Venting Self harm, life, thoughts.

[BitterlyAlive_]

To start off, I've been trying to not cut. I think I've been pretty good about it for a couple of months, have used scissors a few times but no razor blades in a while. Of course, it's been tough to not do it as I've been getting more 'out of it' and stressed yet again. The urges have been really, really bad lately. I've been wanting to hurt myself at work and at friends' houses - more than intrusive thoughts, actual and almost painful urges. I think I've been dissociating more lately, especially the past few days, which always makes the urges worse.

Earlier this week I was in the store, and I found myself strongly considering buying those fucking bandaids again so I can start really cutting. Of course this is not a good sign. I realized that and stood there for a few more moments, then made myself walk away. I've also been preparing for a life change this week and have been going through my things, found my razor blades the other day, decided to toss them. It seemed like a good idea to keep things from escalating. But I've been regretting it, these urges have really getting to me and I'm angry at myself for throwing them away.

I guess I should finally get to the reason I started writing this damn post…I'm a bit ashamed to admit that earlier today I ended up using scissors again; I was pretty dissociated this morning and I guess I 'let' myself do it. And it doesn't feel like it was enough. Scissors can give similar results, but they're not like razor blades. I shouldn't buy any because I know how quickly things have escalated in the past. It's been so tempting, even though I know that giving in would be bad. I'm getting to a point in life where I don't think I could start using them again, it would be too risky.

I just wanted to get this off my chest. It's been on my mind all day and I felt I should get it out somehow. Figured people here wouldn't judge or get upset. I don't want to talk to my friends about it - posting here seemed like the only other viable option. I don't know if this post even flows or if it's just a bunch of random shit, but whatever.

 

[lofticries]

I miss self harming so much but it fucked up my skin and made me even more self conscious about my body. It makes me mad that these scars are gonna be with me for the rest of my life. Probably one of the big reasons why intimacy with someone will be a challenge.

I haven't selfharmed in 6-7 years so that's something be proud of I guess but it's been a big struggle.

Laying down and zoning out has really helped me with urges. And although it's not healthy using Tylenol to sleep it off.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I definitely wouldn't judge you for that. These are by and large superficial wounds that will heal albeit the risk of infection is always there of course. Just be careful where possible. You're always welcome to PM me if you need a bud.

Dissociation is the fucking worst (you know I have it constantly too). Sometimes I have to create some pain just to ground myself temporarily, although it's not technically self harm as I don't really cut or anything. I wonder if that's a part of why you do it. I wouldn't be surprised.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I miss self harming so much but it fucked up my skin and made me even more self conscious about my body. It makes me mad that these scars are gonna be with me for the rest of my life. Probably one of the big reasons why intimacy with someone will be a challenge.

I haven't selfharmed in 6-7 years so that's something be proud of I guess but it's been a big struggle.

Laying down and zoning out has really helped me with urges. And although it's not healthy using Tylenol to sleep it off.

I understand how you feel. It's tough to not SH even if the scars….aren't great. I try to 'compromise' by using razor blades last, less scarring, but goddamn. It's just different when you use em.

Going that long without SHing is a major achievement, definitely something to be proud of. And not easy, it's like any other addiction/dependence. It doesn't truly leave you. :/ I'm glad you found something that helps you with urges. At least you're not using something like diphenhydramine to sleep it off, that would create a whole new issue tbh. Hugs.