Scared to die, scared to live

[rabbithole]

I'm in a bad situation. I don't know what to do. I think if I had a comfortable place to die and I wouldn't hurt my family I'd be able to go through with it. But I have to leave my home and do it in my cold car in some dark parking lot so I don't traumatize my family by doing it at home. Damnit. I should just do it at home and not worry. But I feel so awful doing that.

anyway. How're you guys today. Anyone else desperate for some third option - not just exist or die? I want a life. I just can't have one now.

 

[Life is pointless]

The reality is existence full of suffer or non-existence full of grace

 

[greyhound]

Just rent a really nice hotel room if you want to go somewhere comfortable.

But I know what you mean, I think we're in similar boats. Chronically ill and just unable to go on much longer. But don't actually want to die, have a loving family / extended family. Had a decent career that could be restarted if health came back. Have various hobbies I enjoy and things I want to learn.

 

[rabbithole]

Just rent a really nice hotel room if you want to go somewhere comfortable.

But I know what you mean, I think we're in similar boats. Chronically ill and just unable to go on much longer. But don't actually want to die, have a loving family / extended family. Had a decent career that could be restarted if health came back. Have various hobbies I enjoy and things I want to learn.

My si gets in the way when I try to rent a room. Especially because I have about 500$ left to my name and no way to get more any time soon. I'm afraid to use it.

I know how you feel truly. I love my family and I loved my life before my illness. Now I'm anxious always and I think of suicide constantly. It's every other thought. I don't know how to live being disabled.

 

[greyhound]

My si gets in the way when I try to rent a room. Especially because I have about 500$ left to my name and no way to get more any time soon. I'm afraid to use it.

I know how you feel truly. I love my family and I loved my life before my illness. Now I'm anxious always and I think of suicide constantly. It's every other thought. I don't know how to live being disabled.

Yeah I literally can't stop thinking about suicide either. I guess it's because I've almost given up all hope of any relief from the suffering, other than death. So I am obsessed with death as being relief, but also obsessed with it because I am still afraid of it.

The pain involved while CTBing is probably secondary to just the unknowability of what it's like to be dead.

 

[sadworld]

True. Everything gives me anxiety. I just wanna die in my sleep. Hugs

 

[nofutureghost]

it's quite bad imagine that my mom or sister could find my body at home but theres is no other place I can go instead so I'm just waiting to be alone at home to ctb, what happen happened

 

[Spitfire]

I'm in a bad situation. I don't know what to do. I think if I had a comfortable place to die and I wouldn't hurt my family I'd be able to go through with it. But I have to leave my home and do it in my cold car in some dark parking lot so I don't traumatize my family by doing it at home. Damnit. I should just do it at home and not worry. But I feel so awful doing that.

anyway. How're you guys today. Anyone else desperate for some third option - not just exist or die? I want a life. I just can't have one now.

I'm fine fine fine and okay, OK? I'm fine damn it, I'm fine and okay, OK? OKAY, fine then I am okay...

Yes

 

[rabbithole]

Yeah I literally can't stop thinking about suicide either. I guess it's because I've almost given up all hope of any relief from the suffering, other than death. So I am obsessed with death as being relief, but also obsessed with it because I am still afraid of it.

The pain involved while CTBing is probably secondary to just the unknowability of what it's like to be dead.

Exactly. Since we've come into this world we've been conscious...giving that up is seemingly impossible for me even though I am suffering each moment. There is no peace but in sleep, truly. I am afraid to keep living because I keep having breakdowns that upset my family. But if I die my sister already told me she'll spit on my grave because she'll hate me. Idk what to do.

I want to do it at home but I can't do that to my family. I want to do it in my car but my dad just spent at least 8 hours fixing it for me and he'll blame himself forever if I take it and ctb. Idk.

 

[Spitfire]

My si gets in the way when I try to rent a room. Especially because I have about 500$ left to my name and no way to get more any time soon. I'm afraid to use it.

I know how you feel truly. I love my family and I loved my life before my illness. Now I'm anxious always and I think of suicide constantly. It's every other thought. I don't know how to live being disabled.

other thoughts are artificial to me anymore, it is soo practically evidentiary and copartly nuxt and I HATE (capitalized) it.

It consumes about 99% of my awake thoughts.

I wish I could just be asleep already

 

[rabbithole]

other thoughts are artificial to me anymore, it is soo practically evidentiary and copartly nuxt and I HATE (capitalized) it.

It consumes about 99% of my awake thoughts.

I wish I could just be asleep already

Is there a particular catalyst for wanting to ctb so badly? If you don't mind me asking.

 

[Spitfire]

Is there a particular catalyst for wanting to ctb so badly? If you don't mind me asking.

YES 100% there is and fick that shit it pisses me off soo bad people are that far off to know the same, this life is pure shit, in my fucking opinion God damn it 'mother fuckers'

FUCK

Who the fuck can not see it?

 

[Meditation guide]

Had a decent career that could be restarted if health came back. Have various hobbies I enjoy and things I want to learn.

Me too. I have a life that would be worth living but my health is so bad. It's the only thing that is making me want to end it.

 

[plough22]

Ditto my friend, there is still a part that wants to survive but the other part of me is getting more space. It'll hurt people but they'll get in with their lives. We are only fleeting