Scared

[ITryHard]

As my day draws nearer, I find I'm getting increasingly scared. My method is SN, and to say I'm not looking forward to it would be an understatement. Everything from the taste, to the potential vomiting, to the tachycardia -- even passing out -- is causing my anxiety to go through the roof (anxiety being one of my main mental health challenges). Not to mention the prospect of potential failure and battling SI.

I've tried other methods, namely partial hanging, and have concluded that it's impossible. I don't have access to other methods, so SN it is. And it's not a matter of not being ready to go either. I may have some melancholy knowing I'm heading into my last days, but there is no doubt in my mind that my time on this planet is up.

I'm not looking for encouragement (never would look for that), but perhaps a kind word or two from this fantastic community to alleviate my anxiety somewhat.

 

[DyingAlf]

It is definitely a scary thing to contemplate ones own death.
I'm scared too, but also scared of living/ having to continue to exist.

 

[JackieInTheBox]

I'm taking SN too but in gelatin capsules (which has not much research and is risky) to avoid the taste. I am also getting nervous that it could take too long and I will panic. I can't tell you how to feel less nervous when I'm in a wreck too ahh. I just hope you decide what's best for you (whether you take SN or not)

 

[ITryHard]

It is definitely a scary thing to contemplate ones own death.
I'm scared too, but also scared of living/ having to continue to exist.

As am I @DyingAlf. As am I

 

[Racon]

I'm taking SN too but in gelatin capsules (which has not much research and is risky) to avoid the taste. I am also getting nervous that it could take too long and I will panic. I can't tell you how to feel less nervous when I'm in a wreck too ahh. I just hope you decide what's best for you (whether you take SN or not)

Have you calculated just how many gelatin capsules are needed for 20g of SN? Sounds like a lot.

 

[ITryHard]

I'm taking SN too but in gelatin capsules (which has not much research and is risky) to avoid the taste. I am also getting nervous that it could take too long and I will panic. I can't tell you how to feel less nervous when I'm in a wreck too ahh. I just hope you decide what's best for you (whether you take SN or not)

I guess we're all a little afraid @JackieInTheBox. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

 

[rt1989526]

Wish you strength to do whatever you feel is right friend

 

[TooConscious]

I'm the same my friend, even reading herethat others suffer the same problem is no comfort. I honestly think it's our SI being fearful is the only self preservation. Occasionally I get a brilliant rational look at my life and realise there's no need to worry yet those moments are so brief (seconds) and as if my brain attacks them with thoughts that keep me depressed and terrified.

 

[asani]

Hey, I feel you. I'm CTBing tomorrow and I feel kinda nervous too, but the thing that calms me is that after I do it I will be free. Also that people here are supporting my decision.
During drinking I will put my favorite music on and just lay, waiting for the end.
I don't know it will help you, but don't rush. It's important that you do it not slowly but in a normal tempo. Good luck to you, friend!

 

[ITryHard]

Hey, I feel you. I'm CTBing tomorrow and I feel kinda nervous too, but the thing that calms me is that after I do it I will be free. Also that people here are supporting my decision.
During drinking I will put my favorite music on and just lay, waiting for the end.
I don't know it will help you, but don't rush. It's important that you do it not slowly but in a normal tempo. Good luck to you, friend!

Good luck to you @asani. I wish you a peaceful, easy transition.

 

[JackieInTheBox]

Have you calculated just how many gelatin capsules are needed for 20g of SN? Sounds like a lot.

I'll use 000 sized gelatin capsules, which is around 1g each. That means 20-21 pills.

 

[Meditation guide]

I'll use 000 sized gelatin capsules, which is around 1g each. That means 20-21 pills.

I hope you will message us here and tell us how you are feeling. I wish you well in your journey.

 

[JackieInTheBox]

I hope you will message us here and tell us how you are feeling. I wish you well in your journey.

It'll take 1-2 months for me to get supplies. I got my SN. Just ordered the pills and meto. And thanks :)

 

[Racon]

I'll use 000 sized gelatin capsules, which is around 1g each. That means 20-21 pills.

How much water do you think it will take you to down that many? I'm not sure how important the water fast is but that might botch it up.

edit: thought about it for a sec and yeah it's probably a very small amount

 

[JackieInTheBox]

How much water do you think it will take you to down that many? I'm not sure how important the water fast is but that might botch it up.

edit: thought about it for a sec and yeah it's probably a very small amount

I'll try to drink it in as little water as possible 170—300ml (i think). I don't have a problem swallowing pills at all.

 

[Infinite Conscious]

Imagine... that you are arrested and have to spend years (or a lifetime) in a prison... No freedom to do anything, let alone CTB... Constant abuse, both physical and psychological, from both inmates and guards... Shitty food, no drugs or alcohol, nothing that could help you pass the neverending time... You would every night dream of the salty water taste and some privacy, of the feeling that you are free to choose, of being able to choose to die... You would dream and welcome the salty water, the nausea, tachycardia, and every other "symptom" that means eventual - freedom.

Or... watch one of those survival movies, in an extreme cold or extreme heat, no food or water... you would die, but slowly and painfully... you would also dream of the salty water and a choice to end it all with some dignity, in a matter of minutes.

SN is your choice. Freedom from this life is your choice. Imagine how many people don't have the SN and have to go through hell to hang themselves or jump from heights. You made it! You found (one of the) the easiest ways out. You are privileged. You could look forward to the salty water taste and some nausea which would mean that you - won.

Fuck the fear. We all went through enough fear in this life. Have some dignity and self-respect, because you earned it.
You won.

Have a peaceful transition.

 

[AMG44]

I feel you as well. I'm worried about the same things as you, even though my SN hasn't arrived yet.

Best of luck to you though

 

[ITryHard]

Imagine... that you are arrested and have to spend years (or a lifetime) in a prison... No freedom to do anything, let alone CTB... Constant abuse, both physical and psychological, from both inmates and guards... Shitty food, no drugs or alcohol, nothing that could help you pass the neverending time... You would every night dream of the salty water taste and some privacy, of the feeling that you are free to choose, of being able to choose to die... You would dream and welcome the salty water, the nausea, tachycardia, and every other "symptom" that means eventual - freedom.

Or... watch one of those survival movies, in an extreme cold or extreme heat, no food or water... you would die, but slowly and painfully... you would also dream of the salty water and a choice to end it all with some dignity, in a matter of minutes.

SN is your choice. Freedom from this life is your choice. Imagine how many people don't have the SN and have to go through hell to hang themselves or jump from heights. You made it! You found (one of the) the easiest ways out. You are privileged. You could look forward to the salty water taste and some nausea which would mean that you - won.

Fuck the fear. We all went through enough fear in this life. Have some dignity and self-respect, because you earned it.
You won.

Have a peaceful transition.

Thanks for taking the time to write that @Infinite Conscious. It really does put things into perspective.