RedKingdom
Save me from this hell, let me rest in peace
- Mar 6, 2023
- 33
Fantasizing about ending my suffering always made me calm and at ease knowing it'll be over soon. Realizing that I need to follow through with this in the next couple days though is really weighing on me. It's finally setting in on what's going to happen. Now that I'm not working and only have so much money left, it has to be done. I refuse to be a burden to my family any longer and watch them struggle. I hate feeling weak and hesitant about CTB when it's what I've wanted for so long. I'm definitely going to need some support when I'm ready cuz I can't keep going on like this. I have bipolar disorder along with severe anxiety and borderline agoraphobia. Living with this is hell everyday. I absolutely hate myself and my self esteem is non existent. Anytime I'm around people, I feel completely disconnected and uncomfortable around them. It's like I don't even know who I am and am completely lost. Nothing brings me joy in life and all I want to do is get drunk to numb the pain and play video games as a distraction. Obviously it isn't feasible to live like this. Don't know what else to say but wanted to get my thoughts out there as I prepare for my journey. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.