SunsetLtd
Member
- Jun 9, 2023
- 11
Im sorry that this is so long
I first cut myself when i was fifteen, it was in the kitchen in the middle of the night with an old stanly blade that id found in the drawer. It wasn't that deep it was open maybe half a cm and uneven because of the bluntness of the blade, i was in tears. i immediately woke my mum up. i hadn't a clue at the time why i did what i did but looking back i wanted help, i had been in pain for a long time and cutting myself was a way to express it. This was what i would describe as the first wave of my self harm. It was over the course of maybe 6 months and i would cut myself every time the last wound had healed. I met a girl and we got into a relationship (she was struggling with bulimia) and we helped each other. I stopped harming myself for her and i started on fluoxetine.
When i was 16 i started an apprenticeship. Things were okay, still a bit shit but not too bad. I was in a healthy relationship and i was making money but by the end of the year i was sick of it, I don't know why but i just was. I bought some double edge razors, i sat in my room and i pushed down on my wrist as hard as i could and sliced as fast as i could. i wasnt mentally prepared for what it would be like. The wound was enormous and it bled like all hell, i went into survival mode and held a t shirt against it as hard as i could. I ran down the stairs and asked my mum to call the ambulance (my poor mum i know). They treated me at the hospital and i couldn't even look at my arm i cried to the doctor who was stitching me up more than i have ever cried in my life. I sat in the mental ward for a few hours and fell asleep on the chair next to the bed, when the psychologist person came i apologised and told them i had just cut myself much deeper than i meant to and they let me go home. My mum was distraught but she tried not to show it and my girlfriend didn't know what to think.
The months after my hospital visit i couldn't even think about harming myself because i was petrified of cutting myself like that again. But when the spring came around i was more depressed than i had ever been and i discovered alcohol. I looked older than i was, some of the shops where i live would sell me alcohol and i had the money from my work. After about a month i was drinking every day after work and i wasn't scared of cutting myself anymore. I became careless and i was cutting myself deeply (often cutting through veins) and just bandaging it up falling asleep and waking up the next morning, going to work and then repeating. I went to the hospital quite a few times and spent some time in the mental health ward. Then there was one day where i cut my arm more severely than usual i had severed my ulnar artery and although i was drunk i knew to put a tourniquet around it at the hospital i sat in the waiting room for a while with the tourniquet and towel pressed to my arm.
when i was called to be seen the doctor took all of the stuff on my arm (not knowing how bad it was) and the blood shot into her face, it was bizarre. I was rushed onto a bed and i remember lying there drunk as anything with around five doctors surrounding me. I was treated and i went home the next day and i knew i had to stop drinking. I had been drinking at work as well at this point and had become dependent on alcohol. I went cold turkey, it was the worst experience of my life but i was clean of alcohol and of self harm.
After that I went through 3 different anti depressants but eventually decided that i was done with everything doctor related and stopped taking them.
For the next year or so i didn't cut myself but i thought about suicide daily
Recently i have started cutting myself again although not that deep because i don't want to go to the hospital. (Also i should note that the reason for my self harm has changed over time and it became more about the healing process than the act of cutting)
Nothing helps, i feel horrible every day and i just want to die.
sorry for the length
I first cut myself when i was fifteen, it was in the kitchen in the middle of the night with an old stanly blade that id found in the drawer. It wasn't that deep it was open maybe half a cm and uneven because of the bluntness of the blade, i was in tears. i immediately woke my mum up. i hadn't a clue at the time why i did what i did but looking back i wanted help, i had been in pain for a long time and cutting myself was a way to express it. This was what i would describe as the first wave of my self harm. It was over the course of maybe 6 months and i would cut myself every time the last wound had healed. I met a girl and we got into a relationship (she was struggling with bulimia) and we helped each other. I stopped harming myself for her and i started on fluoxetine.
When i was 16 i started an apprenticeship. Things were okay, still a bit shit but not too bad. I was in a healthy relationship and i was making money but by the end of the year i was sick of it, I don't know why but i just was. I bought some double edge razors, i sat in my room and i pushed down on my wrist as hard as i could and sliced as fast as i could. i wasnt mentally prepared for what it would be like. The wound was enormous and it bled like all hell, i went into survival mode and held a t shirt against it as hard as i could. I ran down the stairs and asked my mum to call the ambulance (my poor mum i know). They treated me at the hospital and i couldn't even look at my arm i cried to the doctor who was stitching me up more than i have ever cried in my life. I sat in the mental ward for a few hours and fell asleep on the chair next to the bed, when the psychologist person came i apologised and told them i had just cut myself much deeper than i meant to and they let me go home. My mum was distraught but she tried not to show it and my girlfriend didn't know what to think.
The months after my hospital visit i couldn't even think about harming myself because i was petrified of cutting myself like that again. But when the spring came around i was more depressed than i had ever been and i discovered alcohol. I looked older than i was, some of the shops where i live would sell me alcohol and i had the money from my work. After about a month i was drinking every day after work and i wasn't scared of cutting myself anymore. I became careless and i was cutting myself deeply (often cutting through veins) and just bandaging it up falling asleep and waking up the next morning, going to work and then repeating. I went to the hospital quite a few times and spent some time in the mental health ward. Then there was one day where i cut my arm more severely than usual i had severed my ulnar artery and although i was drunk i knew to put a tourniquet around it at the hospital i sat in the waiting room for a while with the tourniquet and towel pressed to my arm.
when i was called to be seen the doctor took all of the stuff on my arm (not knowing how bad it was) and the blood shot into her face, it was bizarre. I was rushed onto a bed and i remember lying there drunk as anything with around five doctors surrounding me. I was treated and i went home the next day and i knew i had to stop drinking. I had been drinking at work as well at this point and had become dependent on alcohol. I went cold turkey, it was the worst experience of my life but i was clean of alcohol and of self harm.
After that I went through 3 different anti depressants but eventually decided that i was done with everything doctor related and stopped taking them.
For the next year or so i didn't cut myself but i thought about suicide daily
Recently i have started cutting myself again although not that deep because i don't want to go to the hospital. (Also i should note that the reason for my self harm has changed over time and it became more about the healing process than the act of cutting)
Nothing helps, i feel horrible every day and i just want to die.
sorry for the length
