Scared of CBT

[killedbypsychiatry]

My existence is a nightmare I can't scape from. I used to love life so fucking much but since SSRIs left me with severe brain and CNS damage and PSSD I suffer 24/7 so much. The pain outweighs the small pleasure I can get in my life. I am bed ridden and apart from brain damage, SSRIs also made me develop autoimmune illnesses like cfs, Hashimoto's, arthritis and I'm getting tested for lupus. However something about death gives me so much fear.

-I fear never being able to see my twin sister who I love so so much. She's the reason I struggle so much to make up my mind about CBT. I love her so so much and can't imagine doing this to her but at the same time I am in deep pain everyday.

-As well whenever I think about CBT my stupid mind has an excuse and reason to make me stay. Stupid Thoughts like "you'll never be able to drink coffee or eat chocolate"

-or memories of how good my life was before this illness. I can't enjoy shit no more but these memories pop up and make me feel bad about ending it.

How can I deal with these stupid thoughts that keep me from CBT, I don't want to live, I want peace from my suffering, but my brain always finds a way to scare me... should I just wait for me illness to become worse so that I can have less will to live? should I try to do everything my brain tells me I'll miss as much as I can? (Ive been eating cake everyday bc my brain tells me I'll miss that lol) How can I make this thoughts disappear?

I am also scared of expiring the dying process. Scared my mind will starting throwing all of this thoughts while I CBT. :/

 

[FocusExpert]

I don't know how. I am struggling with the same problem. My mind tells me that I have lived a long life not all of which was pain, thus I owe it to the world to live out my life.
Heck it's harder to explain still. All I can say is I am stuck in many circular thoughts. As long as the option to ctb stays with me this is fine by me.

 

[the_final_countdown]

My existence is a nightmare I can't scape from. I used to love life so fucking much but since SSRIs left me with severe brain and CNS damage and PSSD I suffer 24/7 so much. The pain outweighs the small pleasure I can get in my life. I am bed ridden and apart from brain damage, SSRIs also made me develop autoimmune illnesses like cfs, Hashimoto's, arthritis and I'm getting tested for lupus. However something about death gives me so much fear.

-I fear never being able to see my twin sister who I love so so much. She's the reason I struggle so much to make up my mind about CBT. I love her so so much and can't imagine doing this to her but at the same time I am in deep pain everyday.

-As well whenever I think about CBT my stupid mind has an excuse and reason to make me stay. Stupid Thoughts like "you'll never be able to drink coffee or eat chocolate"

-or memories of how good my life was before this illness. I can't enjoy shit no more but these memories pop up and make me feel bad about ending it.

How can I deal with these stupid thoughts that keep me from CBT, I don't want to live, I want peace from my suffering, but my brain always finds a way to scare me... should I just wait for me illness to become worse so that I can have less will to live? should I try to do everything my brain tells me I'll miss as much as I can? (Ive been eating cake everyday bc my brain tells me I'll miss that lol) How can I make this thoughts disappear?

I am also scared of expiring the dying process. Scared my mind will starting throwing all of this thoughts while I CBT. :/

I'm sorry you've gone through this experience friend.

If you have autoimmune like problems, it suggests the SSRI's disrupted your gut microbiome.

With time, your symptoms may improve. But I understand your plight and suffering.

I wish you well.

 

[WornOutLife]

Being scared of CTB is just like being scared of something you don't know anything about.

What is death like? Nobody knows.

Some say you simply stop existing. Some others say there's a soul and all that stuff.

The thing is, death is inevitable so, whether you ctb or not, you will soon realize what it is all about.

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

I'm sorry you've gone through this experience friend.

If you have autoimmune like problems, it suggests the SSRI's disrupted your gut microbiome.

With time, your symptoms may improve. But I understand your plight and suffering.

Thanks friend! :) yes the SSRIs gave me a bunch of gut issues and I was trying to do a gut diet but I've slipped and started binging as a way to cope with the trauma and how bad I feel :/ I need to try to go back to the diet

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

lol I just realized I used CBT instead of CTB because i used to hear the word CBT a lot form "cognitive behavioral therapy" and it got stuck in my brain

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

lol I just realized I used CBT instead of CTB because i used to hear the word CBT a lot form "cognitive behavioral therapy" and it got stuck in my brain

Yeah I thought about writing something 'witty' like it's not that scary, it's only a bit of therapy, etc. etc.

 

[TheLomboq]

I´m sorry to hear what you´re going through. I was put on on SSRI´s awhile ago as well, but put it off because of the headaches and the side effects. To read the damage it can cause to some is gut-wrenching. As if life wasn´t throwing enough hurdles in your way... I´m not sure whether that gets better or not, but you´re probably better off asking a professional on that. I sure hope it does

Death is so hard to bear, because we will quite frankly never grasp it in its entirety. The unknown is scary, so what we ought to do is figure out a way to make it more certain. I think this is were you need to trick yourself. Find a new mantra, that your mind can abide it, so to make death I guess more hopeful, than to only see it as "the end". For some its philosophy, for other spiritualism and some are just die hard rationalist. Like that if you CTB, it doesn´t mean that you will never get to see your twin sister again (although rest assured, you will probably look much prettier than her if you do haha) or that the taste of cake will greet you again just somewhere else or that whatever greets you on the other side will be much more calm and peaceful than things ever will be here...

The SS mega-resource thread has a section on literature and essay you might want to read. They will help you find your path better, than I will ever do. But till good luck and I hope things turn out better for you