge in it until your heart's content. She said it was almost orgasmic when she finally did it. Like some sort of release from pain, through pain. I've never really understood that urge. Hope you feel better soon lilyeehaw.

 

[lilyeehaw]

I used to know a girl who would self-harm. She said it was like being denied something you love for ages and then being allowed to indulge in it until your heart's content. She said it was almost orgasmic when she finally did it. Like some sort of release from pain, through pain. I've never really understood that urge. Hope you feel better soon lilyeehaw.

Thanks, Kuolema. Also yeah, that's totally what it feels like. It's a bit like a drug in a way as it becomes addicting. Before I started cutting, I took the approach that self-harm was more an attention thing and although some people do it for attention, It Doesn't exclude them, they are still harming themselves. You get a much better understanding for it once you've done it yourself.

 

[RM5998]

I agree, seeing my blood is strangely calming for me too. Just seeing that my blood is still red, and tastes just as metallic. I haven't really figured out why I do it. I guess it's just a way of establishing some control over myself (considering that I have no control over most aspects of my life, it's one of the few times I get to feel powerful).

I just realized, self-harm isn't an option for me for the next 6 months. And neither is testing partial, just for the euphoria you feel on coming back.

Fuck me.

 

[not_a_robot]

I used to do it once in awhile for a practice run, just one or two really deep quick ones to make sure I won't be too pussy to do it when the time comes. Or so I told myself. But I am clearly still too pussy to do it so I guess it didn't help much, I'm still here. Scars are ugly but minimal, just little groups of two or three in odd places, I close them pretty good with crazy glue so they look surgical. People ask about them. Fuck those people.

 

[cornflowerblue]

It's nearly impossible to die from cutting yourself. Search the forum and you'll find lots of threads explaining why. Being used to the pain won't undo biology and anatomy.

 

[true faith]

Yes! I find cutting so satisfying that it can totally distract me from how badly I want to die... for a moment I'm at peace.
Can't help but think that bleeding out would be a tranquil, even pleasurable and beautiful experience. I'm just scared of the consequences (more visible scars with obvious intent, possible nerve damage) of a failed attempt.

 

[lilyeehaw]

Yes! I find cutting so satisfying that it can totally distract me from how badly I want to die... for a moment I'm at peace.
Can't help but think that bleeding out would be a tranquil, even pleasurable and beautiful experience. I'm just scared of the consequences (more visible scars with obvious intent, possible nerve damage) of a failed attempt.

I feel you, My arms are already starting to look like a zebra. Also yeah, already self-conscious about my looks and scars just add to the problem.

It is like the pain just isn't there anymore or at least its a different kind of pain, a pain that makes you happy and relaxed and then as you said it's pretty tranquil :)