Self blame, pain, suicidal ideation

[GoldLeafIndigo]

So I notice a pattern with my suicidal ideation. The more I'm feeling shame and blaming myself for other people's shitty behavior, my sense of despair, uselessness and hopelessness goes way up.

I've been living with chronic pain and fatigue since 2019 (diagnosed with fibromyalgia) which really makes the feeling of "what do I have to live for?" Increase exponentially.

Still, it's so much easier when I'm allowing other people's stupid shit to be their own, instead of internalizing it.

Can anyone relate?

 

[Snake of Eden]

I absolutely do. Once i put my foot down and decided i am not putting up with anyone shitty behaviors anymore it gave me alot of liberation and reduced my self-contempt and blaming. The only way to address internalizations is by externalizing them outward. See people for who they are and allow yourself to see you for who you really are. Excusing bad behaviors from people is damaging. I am not saying to go out of your way to blame everything on other people but looking at things from an outsider prospective helps to more accurately assign who to blame. excuse my language but if you play a doormat for other people's problems they will step on you and it will hurt

 

[D&D]

Oh yes.

Only it is my own shit I blame myself for and rightly so. The shit I have done. The terrible errors I have made. The pain I have inflicted while oblivious to it. It isn't even so much that I have done those things - I could see clearly how the usual cocktail of genetic + upbringing + environment gave raise to it. What it really eats me is the failure to have addressed it while there was still time. To at least gain awareness of how fucked-up I was/am. I don't believe in the 'magical' cure that would have made me into some super-improved version of myself, only that gaining awareness would have given me a chance to see things I needed to see. It isn't the lack of knowledge/awareness on its own that I kill myself over ... I know that many lack those. It is the missed/neglected opportunities to learn. That is what is killing me.

I have the same diagnosis as you plus some others. I no longer care.

If the shit you are dealing with belongs to other people because it is of their own making - you have every right to park it where it belongs and let them carry what's theirs. Especially if it makes it much easier for you.

Wishing you best. Whatever it might mean to you.

 

[GoldLeafIndigo]

Oh yes.

Only it is my own shit I blame myself for and rightly so. The shit I have done. The terrible errors I have made. The pain I have inflicted while oblivious to it. It isn't even so much that I have done those things - I could see clearly how the usual cocktail of genetic + upbringing + environment gave raise to it. What it really eats me is the failure to have addressed it while there was still time. To at least gain awareness of how fucked-up I was/am. I don't believe in the 'magical' cure that would have made me into some super-improved version of myself, only that gaining awareness would have given me a chance to see things I needed to see. It isn't the lack of knowledge/awareness on its own that I kill myself over ... I know that many lack those. It is the missed/neglected opportunities to learn. That is what is killing me.

I have the same diagnosis as you plus some others. I no longer care.

If the shit you are dealing with belongs to other people because it is of their own making - you have every right to park it where it belongs and let them carry what's theirs. Especially if it makes it much easier for you.

Wishing you best. Whatever it might mean to you.

I have definitely been an asshole in the past, and it is embarrassing to think about! You did the best you could with what you knew. That's all we can do, but wasted time is damned frustrating.

I do the best I can now, and those long interludes of deep shame come from lifelong schemas that began in childhood. My frustration is that I got an accurate diagnosis complex PTSD) so late in life. The 20--30 year olds now at least have a chance at getting some accurate help, assuming they find skilled counselors. I dont think the mental health community realized that child abuse and neglect could cause PTSD until fairly recently.

 

[noaccount]

This makes sense and I'm sorry you're going through it. It's not your fault and you deserve better.

This video was helpful to me and I understand it's not geared towards the same disabilities and issues you're dealing with exactly but idk I thought I'd share.