Discussion Scared of dying

[BrandNewWorld]

I had an interesting childhood, to say the least. My father was a wife beater and used to beat my mom when me and my sister were little kids. We eventually grew up to hate him. Every moment my sister tried to reconcile with him turned disastrous, with him having massive arguments with her very often (even physical, as in him hitting her). I didn't even try to reunite the family. I have always thought that he was a lost case and our relationship couldn't be repaired.
As of late I have been acting like my dad, a lot. I hit my sister yesterday and she blurted out, "you're just like your dad, aren't you?", my mum says that to me a lot as well when I do something that reminds her of him. I have always promised myself that if I will grow up to be a person like him, I will kill myself. Some things never change. I have tried changing my behavior, I went outside and talked to people, but deep within I still have genes from that man. That's what bugs me. Last night, a revelation hit me, that I WILL become HIM at one point. That's what scares me, that's what sends chills down my spine.
Because I WANT to live, I don't want to die. I genuinely think that life is beautiful if you're with the right people. But if destiny wants it, I will die. I have been suicidal before, a big part of the reason being my dad's shenanigans.
Still though, even after all of that, I still think I am not ready to die. I don't know why, call me a coward, but I don't think I am ready to do it just yet. I don't know how I will keep living on KNOWING that I will one day become just like my father.

 

[esistzeit]

This reminds me of the Linkin Park song "figure.09". Give it a listen

As men, it is crucial, of paramount importance, that we have a healthy male figure while growing up to guide us into manhood. Unfortunately you didn't have one. I'm sorry for you. I didn't have one either.

My father was never there. He was (and is) alive and lived only a few kilometers away but he never bothered. His absence, coupled with the overbearing controlling nature of my mother, resulted in my psychological "castration" from a very early age and I never learned how to be a man. A coward enslaved by fear, that's me.

Much of what's gone wrong in my life are results of things that were out of my control and that happened before I was wise enough to anything about them. This enrages me so much that I feel like destroying the entire universe and everything in it so nothing can exist ever again.

I too promised myself I'd never be like him.

I'm sorry brother, I understand your pain

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Have you tried looking into getting help from a professional? They might be able to help you with this. You aren't evil, you are just acting this way due to being exposed to this type of behaviour when you were younger. Being exposed to lots of aggression as a child can lead one to engage in more aggressive behaviours as they grow up. You aren't your dad. You recognize what you are doing is wrong and you want to change. I'd say you should seek help first before attempting. Ctb is a permanent decision and is something that you should only do if you are certain that you want to die.

 

[Splurged]

You are not your father. Yes, you share his genes, but you also have your own mind, your own heart, and the power to make your own choices. The fact that you're reflecting on this and feeling remorse shows that you're already different from him in a fundamental way. You're self-aware and you care about the kind of person you become.

You got this

 

[BrandNewWorld]

Have you tried looking into getting help from a professional? They might be able to help you with this. You aren't evil, you are just acting this way due to being exposed to this type of behaviour when you were younger. Being exposed to lots of aggression as a child can lead one to engage in more aggressive behaviours as they grow up. You aren't your dad. You recognize what you are doing is wrong and you want to change. I'd say you should seek help first before attempting. Ctb is a permanent decision and is something that you should only do if you are certain that you want to die.

no, but my mum and some other people who are close to me recommended me to do so a while ago, i'll try to see what i can do. Thankyou so much for the kind words!

 

[Jeav]

Hi, here's a schema to help you understand what you're going through. It's completely normal—the family environment is a major factor in shaping your personality. The fact that you're aware of it is already a good start. The problem with previous generations is that they didn't have the time to listen to themselves, understand their suffering, and resolve it.




Don't be hard on yourself; you are simply the result of your environment. Becoming aware of your behavior is already a sign of kindness, and I admire that.

 

[graysme]

I have a similiar story to yours. My dad used to beat me and my mom when I was a very small child. I promised the same things you promised to yourself. What motivates me the most to try to be a decent person is to simply be better than that piece of shit. It might sound selfish or dumb, I know, but everyone's gotta find their own fuel through life. I'm sure you will figure it out, don't worry. You just need to find your own way.

 

[BrandNewWorld]

I have a similiar story to yours. My dad used to beat me and my mom when I was a very small child. I promised the same things you promised to yourself. What motivates me the most to try to be a decent person is to simply be better than that piece of shit. It might sound selfish or dumb, I know, but everyone's gotta find their own fuel through life. I'm sure you will figure it out, don't worry. You just need to find your own way.

Thanks for the encouragement. As it turns out, my grandpa was a wife beater too (and a very violent person in general). That's the reason this is all so scary for me, thinking that at one point my father too thought of never becoming the same person like HIS father, but he still did.

 

[fatladysings]

I had an interesting childhood, to say the least. My father was a wife beater and used to beat my mom when me and my sister were little kids. We eventually grew up to hate him. Every moment my sister tried to reconcile with him turned disastrous, with him having massive arguments with her very often (even physical, as in him hitting her). I didn't even try to reunite the family. I have always thought that he was a lost case and our relationship couldn't be repaired.
As of late I have been acting like my dad, a lot. I hit my sister yesterday and she blurted out, "you're just like your dad, aren't you?", my mum says that to me a lot as well when I do something that reminds her of him. I have always promised myself that if I will grow up to be a person like him, I will kill myself. Some things never change. I have tried changing my behavior, I went outside and talked to people, but deep within I still have genes from that man. That's what bugs me. Last night, a revelation hit me, that I WILL become HIM at one point. That's what scares me, that's what sends chills down my spine.
Because I WANT to live, I don't want to die. I genuinely think that life is beautiful if you're with the right people. But if destiny wants it, I will die. I have been suicidal before, a big part of the reason being my dad's shenanigans.
Still though, even after all of that, I still think I am not ready to die. I don't know why, call me a coward, but I don't think I am ready to do it just yet. I don't know how I will keep living on KNOWING that I will one day become just like my father.

Nobody will call you a coward for not wanting to kill yourself. Keep re-reading what eviscerated jester posted above cos he hit the nail on the head in his post. You don't sound like you are ready to ctb - you specifically say you want to live. You say you think life is beautiful if you are with the right people. So, going forward, instead of trying to ctb, why not try surrounding yourself with the right people? Even though this is a forum for suicidal people, nobody in here wants to read about someone ctb'ing needlessly. People in this forum are ctb'ing because they have lost all hope but that's not the message coming across in your post. Have a think about what eviscerated jester said about getting some therapy to help with your aggressive tendencies. You don't have to turn out like your dad just because you've got his genes. Ive got the genes to be an alcoholic - both my parents were alcoholics - but I'm not an alcoholic because I choose not to drink. You can beat your genes.