I don't know why I keep having the urge to tell people I'm considering suicide even though I'm still on the fence about it. It's like a deep part of me is desperately screaming for help and the scream is endless for it is for naught for there is no help out there. Yet, another day has gone by and I am still here. And I am thinking I want to work in a bakery. But I know that won't make any difference whatsoever. So many different parts of me, so many different opinions.
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FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 43,420
I don't see it as being a good idea being open about wanting to die if you actually wish to go through with suicide. It would very likely just make things worse, and anyway there are so many people who refuse to see suicide as being an option. It does sound like a difficult and tiring situation that you are in, but anyway I wish you the best.
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AllMyDreams
Experienced
- Dec 12, 2021
- 279
It makes sense to me. I mean, whenever we're trying to make an important decision we want to get advice from people, and we want to tell as many people as we can so we can get all perspectives that might be useful. It sounds like part of you still wants help and I hope you find someone who can. Just like with relationships it may take many tries before you find someone who can help you, but once you do it'll all have been worth it.
I tell people I'm when I'm feeling suicidal too, but for a different reason. If I ever commit suicide I'd want to know as many people to know as possible. So that people can learn from it, relate, maybe something gets done about mental health somewhere. I think being anonymous and killing myself, with nobody knowing why, would be a waste of all my suffering. So when I'm feeling suicidal and am convinced I will get euthanasia, I just go ahead and tell people how I'm feeling.
Thanks for the validation, it's a strange decision to seek advice for, no? yes it might be worth it to wait to find the right helper. but while I wait I have to keep living day by day and that's pure torture. Ah, interesting! I want to go as anonymously as possible. I don't be want to give my family the privilege of mourning for me when they didn't give a damn while I'm alive. Curious, by euthanasia do you mean assisted suicide?
AllMyDreams
Experienced
- Dec 12, 2021
- 279
It's often better to tell people about your thoughts than keep it bottled up inside yourself. It's not like you're crazy for doing that. I hope you can find someone in a position to help, and wish you strength until then.
I guess we're in different situations... I love my family, but also I'd want people to be able to look at my death and think: maybe the world needs to change a little. Yes, I don't want to commit suicide on my own, I'd like to move to a country where euthanasia is legal and do it that way.
The societal hivemind is sadly built around preservation at all costs, regardless of the individual's suffering. As such, people like us, regardless of our individual reasons for considering CTB, are treated like misfits that have to be fixed, as opposed to individuals sharing their individual perspectives. Websites like this one are good for allowing us a place free of judgment, free of resentment, and free of unsolicited societal advice aimed at a singular one-size-fits-all definition of the word "help".
I once made the mistake of sharing with a specific friend, that I had these thoughts, as I was in a less stable and less aware state at the time. He decided to betray the trust I had in him, despite me pleading and begging for him to just keep it to himself. I am no longer communicating with this person, despite this being years ago. I have since found two friends that are more open to just listening, instead of running for the alarm button, but I still don't feel comfortable sharing all my CTB thoughts with them either. This website is the only place where I feel like I can talk completely openly about everything.
I once made the mistake of sharing with a specific friend, that I had these thoughts, as I was in a less stable and less aware state at the time. He decided to betray the trust I had in him, despite me pleading and begging for him to just keep it to himself. I am no longer communicating with this person, despite this being years ago. I have since found two friends that are more open to just listening, instead of running for the alarm button, but I still don't feel comfortable sharing all my CTB thoughts with them either. This website is the only place where I feel like I can talk completely openly about everything.
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Ah, I hear that. Yes, I'd like to ideally do it that way too but I'm not sure I want to wait that long to go.
AngryDog
Member
- Mar 2, 2023
- 73
I think recovery sometimes comes when one can find some sort of balance between the pain and the will to keep going. Life can be very cruel and tiring. It's good that even with all the suffering you are still trying to get better. I hope you can work in a bakery if that's what you wanna do at the moment. I wish you the best of luck. Trying to control the pain is one of the hardest challenges one may face in life.
