wildflowers1996
Arcanist
- Oct 14, 2023
- 479
idk if this is the right way of describing it but
about 10 years ago I told someone about wanting to ctb
They ignored me
Another time I took an overdose (not exactly as a ctb attempt I just wanted to try and alter my state of consciousness by taking lots of pills) and I told someone what I'd done because I was scared and having convulsions and they left me alone to suffer it on my own so they could go to a party- this was my ex best friend of many years whom I loved so much and spent so much time with
they later told me they were sorry and recently saw I was struggling and told me they were there if I wanted to talk - when I did message them, they ignored me again. They know I might ctb but they don't care
this is not the only reason I want to ctb - I think I would want to anyway - but I feel like this has kind of been the final nail in the coffin if that makes sense
If someone had cared when I first started wanting to die - or years before that when I was really struggling mentally - could I have been helped? I don't know, but it feels too late now
But I can't help thinking
/Why/ was / am I so worthless / not worth caring about?
Some people's friends care about them, so why didn't mine?
Was I not a good enough person / friend? Was I just too damaged to care about? Did they think I was too ugly / stupid / boring to care about? I wish I knew
about 10 years ago I told someone about wanting to ctb
They ignored me
Another time I took an overdose (not exactly as a ctb attempt I just wanted to try and alter my state of consciousness by taking lots of pills) and I told someone what I'd done because I was scared and having convulsions and they left me alone to suffer it on my own so they could go to a party- this was my ex best friend of many years whom I loved so much and spent so much time with
they later told me they were sorry and recently saw I was struggling and told me they were there if I wanted to talk - when I did message them, they ignored me again. They know I might ctb but they don't care
this is not the only reason I want to ctb - I think I would want to anyway - but I feel like this has kind of been the final nail in the coffin if that makes sense
If someone had cared when I first started wanting to die - or years before that when I was really struggling mentally - could I have been helped? I don't know, but it feels too late now
But I can't help thinking
/Why/ was / am I so worthless / not worth caring about?
Some people's friends care about them, so why didn't mine?
Was I not a good enough person / friend? Was I just too damaged to care about? Did they think I was too ugly / stupid / boring to care about? I wish I knew
