Help Scared of getting better?

[AnnihilatedAnna]

is anyone scared of getting better?

For my therapy thing I have to keep track of my moods and I have to grade them, I grade from a scale of 1 being completely miserable to 7 which is fantastic. My days consist of 1 and 2. Sometimes I'll get a three, but most of the time I'm genuinely scared when that happens. I think that is because every time I've gotten a little Better it came crashing down in a couple of days sometimes in hours. I dread getting better and somedays I question wether or not I want to. I do wanna get better but is it for me or for other people?

Does anybody else feel like this?

 

[brighter]

Short term, I get scared because I'll feel good for a day and the next morning I'll wake up scrambling for something to hold onto knowing I'm gone again.

Long term I'm still scared. the depression has taken all the interest I had in hobbies and my future away, and I've put so much effort into ending it I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I got better. If there's anything left of me after all this self-destruction. I think being suicidal has taken too much for me to cope if I got better.

 

[TheNorthernSilence]

I guess I would be scared because it would eventually mean things like taking more responsibility and I've never been able to do it financially for example. Also I don't know any other state of mind which I'm currently on so the definition of getting better confuses me itself. I don't know if I'm making any sense, even writing here seems so hard for me now.

 

[AnnihilatedAnna]

I guess I would be scared because it would eventually mean things like taking more responsibility and I've never been able to do it financially for example. Also I don't know any other state of mind which I'm currently on so the definition of getting better confuses me itself. I don't know if I'm making any sense, even writing here seems so hard for me now.

It makes sense, thanks for ur response, you too brighter.

 

[favourite]

Im scared simply because I've been sad for such a long time that it has put roots in me, became a part of me. I don't know who would I be without this sadness.

 

[TheNorthernSilence]

It makes sense, thanks for ur response, you too brighter.

Thank you for your feedback and kind words. I hope you'll manage it somehow.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Yes. I am actually very afraid of getting better partly because every time i have "gotten better" and I feel like life finally is going to be good or at least tolerable, something unimaginably bad always happens to bring me right back down. Its like life sees me happy and forbids it. The feeling of almost reaching happiness and peace in life and having it unmercifully taken is just too hard.
I also fear getting better because these feeling are kind of a security in a weird sort of way. I have grown so accustom to it. Happiness for me has always been short lived and fleeting. Misery is what I know best.

 

[brighter]

Im scared simply because I've been sad for such a long time that it has put roots in me, became a part of me. I don't know who would I be without this sadness.

I've been on SS for a month and so far this is the message that has touched me the most

 

[First loss]

I don't really dread or anything, but I have noticed that every time things get a little bit better in my life, something comes crashing down on me and making it 100x harder.

 

[Mark Edward]

I can relate to this as for the past few weeks I have been trying really hard to enjoy my life and be grateful for everything in it, but it's so easy for it to come crashing down leaving you in a miserable yet familiar state of depression.
However, it's not happened yet.

 

[mpti]

I don't know, I just feel like I have a bit of a death drive in general. Like, if I had everything and was doing well I'd still want to die. Somehow I feel I'm just not fit for this world.

 

[AnnihilatedAnna]

I can relate to this as for the past few weeks I have been trying really hard to enjoy my life and be grateful for everything in it, but it's so easy for it to come crashing down leaving you in a miserable yet familiar state of depression.
However, it's not happened yet.

I really hope it stays away, good luck!

 

[Lil_Intro_Vert]

i don't really know who i am when i'm not sad, i struggle with my identity and who i am a lot, and the whole meaning of life. being happy beyond laughing at a joke or hanging with others seems impossible, whenever I'm alone i always feel empty and idk if filling that hole is possible or genuine

 

[Redt2go]

Yeah that plus I think it's hard to do both attempt to get better and want to die...

 

[Taylored]

I'm scared of getting better I've been this way so long I don't know how I'd be if everything suddenly changed.

 

[Cookiedough8956]

Im also scared of having things get better and tbh i dont want to. I find peace in this and comfort. I've been like this as long as i remember. If things start changing what will i do? How will i act? Etc. Its like my personality now and with this help its like im becomimg someone else.

Im not even doing it for me, i know that foe a fact. Im doing it for my bf

Really hope its worth it :(

 

[Redt2go]

Im also scared of having things get better and tbh i dont want to. I find peace in this and comfort. I've been like this as long as i remember. If things start changing what will i do? How will i act? Etc. Its like my personality now and with this help its like im becomimg someone else.

Im not even doing it for me, i know that foe a fact. Im doing it for my bf

Really hope its worth it :(

You're killing yourself for your boyfriend?

 

[Cookiedough8956]

You're killing yourself for your boyfriend?

Nooo, i meant im getting help

 

[Redt2go]

Nooo, i meant im getting help

Ohhh yay good for the both of you

 

[Cookiedough8956]

Ohhh yay good for the both of you

Thank you :)

 

[ForgetAboutMe]

Absolutely. The effort to be better never ends and I can't sustain it for years at a time. Eventually i lose hope. I always do. It can be it's own personal hell, working to get better just to come crashing down then repeat. Life isn't a fairy tale and I won't wake up one day different and I won't get a happy ending.

EDIT: also a big part of me doesn't think i deserve to get better, i really do hate myself.

 

[Lefty]

I feel decent right now. Of course I'm not sure how long that will last. In other words, depression and mental illness is a bitch.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Great question! Yes, I fear getting better because, barring murder or disease or an accident getting me first, I have to commit suicide. It's my retirement plan. I'm too poor and too solitary to get old.

 

[Redt2go]

I feel decent right now. Of course I'm not sure how long that will last. In other words, depression and mental illness is a bitch.

Yeah it's like the boogey monster, you never know when it's coming to drag you under... torture you

 

[reveriewong]

I'm so glad that you want to get better!

Right now, maybe you want to get better for others, or maybe it's for yourself, or maybe it's a bit of both. You're adopting a sense of purpose and/or responsibility either way, and yes, it can be scary to take on that responsibility (of bettering yourself), but it is definitely a worthwhile cause. You have inherent worth and your decisions do matter.

 

[AnnihilatedAnna]

Yeah it's like the boogey monster, you never know when it's coming to drag you under... torture you

Exactly.

I'm so glad that you want to get better!

Right now, maybe you want to get better for others, or maybe it's for yourself, or maybe it's a bit of both. You're adopting a sense of purpose and/or responsibility either way, and yes, it can be scary to take on that responsibility (of bettering yourself), but it is definitely a worthwhile cause. You have inherent worth and your decisions do matter.

Thank you so much! I am trying to look rationally at both the option of getting better and suicide. Both seem attractive. If i do get better for now its about getting to say "Screw everybody, i made it!" But you know in a positive way

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

I'm doing the same, actually, but 1 to 5.
Using an app, though, and would love some help getting the developer to put fully customizable moods in the premium, like 1.5 instead of 1.

 

[AnnihilatedAnna]

I'm doing the same, actually, but 1 to 5.
Using an app, though, and would love some help getting the developer to put fully customizable moods in the premium, like 1.5 instead of 1.

Which app do you use?? Daylio?

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

Which app do you use?? Daylio?

Yeah. Before it I was very very gloomy because I remember every epileptic aura like I just got out of it even if it was eight hours ago, but now it's more of a "huh. Well today was shit, but not shit shit."

 

[RM5998]

is anyone scared of getting better?

For my therapy thing I have to keep track of my moods and I have to grade them, I grade from a scale of 1 being completely miserable to 7 which is fantastic. My days consist of 1 and 2. Sometimes I'll get a three, but most of the time I'm genuinely scared when that happens. I think that is because every time I've gotten a little Better it came crashing down in a couple of days sometimes in hours. I dread getting better and somedays I question wether or not I want to. I do wanna get better but is it for me or for other people?

Does anybody else feel like this?

By your scale, my days are not at a zero now, so I'm happy. And now that I've written this, I'm probably going to jinx myself, so I'm going to be scared till the inevitable crash happens.

Hopefully it'll come after the semester ends and there are no more papers to give... wait, I have an internship queued up in summer. Who thought that was a good idea? Fuck me, and my life, and everything about it.