Venting scared to ctb

[sundown12]

i've been thinking about all the pain i've gone through, and it feels like my life is useless, and that I should just die to teach my parents a lesson.

logically I know I haven't experienced real hardship like people in warzones and etc, but it feels like all the little instances of people casually humiliating me has just snowballed into my current suicidal mood.

i really want to end it all. in my apartment complex, there are balconies on each floor in the common area. i couldn't get to one on the last floor, but the one below it seems just right. i read a book about souls that mentioned that souls tend to leave the body seconds before death. the problem is that i'm scared. i'm scared of failing, and becoming a vegetable for the rest of my life. also i'm really scared of heights, and I've thought about other methods, but jumping just seems more accessible. if i could get a gun, i'd get a gun, but it's not an option at the moment.

i don't know. i'm just really exhausted and i see no future for myself in this godforsaken country. i'm jobless and extremely introverted, and the thought of having a job where i have to talk to people just freaks me out.

just a stream of consciousness, i guess

 

[FuneralCry]

It's certainly understandable feeling tired of suffering in this existence, I wish that it's more straightforward to cease existing on our own terms, a ctb attempt going wrong is also what I would fear. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[filthystray]

Just because you haven't been in a warzone doesn't mean that your pain is any less valid. Remember, you are allowed to hurt without having to go through the worst case scenario. Also it is understandable to be a little scared when staring at the end in the face. Like you mentioned the consequence of failure is high and it's just a daunting beast to take on by itself. I wish the best of luck to you. Whatever you choose.

 

[sundown12]

It's certainly understandable feeling tired of suffering in this existence, I wish that it's more straightforward to cease existing on our own terms, a ctb attempt going wrong is also what I would fear. But anyway I wish you the best.

thank you! i agree, there are so many methods and the only one that's super reliable is fentanyl, that is hard to obtain if you are outside of the US.

Just because you haven't been in a warzone doesn't mean that your pain is any less valid. Remember, you are allowed to hurt without having to go through the worst case scenario. Also it is understandable to be a little scared when staring at the end in the face. Like you mentioned the consequence of failure is high and it's just a daunting beast to take on by itself. I wish the best of luck to you. Whatever you choose.

i almost feel guilty for feeling scared of jumping, but i imagine myself falling down and having thoughts in that moment, and my mind just goes "hell no".

 

[IWishToDie]

Don't jump unless you're 10 floors up. What country are you in? What are your major problems?

thank you! i agree, there are so many methods and the only one that's super reliable is fentanyl, that is hard to obtain if you are outside of the US.

i almost feel guilty for feeling scared of jumping, but i imagine myself falling down and having thoughts in that moment, and my mind just goes "hell no".

 

[new2blue]

Jumping needs to be from at least 10 floors, as others have mentioned. The impact zone needs to be a hard surface. Even then, there's no certainty (like most methods that are accessible). I think the best odds for jumping involve water, cause if the impact doesn't kill you, the drowning will. If you are not ready, then so be it. You will know if you are. I am not scared of non existence. I didn't exist before I was born and I won't after I die. I am scared of failing though, like most people here.

Do not make any rash decisions. Think it through. This is not a deduction to take half heartedly. I hope you find peace, however you find it.

 

[sundown12]

i decided not to jump eventually, i opted for partial hanging instead.

Don't jump unless you're 10 floors up. What country are you in? What are your major problems?

i'm in Russia, my biggest fear is being found and sent to the psych ward for like the millionth time. in russian psych wards, they really take their time breaking you down psychologically.

 

[rozeske]

i decided not to jump eventually, i opted for partial hanging instead.

Welcome to the hangers club :) I wish you all the best and i hope you find your peace

 

[Reuthry]

I have been experiencing the same feelings for more than 2 years, feeling afraid of failing my suicide. Well, it took me time, and I had to read and make a lot of research to decide upon a method. I think it takes time to get used to that feeling I guess.
I wish you the best, hoping for you to find peace.