Scared I will never have the courage

[butimbleeding]

I had a BPD-fueled emotional evening and this is one thing on my mind I can't tell anyone in my life about.

I know my life isn't going to get better as my fucked up, senseless, mentally ill, inconsistent brain can't get me to commit to recovery.

Death seems the only way out. I do want to die, I think about it all day, every day. But it's a scary thought, the pain of ending my life and traumatizing my family.

I'm scared I can't get myself to carry out the necessary steps. It's not an easy thing to do. I can't find the carotid artery for partial hanging, can't find an anchor point for full suspension, and can't exactly afford DMC's SN especially with the new added fee of his new unconventional payment.

The main point is I'm scared that I can't get myself to kill myself, even though it's what I want most. Anxiety and low energy is a bitch. But the idea of staying alive scares me just as much. I feel I'm in purgatory.

Thanks for reading my vent. Anyone else scared that they'll have to go on living for the foreseeable future?

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I have major depressive disorder and can barely get out of bed each day. Death is the only way out for me but I'm too scared to do it and don't want to traumatize anyone. But I can't imagine going on like this, my brain is broken and I've already tried everything to fix it. I'm so sorry for your illness. It isn't purgatory. It is literal hell.

 

[butimbleeding]

I have major depressive disorder and can barely get out of bed each day. Death is the only way out for me but I'm too scared to do it and don't want to traumatize anyone. But I can't imagine going on like this, my brain is broken and I've already tried everything to fix it. I'm so sorry for your illness. It isn't purgatory. It is literal hell.

Appreciate you sharing your feelings and fears with me… it is indeed a living hell: being forced to live with a broken brain without the means to die. I hope we find peace one day

 

[Lifeless Star]

I have BPD too and my life is a complete mess that I know isn't going to get any better. I know it's only going to get worse too since financial issues are catching up to me and there's nothing I can do about it. Regardless of that it's not like I'm enjoying life in the first place. Can barely find the motivation or focus to do the few things that I use to escape and find a bit of enjoyment. I haven't wanted to live for a very long time and I've tried to cbt more than a few times over the years but never succeeded. I always seem to mess something up. I feel so much anxiety about it that I always freeze up and just can't do stuff like order SN even if I had the money for it lol, or find the carotid tho I've tried to find it before and couldn't. The only times I can get to the point of an attempt is usually more impulsive and those aren't really planned or well thought through which is probs why I've always failed. I'm terrified of having to keep living. It really is like being in purgatory. Like this limbo between wanting to be gone so badly on top of it being the only real solution to my life, and seemingly not being able to succeed at that. It makes me feel so trapped.

 

[justwannadip]

I had a BPD-fueled emotional evening and this is one thing on my mind I can't tell anyone in my life about.

I know my life isn't going to get better as my fucked up, senseless, mentally ill, inconsistent brain can't get me to commit to recovery.

Death seems the only way out. I do want to die, I think about it all day, every day. But it's a scary thought, the pain of ending my life and traumatizing my family.

I'm scared I can't get myself to carry out the necessary steps. It's not an easy thing to do. I can't find the carotid artery for partial hanging, can't find an anchor point for full suspension, and can't exactly afford DMC's SN especially with the new added fee of his new unconventional payment.

The main point is I'm scared that I can't get myself to kill myself, even though it's what I want most. Anxiety and low energy is a bitch. But the idea of staying alive scares me just as much. I feel I'm in purgatory.

Thanks for reading my vent. Anyone else scared that they'll have to go on living for the foreseeable future?

You encapsulated my feelings perfectly. I've talked about this on some of my previous posts. I hope you find peace somehow

 

[lnlybnny]

I feel you, especially when you talk about lack of energy and anxiety. In my case I can buy SN whenever I want but have no energy even for that. As much as I want and need to get out there's still some things that wire me here that I need to cut off. I need to gather courage asap though

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm sorry for your suffering. I also want to die but I'm currently unable to do so unfortunately so I'm hoping that I die naturally soon enough. As for the future... fuck, I'm terrified of my future. Avoiding my future is one reason why I want to ctb in the first place. I suspect that I may have to go homeless in the future as I'm unable to deal with life's demands and obligations and I don't have the right familial support for me to be a neet. My family expects me to work soon but I know that I don't have the cognitive capabilities for me to hold a job nor do I have any motivation to since I don't want to work. I told my mum that life is too challenging for me but it was pointless to tell her that as all I got in return were bullshit religious answers like how I can't go against god's design or how life is a test or how god has made humans to go through hardship and struggles.

I am immensely scared of my future and I want to be dead now but unfortunately I don't have a way in which I can die meaning that I'm forced to suffer in existence. I hate at how all of this could have been easily prevented had society allowed us to get access to euthanasia but, no, of course they won't as those bustards want us to suffer