Self-destructive tendencies

[glittergore]

I've noticed that the more suicidal I've become the more inclined towards self-destructive tendencies I am. They're like a flirtation with suicide, a way to gain promixity without actually going through with it. In that way, they provide some relief without me having to make that ultimate decision. Now, whenever I self-harm or eat something terrible for me, I'm filled with morbid glee.

Anyone relate?

 

[Aeathelina]

Very much so. Since I've been suicidal for the last four years my life has imploded. I'm reckless with my money, developed anorexia since I want to make it easier to OD. Having no home because I have no Jin, nor education since I don't see the point of effort because I'm just going to CTB. My life is a case study in how dangerous self destruction can become.

 

[void]

I can relate. I think it stems from the constant thought of 'Well I'm going to kill myself anyway so what have I got to lose?'
As I've got more suicidal the tendencies do get worse but I try to repress them to not worry my family.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Yes. Since I'm suicidal I drink more alcohol than before. I'm also eating less. I want to die young. My life is a fucking mess. I don't know why I'm still alive.

 

[ghostgirl1995]

I swear self destruction is my middle name. I've made so many mistakes thinking I'm going to ctb anyway. The after math hasn't been pretty.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Tbh yeah. I subtly damage myself and my life. I've always thought of it as scratching the suicidal itch. A lot of it is due to me being useless though so not always intentional.

 

[Nyxx33]

Most definitely. I think I have been careless with decisions in my life because I've had this illusion that I could end things at any moment, and being suicidal has kept me from living in the moment and planning for the future. Make enough bad decisions where you feel backed into a corner and plan to end things for real this time, only to realize it's a million times harder than you imagined and have to face the consequences.

 

[suffering]

Most definitely. I think I have been careless with decisions in my life because I've had this illusion that I could end things at any moment, and being suicidal has kept me from living in the moment and planning for the future. Make enough bad decisions where you feel backed into a corner and plan to end things for real this time, only to realize it's a million times harder than you imagined and have to face the consequences.

I feel this so much. I wish I could send a message back in time to myself to warn my past self about how hard (impossible?) it is for me to end it. I would have made different choices.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

I can relate to this. The thought of being able to leave at any point has comforted me for a long time. The problem is that this way of thinking has caused me to do a lot of silly and self-destructive things, and I did them because I felt that I could walk out of the the door with the "Exit" sign at any time; I didn't care because I thought I wouldn't be around anymore... It didn't quite work out that way though. The more daft decisions you make the deeper the hole you dig for yourself, and it gets increasingly difficult to get out. You end up spending more time and effort fixing the damage you have caused to your life, and the plan to Catch The Bus goes on the backburner; either because you are too occupied with self-destruction, or you have burnt yourself out to the point were you no longer have the will to go through with it.