Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
Good afternoon y'all.. it's like 12pm rn. Yesterday I ate pizza & again regret it. I needa keep myself on a better... track? But ig this time it didn't fuck with my sleep or anything so that's not too bad. Today I'm not doing anything but sleeping. And being able to sleep all day is going really well.
I think I've settled for my method & having a back up / 2 options. So drug combo & SN.
I realized something about myself, that just bc I'm resting doesn't mean im not thinking. It actually means usually that while my brain is resting its still thinking. Plus the rest and such makes it a lot easier to like think.
Today I saw a note on my fridge as I was refilling my water filter that said "filter put in July change in 3 months." I thought to myself "oh 3 months is October" " well I won't be alive by then anyway"
Im truly done with life. Not much other thoughts tbh. Just gonna go back to sleep now
which sucks plus my brain is more active bc I'm like calmer or whatever. ..
I started to feel hungry earlier bc my stupid ass self decided to eat for 2 days in a row.... but I refuse to eat so I've decided for whatever reason to day drink. Tbh if ima be awake & starving then rather be drunk than sober. I'm aware I'm not doing healthy coping anymore. If I were to reach out to anyone I would express this and my worry about it buttttt I'm not reaching out anymore which is why I'm not responding to anyone anymore.
My brother has been trying to contact me for this whole fucking week and using private number bc I blocked him and other numbers but I have not even sent a text. He knows I'm still alive via me asking my Dad for money and him sending some like yesterday (?) My Dad sent more than usual probs due to his guilt over what he said Monday. Which honestly still? Fuck him. Its a continuous cycle. He does something like this. I reach out eventually. He apologizes then does it again. Fuck him. I don't ever want to hear insensitive shit like that again. My friend was right when she said that they are insensitive and abusive. I didn't even say wtf he said this time but I've shared enough that she knows. Its validating but its sad...
Why am I blocking my brother? Bc I realized he's the fucking same... both him and my Dad have not once acknowledged that all of this/all the health issues is alot. My brother kinda did after having my worker give him a walk through of how to be compassionate towards me. Like why does it take me fighting them and my worker like having to advocate for them to care for me half ass properly!?
Fuck its just sad. Like I deserve better fr. Bc aside from me being a deserving human being(this took a long time to feel comfortable saying) like I don't treat them like they treat me...
So I'm done. I'm not answering. he knows im alive and there's nothing to fucking talk about anymore bc I won't be for much longer.
Anyway I drank 1 drink. I bought like wine coolers basically. They are my favs. I'm craving Chicago style deep dish pizza. There is this place that sells em and they have really great boneless bites too... but ik ima be upset at myself if I give in to these cravings. So I won't. I really can't rn. I'm gonna be annoyed. Im gonna feel grossed out. Im gonna just not be happy but the desire to binge is strong.
Ugh I always struggled to like actively have an eating disorder. When I was younger I couldn't force myself to puke with my fingers or stomach. Had to use a round about way. Then with the starving it didn't happen until I didn't have money or access to food while living with my Dad for the first time.
All this to say this is why I have a mix of 2-3 eating disorders (Binge eating, anorexia, bulimia) but the bulimia aspect was eliminated once I started ADHD meds so I'm just left with binge eating & anorexic tendencies.
So frustrating... I almost don't trust myself in ordering a deep dish pizza smh. I won't!!! Do it!! Urgh.
Anyway I'm awake unfortunately. Gonna drink more and read some kindle books. All I can think of is food though
Sighhss yee this is a 2 hrs laster update. The pizza would last me a few days like speaking of left overs so it's kinda worth it but no!! I will not allow myself to. This internal struggle is real. But for whatever reason in all this stupid eating disorder struggle I will not falter today. I hate the regret of eating in this state. It's worse than the feeling of my stomach being full & the self disappointment.
Anyway. I'm just gonna go drink more and read. Hopefully sleep soon. I take my meds every 6 hrs and it's 30 mins to 3pm so maybe the meds will help settle my mind & allow me to sleep more we shall see.
Haaaa even in my last fucking days I'm living within the torture of my god damn health issues.
god the sooner I can CTB the better.
I think I've settled for my method & having a back up / 2 options. So drug combo & SN.
I realized something about myself, that just bc I'm resting doesn't mean im not thinking. It actually means usually that while my brain is resting its still thinking. Plus the rest and such makes it a lot easier to like think.
Today I saw a note on my fridge as I was refilling my water filter that said "filter put in July change in 3 months." I thought to myself "oh 3 months is October" " well I won't be alive by then anyway"
Im truly done with life. Not much other thoughts tbh. Just gonna go back to sleep now
Soo for whatever reason... probs bc it's been a good like 5(?) Days since I took my ADHD meds so the initial like hypersomnia withdrawal is wearing off
which sucks plus my brain is more active bc I'm like calmer or whatever. ..I started to feel hungry earlier bc my stupid ass self decided to eat for 2 days in a row.... but I refuse to eat so I've decided for whatever reason to day drink. Tbh if ima be awake & starving then rather be drunk than sober. I'm aware I'm not doing healthy coping anymore. If I were to reach out to anyone I would express this and my worry about it buttttt I'm not reaching out anymore which is why I'm not responding to anyone anymore.
My brother has been trying to contact me for this whole fucking week and using private number bc I blocked him and other numbers but I have not even sent a text. He knows I'm still alive via me asking my Dad for money and him sending some like yesterday (?) My Dad sent more than usual probs due to his guilt over what he said Monday. Which honestly still? Fuck him. Its a continuous cycle. He does something like this. I reach out eventually. He apologizes then does it again. Fuck him. I don't ever want to hear insensitive shit like that again. My friend was right when she said that they are insensitive and abusive. I didn't even say wtf he said this time but I've shared enough that she knows. Its validating but its sad...
Why am I blocking my brother? Bc I realized he's the fucking same... both him and my Dad have not once acknowledged that all of this/all the health issues is alot. My brother kinda did after having my worker give him a walk through of how to be compassionate towards me. Like why does it take me fighting them and my worker like having to advocate for them to care for me half ass properly!?
Fuck its just sad. Like I deserve better fr. Bc aside from me being a deserving human being(this took a long time to feel comfortable saying) like I don't treat them like they treat me...
So I'm done. I'm not answering. he knows im alive and there's nothing to fucking talk about anymore bc I won't be for much longer.
Anyway I drank 1 drink. I bought like wine coolers basically. They are my favs. I'm craving Chicago style deep dish pizza. There is this place that sells em and they have really great boneless bites too... but ik ima be upset at myself if I give in to these cravings. So I won't. I really can't rn. I'm gonna be annoyed. Im gonna feel grossed out. Im gonna just not be happy but the desire to binge is strong.
Ugh I always struggled to like actively have an eating disorder. When I was younger I couldn't force myself to puke with my fingers or stomach. Had to use a round about way. Then with the starving it didn't happen until I didn't have money or access to food while living with my Dad for the first time.
All this to say this is why I have a mix of 2-3 eating disorders (Binge eating, anorexia, bulimia) but the bulimia aspect was eliminated once I started ADHD meds so I'm just left with binge eating & anorexic tendencies.
So frustrating... I almost don't trust myself in ordering a deep dish pizza smh. I won't!!! Do it!! Urgh.
Anyway I'm awake unfortunately. Gonna drink more and read some kindle books. All I can think of is food though
Sighhss yee this is a 2 hrs laster update. The pizza would last me a few days like speaking of left overs so it's kinda worth it but no!! I will not allow myself to. This internal struggle is real. But for whatever reason in all this stupid eating disorder struggle I will not falter today. I hate the regret of eating in this state. It's worse than the feeling of my stomach being full & the self disappointment.
Anyway. I'm just gonna go drink more and read. Hopefully sleep soon. I take my meds every 6 hrs and it's 30 mins to 3pm so maybe the meds will help settle my mind & allow me to sleep more we shall see.
Haaaa even in my last fucking days I'm living within the torture of my god damn health issues.
god the sooner I can CTB the better.
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