Not really a hate thread or thread to bash people, just something I wanted to talk about after a lot of reflecting. I want to say this part of myself here because I couldn't say this to any of my friends.
When I was 16 I started to notice that I had a habit of only talking about myself in conversation. There is always room to talk about yourself and some people do this more than others, but I mean I was absolutely unable to discuss anything without making it about myself. I felt no drive to give that attention to others. I realized this because I was sometimes talking to this guy I played team fortress 2 with, and I noticed he somehow switched all topics onto himself and was self centered. It made me irritated at first, and then I slowly realized I had been doing that in conversations with all people. It's like everyone was my audience and I existed to be noticed by them, but didn't have it in me to give this back to them.
This scared me back then I think. I remember artificially changing how I did conversations, asking questions all the time in order to be less self centered. I didn't care about anyone though. They were awkward socially oblivious questions, not the kind a sincerely interested person asks. I didn't actually want to ask the questions but I figured this was the way to be likeable and not be perceived as selfish. It was lost on me that showing interest in other people was more complicated than asking questions.
I entered adulthood and was still incredibly self centered. Men on dating apps would quickly nope out. I had inability to maintain friends as I quickly scared others off. Sometimes people would try to talk about themselves and I would shift it onto me, how I related and my own experience with whatever topic. I would notice what I was doing and quickly shift back to them. I entered my first relationship and in hindsight it just fueled this narcissism in me, I just talked about me me me me me me the entire time. An internet friend vented to me about how she was sexually abused in a psychiatric ward when she was 12, and I was just completely unable to care and just wanted to tell my own story. I began talking about myself and quickly stopped, then pretended to show interest in her venting. I would always see people receiving pity and care when sharing something negative they had experienced, and I could only think about how I wanted some of that spotlight. It's so awful in hindsight that someone could be immensely harmed and I felt jealous of the attention they were receiving, but that was me. Being self aware of these thought patterns concerned me, I wanted to be a likeable person who had selfless emotions because then I wouldn't be alone. I hated myself all the time and this partially fueled the hatred. I told a therapist everything I am writing now and she essentially said "no one gave you affection or attention, so you're emotionally unable to give this to people as an adult". Another therapist said I have a permanent emotional deficit that can't be repaired.
I hated myself, had low self esteem, loved to be pitied and taken care of, it was like a codependent abuser magnet and that is what I found the first time I fell in love. I couldn't ever get better because each time I found awareness of these negative aspects of myself it just made me hate myself further. I had no friends, I was estranged from my mom and sister, I only had my ex who enabled all this shitty behavior. My head was filled with all these fantasies of people being afraid of me, admiring me, worshipping me, loving me, pitying me, rescuing me. They became compulsive and ran in my head so often that my day dreams were in this constant self absorbed loop. To be honest even though I was getting beaten up, manipulated and controlled, I think had my ex been a normal man that I would have been the abusive one just because of how fucked up and crazy I had become. But then a normal person wouldn't date someone like the person I was to begin with.
These days I feel like a fraud sometimes, like I play a helping caring role to get what I want. I want to not die alone and so I must perform the necessary actions to maintain social bonds. I say this neutrally because I accept what I am at this point. I actually have friends and a support network of people who care about me for the first time in my life. Sometimes they will come upset about something and I will play pretend maternal helper. They call me a good friend and listener, I suppose I am being one in those moments. It's not real though, I'm not sure I care anymore than I did 13 years ago. It's all this artificial playbook I go through to support people I like having around. I see all friendships and romance as a give&take transaction. People do not want to hear your problems or support you if you don't give it in return. Helping them is like an emotional investment that will pay off further down the line when you feel sad about something. I honestly admit I might just be full of shit with what I'm about to say and forgive me if I am, but I suspect most people operate this way on some level.
I told this all to my most recent therapist and she told me that we all reach our emotional needs in different ways, and that my selfishness doesn't make me less than human. What I've learned since 2018 is the more I find security and assurance from within, the less of an attention whore I am. The less of an attention whore I am, the more attention and concern I feel able to give to others. The more able I am to give those things to others, the more bonds I form that generate esteem and acceptance. It is like a positive cycle. After some years the day dreams stopped, the power fantasies stopped, the jealousy stopped, the approval seeking stopped, the codependency stopped. People's stories are interesting to me and I have come to enjoy paying attention to other people. I still have a long way to go. I'm the same self centered person who is just better suited to navigate life. For example I would have ragequit SS within a few weeks if I was still the same as back then.
I worry because I have a girlfriend now and she is so emotionally normal. I told her to let me know if I'm ever not paying enough attention or listening to her, she seems confused by it. I worry I'll bring harm to her somehow. She's so gentle, warm and unassuming, I feel like an alligator covered in glued on mammal fur that's building a nest with a lamb. I want her to be happy, but my actions feel feigned as a strategy to maintain a relationship. I play pretend in order to have a life where I'm not alone. I owe it to her to make her feel good, she deserves it for treating me so well. The only alternative I have is isolation.
When I was 16 I started to notice that I had a habit of only talking about myself in conversation. There is always room to talk about yourself and some people do this more than others, but I mean I was absolutely unable to discuss anything without making it about myself. I felt no drive to give that attention to others. I realized this because I was sometimes talking to this guy I played team fortress 2 with, and I noticed he somehow switched all topics onto himself and was self centered. It made me irritated at first, and then I slowly realized I had been doing that in conversations with all people. It's like everyone was my audience and I existed to be noticed by them, but didn't have it in me to give this back to them.
This scared me back then I think. I remember artificially changing how I did conversations, asking questions all the time in order to be less self centered. I didn't care about anyone though. They were awkward socially oblivious questions, not the kind a sincerely interested person asks. I didn't actually want to ask the questions but I figured this was the way to be likeable and not be perceived as selfish. It was lost on me that showing interest in other people was more complicated than asking questions.
I entered adulthood and was still incredibly self centered. Men on dating apps would quickly nope out. I had inability to maintain friends as I quickly scared others off. Sometimes people would try to talk about themselves and I would shift it onto me, how I related and my own experience with whatever topic. I would notice what I was doing and quickly shift back to them. I entered my first relationship and in hindsight it just fueled this narcissism in me, I just talked about me me me me me me the entire time. An internet friend vented to me about how she was sexually abused in a psychiatric ward when she was 12, and I was just completely unable to care and just wanted to tell my own story. I began talking about myself and quickly stopped, then pretended to show interest in her venting. I would always see people receiving pity and care when sharing something negative they had experienced, and I could only think about how I wanted some of that spotlight. It's so awful in hindsight that someone could be immensely harmed and I felt jealous of the attention they were receiving, but that was me. Being self aware of these thought patterns concerned me, I wanted to be a likeable person who had selfless emotions because then I wouldn't be alone. I hated myself all the time and this partially fueled the hatred. I told a therapist everything I am writing now and she essentially said "no one gave you affection or attention, so you're emotionally unable to give this to people as an adult". Another therapist said I have a permanent emotional deficit that can't be repaired.
I hated myself, had low self esteem, loved to be pitied and taken care of, it was like a codependent abuser magnet and that is what I found the first time I fell in love. I couldn't ever get better because each time I found awareness of these negative aspects of myself it just made me hate myself further. I had no friends, I was estranged from my mom and sister, I only had my ex who enabled all this shitty behavior. My head was filled with all these fantasies of people being afraid of me, admiring me, worshipping me, loving me, pitying me, rescuing me. They became compulsive and ran in my head so often that my day dreams were in this constant self absorbed loop. To be honest even though I was getting beaten up, manipulated and controlled, I think had my ex been a normal man that I would have been the abusive one just because of how fucked up and crazy I had become. But then a normal person wouldn't date someone like the person I was to begin with.
These days I feel like a fraud sometimes, like I play a helping caring role to get what I want. I want to not die alone and so I must perform the necessary actions to maintain social bonds. I say this neutrally because I accept what I am at this point. I actually have friends and a support network of people who care about me for the first time in my life. Sometimes they will come upset about something and I will play pretend maternal helper. They call me a good friend and listener, I suppose I am being one in those moments. It's not real though, I'm not sure I care anymore than I did 13 years ago. It's all this artificial playbook I go through to support people I like having around. I see all friendships and romance as a give&take transaction. People do not want to hear your problems or support you if you don't give it in return. Helping them is like an emotional investment that will pay off further down the line when you feel sad about something. I honestly admit I might just be full of shit with what I'm about to say and forgive me if I am, but I suspect most people operate this way on some level.
I told this all to my most recent therapist and she told me that we all reach our emotional needs in different ways, and that my selfishness doesn't make me less than human. What I've learned since 2018 is the more I find security and assurance from within, the less of an attention whore I am. The less of an attention whore I am, the more attention and concern I feel able to give to others. The more able I am to give those things to others, the more bonds I form that generate esteem and acceptance. It is like a positive cycle. After some years the day dreams stopped, the power fantasies stopped, the jealousy stopped, the approval seeking stopped, the codependency stopped. People's stories are interesting to me and I have come to enjoy paying attention to other people. I still have a long way to go. I'm the same self centered person who is just better suited to navigate life. For example I would have ragequit SS within a few weeks if I was still the same as back then.
I worry because I have a girlfriend now and she is so emotionally normal. I told her to let me know if I'm ever not paying enough attention or listening to her, she seems confused by it. I worry I'll bring harm to her somehow. She's so gentle, warm and unassuming, I feel like an alligator covered in glued on mammal fur that's building a nest with a lamb. I want her to be happy, but my actions feel feigned as a strategy to maintain a relationship. I play pretend in order to have a life where I'm not alone. I owe it to her to make her feel good, she deserves it for treating me so well. The only alternative I have is isolation.
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