ive had suicidal ideations for years, but over the past year i have actively been planning towards it. my life isnt the worst, i am surrounded by friends and family that love me. i have an absolutely wonderful girlfriend. shes the only reason im still here. i love her too much to go through with my plan because i know it would break her. while i do worry about the consequences for my friends and family, i figure not much will matter to me if im dead. i have arrangements in order for the process to be as easy as possible for everyone involved. i am absolutely miserable and dont yearn for a future. i dont want to live long enough to see myself get sucked into the capitalist system. all day, i think about going through with it. every once in awhile i get a sliver of happiness or ambition, but it goes away after a second. i sometimes, and i hate this thought, hope that my gf dumps me so i can finally CTB. im not quite sure what to do anymore. i suppose i keep living until i really cant take it, or i possibly find the motivation to live.
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