Venting Scared

[hopeless08]

Another fucking morning of pure torture and I hate hearing the birds singing outside my window cause they're so happy, I envy them, I know that sounds ridiculous but anything or anyone that's super cheerful and so happy about their lives really annoy me but of course I'm the most angry at the fucking universe.
I feel mean when I say I'm jealous and don't like to see or be around happy people but it just reminds me of how miserable my life is. I miss the happy moments I had in my life, they're were times that I was actually excited about life and I would give anything in the world to be in that star again but I know it's impossible. People say oh this is just a phase you're goin through and it'll pass, well it won't!!!!!! I'm 1000% percent sure that I will never experience joy again, I know that this is my fucked up reality now and I can't deal with it. I must go.
I know I say this time after time and I'm sure some of you guys say it as well…
Why me? What did I do to deserve this cruelty?….the answer is nothing I've done nothing but good. Maybe the universe somehow consider the bad people as being good, if that makes any sense, cause i have no other explanation….
I know I'm just rambling but I need to vent.
Do any of you guys think to yourselves that this is just your fate and you have to accept, I mean do any of you guys plan on just continuing to live life in hell and not ending it? That's what scares me the most, the thought that of living with this torture forever, until I die from natural cause when I'm old. That's the definition of pure agony!!!!!!!

 

[matt1968]

Me too.

I've done some not great things, none criminal, but I struggle to forgive myself of these relatively minor foibles despite doing a lot of good.

I am really struggling today too. Sending you best wishes.

 

[stuckinthemud]

Your post resonates with me so much... It feels like an eternity since I felt any joy or happiness.
I have the worse anhedonia, cognitive issues and dissociation/dp/dr going which is why I know I have to end it as I won't heal.
I think the same…why did I deserve this crap out of everything ? I'd rather have lost my limbs.
Happy people trigger the f**k out of me as a result. I spend most of my time alone now at home.

 

[matt1968]

Your post resonates with me so much... It feels like an eternity since I felt any joy or happiness.
I have the worse anhedonia, cognitive issues and dissociation/dp/dr going which is why I know I have to end it as I won't heal.
I think the same…why did I deserve this crap out of everything ? I'd rather have lost my limbs.
Happy people trigger the f**k out of me as a result. I spend most of my time alone now at home.

Yes, home the only place I feel safe now too.

I think I've always experienced dissociation. I remember feeling 'not there' or unreal playing sports as a kid. I've never been helped to investigate it.

It's horrible having anhedonia, cognitive issues and the d's going on. Feels like a hell on earth - sending you all my best.

 

[hopeless08]

Your post resonates with me so much... It feels like an eternity since I felt any joy or happiness.
I have the worse anhedonia, cognitive issues and dissociation/dp/dr going which is why I know I have to end it as I won't heal.
I think the same…why did I deserve this crap out of everything ? I'd rather have lost my limbs.
Happy people trigger the f**k out of me as a result. I spend most of my time alone now at home.

I live with my mom and siblings because I was so depressed that I could not keep a job or take care of myself, I live on my own for 15 years. I'm in my room all the time, I never go out, even to run simple errands. I feel so bad for my mom and siblings to see me this way, I know it hurts them so much but at the same time it bothers me because I feel pressured by them to get better and I know I won't.
They love me but sometimes my mom gets really annoyed and tells me, enough already get up and do something so I feel I'm hurting them and being a burden.
That's why I have to go cause I know they will never see me as they want me to be, happy, and I can't stand the pain any longer.
There are so many people that are suicidal because they feel no one loves them and that's super sad but in my case I wish no one lived me so I wouldn't have to put them through pain…
I hope somehow you'll find peace….
But I totally get being annoyed by happy people, it may sound mean but they truly bother me..

 

[FuneralCry]

I also find it terrifying to think of suffering in this existence for potentially decades longer. It's hellish to me how suicide is so inaccessible as I see nothing desirable about decaying from age in this cruel and futile existence where there is no limit as to how much one can suffer.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. Yes, I can relate to not wanting to be around other people in general really.

Not that it will likely help but- I suspect we project onto birds singing what we like- that they're happy greeting the sun. I think it's just as likely- if not more likely that they're calls are to mark their territory to other birds- as in- get anywhere near me and I'll peck your eyes out! Although, I guess they could be cheerfully greeting one another I suppose. Probably depends on the species. That probably doesn't help much though- sorry.

 

[hopeless08]

I'm so sorry. Yes, I can relate to not wanting to be around other people in general really.

Not that it will likely help but- I suspect we project onto birds singing what we like- that they're happy greeting the sun. I think it's just as likely- if not more likely that they're calls are to mark their territory to other birds- as in- get anywhere near me and I'll peck your eyes out! Although, I guess they could be cheerfully greeting one another I suppose. Probably depends on the species. That probably doesn't help much though- sorry.

No don't get me wrong I love animals I have 4 dogs and birds are super cute but when they sing it reminds me of happy times in the past…. I don't know if that makes sense…you know like when you're happy everything looks beautiful but when you're beyond depressed everything looks black, you don't see beauty in anything anymore…

 

[Forever Sleep]

No don't get me wrong I love animals I have 4 dogs and birds are super cute but when they sing it reminds me of happy times in the past…. I don't know if that makes sense…you know like when you're happy everything looks beautiful but when you're beyond depressed everything looks black, you don't see beauty in anything anymore…

Yes, that makes sense. I'm so sorry.