So...
After having to live whit this feeling for basically my whole life
Specially in my teenage years, I swear I have been miserable since then
I finally discussed whit someone that yes I probably have gender dysphoria and while the comorbities associated whit that are already a pretty strong reason for me to ctb
And while its reassuring to know that what I feel is valid and i truly need help it still hurts I still feel pain
My life has been hell for so long, not only wasnt I truthful to myself that I wasnt happy living a lie, the things I did due to stress and self loathing haunt me even now
I left a toxic relationship where the other party put all the blame on my back, my father ctb himself out of nowhere and while that gave me more freedom since he was a controlling piece of shit , I feel guilty for his death, I have always felt guilty for being born not only due to these feelings(dysphoria) but also for how much my mom was hurt by my father, and how much isolated I was from my family due to once again my father being an insufferable old man
But still due to everything that happened and everyone that hurt me I gave in and bought SN
I am not proud of doing it nor want to condone it
But it gives me reassurance, if shit hits the fan I have a way to leave, I need a way to leave to get peace of mind
The same way I need help whit this feeling to have peace of mind
Even then I am scared that people will hurt me, I have so much paranoia due to everything that happened and I feel like I wont last long because the trauma I have been dealing whit haunts me at my core
I am so scared of mentioning to my therapist that I have a way to leave because I want to have this escape method if all else fails
If my family discovers it I wont be able to have peace anymore, they will judge me, they will scream at me and make sure that every waking moment I experience hell even though I only want to get better
After having to live whit this feeling for basically my whole life
Specially in my teenage years, I swear I have been miserable since then
I finally discussed whit someone that yes I probably have gender dysphoria and while the comorbities associated whit that are already a pretty strong reason for me to ctb
And while its reassuring to know that what I feel is valid and i truly need help it still hurts I still feel pain
My life has been hell for so long, not only wasnt I truthful to myself that I wasnt happy living a lie, the things I did due to stress and self loathing haunt me even now
I left a toxic relationship where the other party put all the blame on my back, my father ctb himself out of nowhere and while that gave me more freedom since he was a controlling piece of shit , I feel guilty for his death, I have always felt guilty for being born not only due to these feelings(dysphoria) but also for how much my mom was hurt by my father, and how much isolated I was from my family due to once again my father being an insufferable old man
But still due to everything that happened and everyone that hurt me I gave in and bought SN
I am not proud of doing it nor want to condone it
But it gives me reassurance, if shit hits the fan I have a way to leave, I need a way to leave to get peace of mind
The same way I need help whit this feeling to have peace of mind
Even then I am scared that people will hurt me, I have so much paranoia due to everything that happened and I feel like I wont last long because the trauma I have been dealing whit haunts me at my core
I am so scared of mentioning to my therapist that I have a way to leave because I want to have this escape method if all else fails
If my family discovers it I wont be able to have peace anymore, they will judge me, they will scream at me and make sure that every waking moment I experience hell even though I only want to get better
