punisheralbum
Member
- Feb 19, 2021
- 17
I've been really planning to ctb for the last week or so; I bought SN from A. but I'm scared. in some ways I don't want to die, but life is just so constantly overwhelming... my mental health is on a downward spiral, I'm having so much anxiety that I'm having trouble going to work at all. I applied for SSI (edit: this is the US's governmental disability allowance) last month thinking maybe I need that, but I don't know when I'll get a response and from what I've heard it's very likely I'll be denied. I'm so scared of everything - my past, now, and the future. I know people around me are worried but they don't know how bad it is. I don't know if my life is something I can repair. A lot of that is due to not just my mental illnesses (I'm bipolar, have anxiety, CPTSD) but due to my trauma. I have so much trauma I couldn't list it here. but to make it short, I've been physically, emotionally, and sexually abused as well as physically and emotionally neglected. by people I love with all my heart and forgive. but I can't forget no matter how much I want to. I've said this to my therapist, but the abuse truly broke my brain. I can even pinpoint the month and year the dam broke in my head. October 2013. I was r*ped by my half brother a year before that and my brain just...cracked like an egg. memory issues, nightmares, flashbacks, regression, sexual dysfunction, OCD, extreme dissociation... and I have never recovered. I've moved states, been in a long term relationship, gotten 7 years older, and I'm still not the same person. I struggle with anhedonia and severe dissociation. I can maybe see a life I want, but not one I feel like I can get to from here. I was thinking of ctb tomorrow. I have to work and I don't know that I can do it. I was thinking of parking in the usually empty parking garage next door and using my SN. I know my family and friends will be devastated, but I don't know what else to do. If you read all this, thanks.