Venting Self harm again

[imsotired35]

It's so weird how things change. When I first started sh when I was 12 it was because of how I felt inside and self harming made me feel better. As soon as I felt the first sting of the blade it was instant relief. Now all these years later I don't do it because I'm sad or I need the relief, it hardly even m make me feel anything anymore. I was clean for so long because I thought what's even the point anymore? But recently I've been self harming again and I don't know why. I do it to see blood, to see the cuts and the healed scars I guess…my body doesn't feel like mine anymore now the scars are fading, but there no actual reason. I think I still have urges but I'm not sure because they don't feel the same as they used to. I hate the first feeling now of the blade when I cut, it makes it harder for me to cut as deep as I used to because I don't have that release of endorphins and I suppose something similar to survival instinct that stops me pushing down harder when my brain doesn't want the pain. I just don't like the initial pain anymore. What I like is the pain afterwards when all the cuts are done and stopped bleeding and it's a very comforting feeling to me.

 

[Lavínia]

It's very complicated. The first few times I did it, the first cut defined everything, it was a flow that swept me away and painted a picture of all my mental pain, a warm flash that made me see everything I hide. Nowadays, the first cut hurts and makes me cry like a little baby. But I think it's because I don't do it for relief or as a coping mechanism anymore. When I'm in a crisis, really desperate, and I do it... There's relief, a hunger to paint. But if it's after a long time of the crisis, ouch, ah, hey, hey, it hurts like pain.
Sometimes it can be because it's just an impulse, something you got used to, but that doesn't work anymore. I don't know if there are other "stronger" methods of relief than sh, but maybe some healthier and simpler ones can have more effect too.

 

[Autumn_Stars]

Hey ladies I haven't cut for twenty five years. I went on to get a good job. My advice is you can quit, get alcohol wipes, and don't do it where the scars are visible.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

get alcohol wipes

No, do not listen to them OP. Do not use alcohol to disinfect your wounds. Alcohol can actually end up killing off the healthy tissue and prolong the healing period, leading to an increased risk of infection.

Cleaning out your wounds using unscented soap and warm water is enough. For deeper wounds (bean cuts and deeper), I would advise either going to the hospital for stitches (if they are less than 6-8 hours old) or disinfecting them by cleansing the wound using distilled water or saline solution and then carefully putting an antiseptic and some antibiotic ointment around the edges of the wound, making sure to not get any inside of it.

Also, make sure to bandage your cuts in order to keep them from getting infected and for better healing.


I should also add that relapsing is normal. The thing is, from what I know, you can't actually unlearn something. Once those associations are made in the brain that is it. There is no going back. Hence why cases of spontaneous recovery (when people start engaging again in once-extinct behaviours) exist. For example, somebody who used to have panic attacks whenever they hear a loud noise might go through years without displaying such a response thanks to therapy but then one day find themselves engaging in said behaviour again out of nowhere after encountering a loud noise at a grocery store. Of course, I don't know you so I don't know the reasoning or triggers behind your SH or how that may potentially tie into different forms of conditioning or anything. I'm mostly just using spontaneous recovery as an example of the point I'm trying to make, not as some sort of analysis of your situation (I just wanted to make that clear).