Scared about life and about suicide, but ctb unavoidable

[noname223]

I panic all day long about poverty. I barely can think about anything else than my inability to earn money. And that my future prospects are terrible. Working makes my illness way worse. I have read a lot about welfare i cannot handle this shit. Working a 30 hour job will never be possible i am 98% sure.
I have to weigh up. I don't really want to die. If I had other opportunities i would take them instead. But dealing with poverty for the rest of my life will kill me. I am pretty sure. It is quite a burden to know that. That I cannot avoid it. Commiting suicide feels horrible, I've already tried a little bit partial hanging and suicide feels very horrible. But still life can feel way worse. I am not pro death, even though I am a little bit too obsessed with suicidal thoughts. Without the help of my parents i will lose everything.
In the end it is an evaluation of what is worse. It is a decision between pain and even more pain. I wish I would have never been born.

 

[gus.nixon]

I hear you loud and clear. Some people just seem to get it and everything goes their way. For some of us, not so lucky to say the least.

 

[WornOutLife]

Commiting suicide feels horrible,

I feel the same! I just can't do it.
I'm really scared of life and my future too. You say working is impossible for you but have you considered all the possibilities? For example, I hate working but when I teach, I like it so much that I don't feel as if I were working.

Some people love translating documents, making youtube videos such as tutorials, uploading software with ads links so that they can get a few bucks per download, typing captchas, completing surveys, giving flyers around, etc. There are so many possibilities!

However, I understand what you mean. Not having your parents' support will certainly be hell unless you do something about it.

What about the government? I bet there's some benefit for unemployed and "mentally ill" people. I'm not saying you're mad but you could use depression as an excuse.

 

[noname223]

We are kind of similar. I've tried teaching to for like 3 hours a week. And to this point it was the best work i know. How many hours per week do you teach? I've started to do youtube videos about half a year ago. I think it turned me slightly manic. But it was kind of fun but dangerous (mania).
However after that i've tried another way to earn money. Job interviews all failed. This increases my anxiety.
I live in Germany. We have benefit for unemployed but many people describe it as financial hell. Combined with another severe depression i see no hope for me.
You are bipolar too. Just to know that another severe depression will come is horrible. I've felt severe psycho-somatic pain. I never want to feel that way again.

 

[bad luck]

I too am afraid of poverty. I've been around her several times. I always gave alms because homeless people cause me great sadness.