Discussion scared of impulsivity

[mushroomdug]

i'm in a tough place right now mentally. Suicide is on my mind constantly and every new day that goes by I feel like i'm i'm creeping just that much closer to my own self inflicted death. I'm terrified of dying and it's that fear that's kept me safe these last few years because no matter how suicidal I was feeling it never was enough to outweigh my fear of death. I'm really interested in the timeline/progression of suicidal ideation and I recently read a study about that subject here

one part that stood out to me was when they asked the suicide attempt survivors about the moments leading up to their attempt. it varies wildly sometimes it was minutes between the initial thought and the attempt other times it was decades. with one person in particular they mentioned how the day they attempted they simply just felt like it was finally time to die after a long stretch of ideation. this idea terrified me because me in regards to my own ideation i've been worried about how fragile my mental state actually is and how little it might take for me to come the decision to CTB. There are a few unpredictable major life events that i'm certain would trigger me to kill myself like if one of my parents suddenly passed away or if I was diagnosed with a serious medical condition. i've played out those scenarios thousands of times in my head and theres just no way I would be able to make it to the next day if I experienced sometime like that. but i'm worried about other, more minor, things that could trigger the same impulsive attempt. like if I was forced into another stressful relocation or if I was pulled over for a traffic violation or even just the possibility that I get to that day where I wake up and just "feel like it's finally time" my fear of death and survival instincts are two of the only things preventing my suicide right now and the thought that one day I might just completely lose those tethers really scares me. as long as i'm conscious and living with this fear of death i'd consider myself safe from suicide because like I mentioned before my suicidal thoughts have yet to outweigh my fear of death so as far as my conscious mind is concerned I would never do that to myself but i'm scared that one day my subconscious suicidal mind will take over and i'll basically be forced into some kind of autopilot mode and end up killing myself. does anyone else think about this? are there any attempt survivors who can shed some light on your experience in regards to the timeline between your initial suicidal ideation and your attempt? i'm also just curious to hear about how others ideation has progressed even if you haven't attempted. are there things you experience now that surprised you when you began to experience them? for instance I considered myself more towards the "beginning" or "safer" side of the spectrum for a long time because in my research three distinct emotions seemed to be really prevalent in later stage suicidal people those emotions were malignant shame, guilt, and feeling burdensome. I just never really felt any of those strongly but as the years have passed I have come to HEAVILY relate to all three of those almost as if they came to afflict me from some unplaceable supernatural place. realizing that I was now someone being weighed down by those specific negative emotions scared me because now all of the sudden i felt myself moved substantially to the other end of the suicidal spectrum. is there more? are there warning signs i should be aware of that im getting close to the point of no return? any advice or thoughts are appreciated thank youguys

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Hi!
I hear what you're saying and I'm sorry you're in such a bad place!

I think everyone's 'timeline' or struggle will be different as it depends on so many factors. Like you said, you are terrified of dying, and it has kept you 'safe'. That's a big thing, will you suddenly just overcome it? Deeply ingrained fears are usually not so easy to get rid off?

I've been suicidal in one form or another since I was young. I've been there and thought I'd kill myself once my parents died. But here we are a couple of years after they've passed and while I've come close a couple of times, I've never actually attempted. Instead I kept going for my pets. Made a safety plan to protect me from my impulsiveness. Learned to recognize my spiralling thoughts.

Then I got ill, I'm practically housebound. And not a day goes by I am not tempted to escape this hell. But instead I focus my attention again on my pets. I started therapy. I'm not saying I'm anywhere near ok, but I am still here and fighting despite my worst nightmares becoming reality. And I never thought I'd be able survive this, before any of it happened. I surprised myself, despite feeling so bad. I sincerely hope none of what you fear will happen! And who knows, you might surprise yourself as well!

Not too long ago I stood in my kitchen, crying and contemplating ending things because my slice of bread was too big for the toaster. I mean... I really get you. Sometimes it feels like anything can set me off.
But I instead walked away and laughed like crazy for getting so upset over a slice of bread off all things..

I've never felt shame or guilt. Not when I was "closer to the edge", not now. I'm sorry for you, no one should have to feel that way!

I can't predict your future obviously. But maybe you could see if therapy could work for you, if its an option? Or try to talk things over with someone you trust? Make your own safety plan if you are scared of being impulsive maybe. Try to find things that work for you, if you get too overwhelmed, that can calm you down again. Or more reasons to stay. Or find the silliest of little things that can make you laugh.

Feel free to shoot me a message if you would like to talk :)
I hope you can find anything useful from me rambling..