Lavínia
plalace
- Feb 19, 2024
- 114
The first time I did this, I was overcome with disgust, a revulsion that left me numb and limp. I don't have many reasons now. A colleague quit her job, a friend didn't invite me to her birthday party, I think because she realized I'm trying so hard to pretend I like her. I want to distance myself from everyone again. Work isn't going well. I don't have a reason, it's more of a feeling. And thinking about what I'm going to do now, I feel a burning sensation in my stomach, my chest tightening. I don't exactly want this, but I need it.
This week, I'm going to destroy myself as much as I can. I'm going to smoke as much as I can; just two or three cigarettes make my lungs wheeze. I'm weak, but I'll try harder. I'll drink every day, leaving work and maybe during my break too, so I'm constantly dizzy. I'll cut myself deeply. I'll try harder in customer service, smile more, be kinder, more proactive, calmer. I'll fast, not eat anything solid during the week. Coffee, lots of coffee, like I used to drink at school, eating some of the powder too. And burning myself more, maybe with a match because it's easier.
I used to feel sad and regretful about what I did to my body, how people or future partners could see me like that. I've given up on that. I don't want people, I don't want love, I've given up on so much. I'll do as much as I can infect this body before I die. As much as I can burn my head, exploit and deteriorate my brain, taking away any hope of recovery or sense of identity, I will.
I want to be sick, I want to be numb, I want deprivation, anxiety and fatigue, stress and anguish. I want to feel that there is no turning back
This week, I'm going to destroy myself as much as I can. I'm going to smoke as much as I can; just two or three cigarettes make my lungs wheeze. I'm weak, but I'll try harder. I'll drink every day, leaving work and maybe during my break too, so I'm constantly dizzy. I'll cut myself deeply. I'll try harder in customer service, smile more, be kinder, more proactive, calmer. I'll fast, not eat anything solid during the week. Coffee, lots of coffee, like I used to drink at school, eating some of the powder too. And burning myself more, maybe with a match because it's easier.
I used to feel sad and regretful about what I did to my body, how people or future partners could see me like that. I've given up on that. I don't want people, I don't want love, I've given up on so much. I'll do as much as I can infect this body before I die. As much as I can burn my head, exploit and deteriorate my brain, taking away any hope of recovery or sense of identity, I will.
I want to be sick, I want to be numb, I want deprivation, anxiety and fatigue, stress and anguish. I want to feel that there is no turning back
