Venting SaSu is killing me.

[Holu]

Hallo.

I've said it before on posts and to some people, but I need to get this off my chest. There have been a lot, and I mean an abnormal amount of goodbye threads in the past week. I'm not a long term member, but I had lurked before I was an adult, and this at least feels like the most death I've seen. It's definitely getting to me.

I'm not a stranger to death. I've lost two people who I cared deeply about, and those deaths still make me sick to my stomach, even if I know they're better. It's not something easy to handle, and bitter rage and pained feeling in my chest never differs whenever I think about them. But it has rarely happened for SaSu.

For me at least, coming to a suicide forum, I knew there was gonna be death. I knew there would be people, many who were beyond saving and needed the kindness. I had lurked for a while, especially before I was 18, but actually talking to people on this forum, especially those who were going has given me the most positive outlook on death that I've ever had. Goodbye threads, despite how sad it might seem, actually served as an almost happy area, where there was so much love for someone you knew would or wasn't suffering anymore.

Even for deaths with people I was familiar with didn't really hit me. Huntfish's death was the most impactful to me, as it honestly felt like it came out of the blue. I remember feeling so incredibly bitter at the world. But even still, I was happy for him.

But this feeling has not been there for the last few deaths. I found Octavia's post sometime after a few others goodbye posts. That single post absolutely destroyed me. I tried to feel happy, tried to tell myself they are at peace now, but I struggled and am still struggling to. Then Kikoo died, and I really didn't know what to think. There were many deaths around these, but these were two people who were constantly there to cheer others up. Both were much more focused on other people, choosing to help others instead of them. Both kept a part of the many forums and general chat much more positive and lively. Now it feels so quiet, so empty.

And yet there are still so many posts, and with each response to them, it's slowly killing me more. It's so utterly confusing because I'm trying my best to be happy for them, and I genuinely am happy for them, but it hurts.

It doesn't help that there are more to come. Midnight, endsjustifies, and ribbons are the three my mind is trying to prepare myself for. People who I've had convos with, who I've been able to relate to, who have shown me such degrees of intelligence and kindness. What a loss, even if it's for their best.

I guess I'm just losing it. Maybe I need a break. Idk. It's hard to hurt for someone you can truly relate to. This world is so cold, so lonely, and so fake. Seeing the only real people all die in such concentration is soul shattering.

Maybe it will numb out. Maybe it will get better. Hopefully new people come soon.

Rest in peace to every SaSu soldier who has passed. Thank you for your time here, thank you for making me feel less alone. I miss you all, but I'm happy for you. Hopefully I'll be able to join you guys soon. <3
Oh, and rest in peace Brendan and Jenna. I miss you two so very much <3

 

[TheMetalHead]

Your choosing of words is a pure beauty, I've been lurking here for a while before I joined, but some deaths truly hit the depths of my heart. When Kikoo made her post, something broke inside me. It never gets easier.

May we be at peace at last.

 

[Holu]

Your choosing of words is a pure beauty, I've been lurking here for a while before I joined, but some deaths truly hit the depths of my heart. When Kikoo made her post, something broke inside me. It never gets easier.

May we be at peace at last.

Rest in peace Kikoo <3

In a better place but so very very missed

 

[pinkribbonscars]

I feel so sorry to leave you. You've been a dear friend.

I agree this place is depressing, I have to be suicidal to post here, hence why I don't have many posts in the span of two years.

Do whatever you need to recover. Hanging around suicidal people can be draining, but I'm still glad you've been so supportive to us even if it hurts your soul

 

[Holu]

I feel so sorry to leave you. You've been a dear friend.

I agree this place is depressing, I have to be suicidal to post here, hence why I don't have many posts in the span of two years.

Do whatever you need to recover. Hanging around suicidal people can be draining, but I'm still glad you've been so supportive to us even if it hurts your soul

Don't be sorry :(. You are doing the actual best thing. I hate feeling stuck here, but I would hate it more than anything to do the same to another.

When the time comes I'll be so very happy for you. I promise.

I just learned Ends has passed. Another soul who will be missed.

 

[MrDarkness]

This is the reason I might honestly not post one, as ik I'll cause extreme pain, I've met a lot of kind people on here and made friends, but don't want them to assume I ditched them, I just wanna leave so badly

 

[Holu]

This is the reason I might honestly not post one, as ik I'll cause extreme pain, I've met a lot of kind people on here and made friends, but don't want them to assume I ditched them, I just wanna leave so badly

Noooooo no guilt bad. It's okay, we can live with it. Do whatever you feel is best for you <3

 

[MrDarkness]

Noooooo no guilt bad. It's okay, we can live with it. Do whatever you feel is best for you <3

Sadly death is something someone can never forget, it will be endless pain, I wish I could rot away alone, so I don't have give others this curse

 

[imissmykitten]

A few days ago, someone on the forum that I cared about made a goodbye thread. I saw it too late, too, so I didn't even say goodbye. It was painful for me to see a goodbye thread with his username crossed out underneath.

I know that often, it is the only option and at least they are at peace now. But it does hurt. I also noticed there was a lot of these threads lately, but I've only been on there since months, so I don't know how it compares to before that.

I like this forum - it's a good non judgemental place, and this place is more comforting and helpful than any other mental health related places I've seen, and at least these people aren't suffering anymore, but it does hurts to see these threads

 

[Holu]

Sadly death is something someone can never forget, it will be endless pain, I wish I could rot away alone, so I don't have give others this curse

I know :(. We spread some of our suffering when we go. But, this isn't something that's easy to avoid. Do what you feel is best, after all it's your death.

A few days ago, someone on the forum that I cared about made a goodbye thread. I saw it too late, too, so I didn't even say goodbye. It was painful for me to see a goodbye thread with his username crossed out underneath.

I know that often, it is the only option and at least they are at peace now. But it does hurt. I also noticed there was a lot of these threads lately, but I've only been on there since months, so I don't know how it compares to before that.

I like this forum - it's a good non judgemental place, and this place is more comforting and helpful than any other mental health related places I've seen, and at least these people aren't suffering anymore, but it does hurts to see these threads

Rest in peace to your friend <3

And yes, I've talked to people who have been here for years. This is a lot more deaths than usual.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Your post does point toward your needing a break. Of course I am not going to tell you what to do. But it sounds like it has taken a big toll on you and maybe you could use the break to reflect and regroup your emotional energies.

 

[SVEN]

Whilst I totally get what you say and feel, Holu, those who have moved on felt just as you feel when you say " Hopefully I'll be able to join you guys soon".
They have reached your and their goal, if this is too painfull for you to carry maybe you do need to step back and have a break.
Whatever you do, please do be kind to yourself and don't add to the burden of pain and distress life makes us all bear.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Death is inevitable whether it's CTB or naturally. Some of the deaths are really heartbreaking but we know they are free of their personal suffering now.I envy those who CTBed already setting themselves free from all their agony and suffering in this world. They are at peace.

 

[AllFoxedOut]

I really miss my best friend. I feel guilty for wanting her back. she wanted her peace, had the chance to take it and did. I try to be happy for her but I'm sad for myself.

it might be best to take a step back from SaSu. or put some boundaries up so you don't get too attached to others here. the nature of this community is transient, people CTB or they outgrow the need for this community.

I hope you feel better soon.

 

[MeltingBrain]

While forming friendships here, one has to keep in mind that they might leave the site or leave the world, either way heartache will inevitably follow .
Sorry for your loss . Sending you a lot of strength .

 

[Lost Magic]

I won't allow myself to form bonds or attachments to anyone here, because (as you have recognized) it is too painful. However, when I was new to the site I did shed a few tears at the goodbye threads. So many beautiful souls who just succumbed to their breaking points is truly heartbreaking. The thing that keeps me strong is knowing that those lovely people who have passed are now at peace, and that's the main thing.

 

[SexyIncél]

Yeah, I've lost some SaSu people I really cared about & personally knew

There's a couple things though... for me, it's little different to me than walking outside & seeing everyone's lives involuntarily wasted. They're incrementally dying. All the time. I see it. I ask people's life stories, so I'm not just guessing

Everytime I go to the store, I see people's lives reduced to sitting at the end of a conveyor belt — for HOURS. Among civilized people, this is an atrocity; they're horrified at the utter waste of humanity

Even the lives of my rich friends strike me as grim. They have no real imaginations. Everyone just fights each other to help them, begging for some of their social credits

After my sasu friends die, I tell irl friends their stories. They didn't just die. Others (aka society) killed them. Every weekend, I see partyers pass by beggars

 

[Unattainable666]

I have been feeling the same way lately. Thought it was me who noticed how many more beautiful souls had gone on. It makes me so angry that it's always the people who have hearts and souls who leave early - its the assholes who seem to survive You are not alone in your thoughts - I'm with you

 

[noname223]

Hallo.

I've said it before on posts and to some people, but I need to get this off my chest. There have been a lot, and I mean an abnormal amount of goodbye threads in the past week. I'm not a long term member, but I had lurked before I was an adult, and this at least feels like the most death I've seen. It's definitely getting to me.

I'm not a stranger to death. I've lost two people who I cared deeply about, and those deaths still make me sick to my stomach, even if I know they're better. It's not something easy to handle, and bitter rage and pained feeling in my chest never differs whenever I think about them. But it has rarely happened for SaSu.

For me at least, coming to a suicide forum, I knew there was gonna be death. I knew there would be people, many who were beyond saving and needed the kindness. I had lurked for a while, especially before I was 18, but actually talking to people on this forum, especially those who were going has given me the most positive outlook on death that I've ever had. Goodbye threads, despite how sad it might seem, actually served as an almost happy area, where there was so much love for someone you knew would or wasn't suffering anymore.

Even for deaths with people I was familiar with didn't really hit me. Huntfish's death was the most impactful to me, as it honestly felt like it came out of the blue. I remember feeling so incredibly bitter at the world. But even still, I was happy for him.

But this feeling has not been there for the last few deaths. I found Octavia's post sometime after a few others goodbye posts. That single post absolutely destroyed me. I tried to feel happy, tried to tell myself they are at peace now, but I struggled and am still struggling to. Then Kikoo died, and I really didn't know what to think. There were many deaths around these, but these were two people who were constantly there to cheer others up. Both were much more focused on other people, choosing to help others instead of them. Both kept a part of the many forums and general chat much more positive and lively. Now it feels so quiet, so empty.

And yet there are still so many posts, and with each response to them, it's slowly killing me more. It's so utterly confusing because I'm trying my best to be happy for them, and I genuinely am happy for them, but it hurts.

It doesn't help that there are more to come. Midnight, endsjustifies, and ribbons are the three my mind is trying to prepare myself for. People who I've had convos with, who I've been able to relate to, who have shown me such degrees of intelligence and kindness. What a loss, even if it's for their best.

I guess I'm just losing it. Maybe I need a break. Idk. It's hard to hurt for someone you can truly relate to. This world is so cold, so lonely, and so fake. Seeing the only real people all die in such concentration is soul shattering.

Maybe it will numb out. Maybe it will get better. Hopefully new people come soon.

Rest in peace to every SaSu soldier who has passed. Thank you for your time here, thank you for making me feel less alone. I miss you all, but I'm happy for you. Hopefully I'll be able to join you guys soon. <3
Oh, and rest in peace Brendan and Jenna. I miss you two so very much <3

I can relate to that. I always try to keep a certain distance to members here because in the end it is still a suicide forum. There were 3 suicides which deeply affected me. I am still thinking of a certain member almost every single day. It is hard to cope with. These people were determined weighted the pros and cons and it was not an impulsive act. I ruminate about these people a lot.

Personally I tell me one day I will be in the same situation and will experience this on my own. Something that comforts me. At least did the people had a voice. At least they have been giving the chance to tell the world their pain, the cruelty and the unfairness they had to endure. I hope by remembering these people I pay some respect to them. Though over the time so many passed away that it can be easily overwhelming. I usually avoid to post in or read goodbye threads because they are too painful for me. I don't think any words of mine would be appropriate to capture the brutality they had to endure.

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

I understand being heartbroken when the helpful people go. To try and be the most supportive towards others always comes at a personal cost. A lot of the time it's to try and cope with your own demons. The thought of "I can't fix my problems so maybe I should just help someone else" just to still have some reason to go on. There seem to be several goodbye threads a day and it's bittersweet. Sad to seem them go, but happy that they are going to be released from this hell.

It's heartbreaking that we have to seek solace from strangers on the internet instead of people we've known forever. Unfortunately the strangers here are more accepting than the people in our everyday lives. You become friends and form attachments to people you'll never meet in person. Yet they're there for you and understand you better than anyone else. Like another cruel joke life plays on us.

 

[Holu]

Your post does point toward your needing a break. Of course I am not going to tell you what to do. But it sounds like it has taken a big toll on you and maybe you could use the break to reflect and regroup your emotional energies.

Whilst I totally get what you say and feel, Holu, those who have moved on felt just as you feel when you say " Hopefully I'll be able to join you guys soon".
They have reached your and their goal, if this is too painfull for you to carry maybe you do need to step back and have a break.
Whatever you do, please do be kind to yourself and don't add to the burden of pain and distress life makes us all bear.

Death is inevitable whether it's CTB or naturally. Some of the deaths are really heartbreaking but we know they are free of their personal suffering now.I envy those who CTBed already setting themselves free from all their agony and suffering in this world. They are at peace.

I really miss my best friend. I feel guilty for wanting her back. she wanted her peace, had the chance to take it and did. I try to be happy for her but I'm sad for myself.

it might be best to take a step back from SaSu. or put some boundaries up so you don't get too attached to others here. the nature of this community is transient, people CTB or they outgrow the need for this community.

I hope you feel better soon.

While forming friendships here, one has to keep in mind that they might leave the site or leave the world, either way heartache will inevitably follow .
Sorry for your loss . Sending you a lot of strength .

I understand being heartbroken when the helpful people go. To try and be the most supportive towards others always comes at a personal cost. A lot of the time it's to try and cope with your own demons. The thought of "I can't fix my problems so maybe I should just help someone else" just to still have some reason to go on. There seem to be several goodbye threads a day and it's bittersweet. Sad to seem them go, but happy that they are going to be released from this hell.

It's heartbreaking that we have to seek solace from strangers on the internet instead of people we've known forever. Unfortunately the strangers here are more accepting than the people in our everyday lives. You become friends and form attachments to people you'll never meet in person. Yet they're there for you and understand you better than anyone else. Like another cruel joke life plays on us.

Thank you all <3. A break might be necessary, and I appreciate your guys' input more than you could possibly know. I am and will always be cautious of attachments, especially on sites like these. Doesn't make it feel any less empty to no longer see their posts, chats, and personalities.

I know my problem is that I tend to over fixate when I respond to people. I do multiple responses, and sometimes it gets taken to DM's depending on person. Def not a great habit if I'm trying to avoid possible bonds, but at the same time it genuinely makes me happy if I can help ease pain and spread a small amount of joy. I probably won't be changing how I do things, but I'll try to learn to disassociate, if only a little bit.

I won't allow myself to form bonds or attachments to anyone here, because (as you have recognized) it is too painful. However, when I was new to the site I did shed a few tears at the goodbye threads. So many beautiful souls who just succumbed to their breaking points is truly heartbreaking. The thing that keeps me strong is knowing that those lovely people who have passed are now at peace, and that's the main thing.

Thank you so muchhh. I just want to say I always have appreciated you and you're posts. You have a beautiful soul.
You are incredibly strong, and the fact that you have lasted here so long, I cannot imagine the amount of loss you have experienced. I'm kinda scared, since at the moment, I'm medicated enough that I'm not as manic, and I won't be going anytime soon since I'm afraid of what happens to my mom if I CTB. I'll do my best to try and learn how to better cope with my feelings. Thank you <3.

Yeah, I've lost some SaSu people I really cared about & personally knew

There's a couple things though... for me, it's little different to me than walking outside & seeing everyone's lives involuntarily wasted. They're incrementally dying. All the time. I see it. I ask people's life stories, so I'm not just guessing

Everytime I go to the store, I see people's lives reduced to sitting at the end of a conveyor belt — for HOURS. Among civilized people, this is an atrocity; they're horrified at the utter waste of humanity

Even the lives of my rich friends strike me as grim. They have no real imaginations. Everyone just fights each other to help them, begging for some of their social credits

After my sasu friends die, I tell irl friends their stories. They didn't just die. Others (aka society) killed them. Every weekend, I see partyers pass by beggars

I'm so sorry for your losses :(. Thank you so much for your response, and I'm grateful to have had so many such as you reply to me. It's making me feel less like this page is empty seeing wonderful people such as yourself.

Not wasted in terms of how they could have been if they were still here. Wasted in that the hand of fate put the best and kindest people into a world of hurt. The prolife majority doesn't have half of the spirit, compassion, and tenderness of the people in this forum. It's funny how such suffering can bring such purity into someone. Rest in peace to all of the SaSu soldiers, and to those you have lost.

I have been feeling the same way lately. Thought it was me who noticed how many more beautiful souls had gone on. It makes me so angry that it's always the people who have hearts and souls who leave early - its the assholes who seem to survive You are not alone in your thoughts - I'm with you

Us and many others. After a couple discussions with some others, I decided to make a post on this to both express myself in greater detail but to also see how the majority of SaSu felt. Despite all the curses, I'm so blessed to know how altruistic the people of SaSu are. Thank you, and thank everyone for your compassion <3.

I can relate to that. I always try to keep a certain distance to members here because in the end it is still a suicide forum. There were 3 suicides which deeply affected me. I am still thinking of a certain member almost every single day. It is hard to cope with. These people were determined weighted the pros and cons and it was not an impulsive act. I ruminate about these people a lot.

Personally I tell me one day I will be in the same situation and will experience this on my own. Something that comforts me. At least did the people had a voice. At least they have been giving the chance to tell the world their pain, the cruelty and the unfairness they had to endure. I hope by remembering these people I pay some respect to them. Though over the time so many passed away that it can be easily overwhelming. I usually avoid to post in or read goodbye threads because they are too painful for me. I don't think any words of mine would be appropriate to capture the brutality they had to endure.

Always a pleasure to see your name(kinda funny since it's literally noname). You are a long member, and I can only imagine that despite how vigilant you are of relations, it's difficult after so much time has passed. I'm really, sorry about those that you have lost, and I'm so grateful that so many others such as you feel the same way. It's a weird feeling, being both happy and sad. I guess it's the price to pay for those left alive. But you are right, eventually we will join them in peace. Oh for that day to come. Rest in peace to the 3 friends(and I'm sure many more) friends you have lost. Rest in peace to all SaSu members.



Thank you all so fucking much, you can't imagine how much it means to me. Thank you to those who are soon to pass for treating this with such kindness. Know that we are happy for you, and we will celebrate your passing, even if somberly. Let your pain finally cease. To those still here, thank you for this community, as is and always will be the final safehaven of the forsaken, and I can't imagine anywhere else being so accepting. Rest in peace to all our dead, and go with peace to those soon to go. I love you all so very muchh.

 

[GettingOut]

I guess I'm just losing it. Maybe I need a break. Idk. It's hard to hurt for someone you can truly relate to. This world is so cold, so lonely, and so fake. Seeing the only real people all die in such concentration is soul shattering.

When you realise the hard facts of where cute cats and dogs at a shelter go that do not get to enjoy a happy future, it can be heart-breaking. Does it mean that people should stop supporting such a shelter? No. Should the shelter be closed? Of course not! It has helped many others to find peace in an imperfect world.

Far from being the best analogy, it describes how I view this forum. I'm also not a fan of goodbye threads, but they serve a specific purpose. Complaining about them doesn't invalidate them. Your wording and the replies you've received and given, have revealed this as you own goodbye thread.

You have accomplished nothing by your post apart from proving to yourself that you don't have the emotional makeup to deal with this reality at this point in your life. I wish you peace and a full recovery.

Many find SaSu to be a safe haven from the abuse, prejudice and misunderstanding that this world throws at us. Do what is best for yourself, and allow those of us who want to be here, to continue to comfort and console one another.

 

[SexyIncél]

You have accomplished nothing by your post apart from proving to yourself that you don't have the emotional makeup to deal with this reality at this point in your life. I wish you peace and a full recovery.

I guess the question becomes: how to change one's emotional makeup to deal with it?

We could start by reframing things? Drop certain callouses & recover some sensitivity? Be MORE alienated from the weird-ass madhouse world we find ourselves in?

• we're used to suffering, but not to suicide: otherwise you'd feel worse about the suffering — people ctb to suffer LESS
• we're used to "natural death", but not to suicide: otherwise you'd maybe push for immortality research, so death is truly pro-choice

Then in a goodbye thread, we'd be like "Well, that's a step up!"

Maybe it kinda helped that I was all about to die, till something weird happened. (Did I actually ctb in my timeline, but my consciousness got merged into a timeline where I'm still alive?) So I'm like, "If you think death is bad, you should see the suffering that led to it!"

I mean, the part that sucks is the realization: "Shit. This is tragic, in the sense that my story's ending in utter fail. All possibilities are collapsing to zero. Here I am, across the world in a god-ugly city I've never been, and it'll end here"

But back to the topic... when someone I know ctb's, I guess I note my failure to fix suffering. I guess that's why it's absurd for some youtubers, propagandists & abusive families to scapegoat SaSu. Rather than take responsibility for the suffering of people around them

 

[Holu]

Farewell ribbons. Another forsaken soul finally out to peace. ILY RIP 4E

 

[Aloneisbestforme]

I honestly kinda felt like this for a bit.

I think it's one of the small reasons why I haven't been using this site much lately besides lack of energy. ever since kikoo's last post I didn't feel well.

I didn't even know who she really was but she seemed really lovely and seeing other's being affected hurt me a little. same goes with other users I have seen that posted goodbye threads.

I 100% understand why they did it and I think everyone should have a way out no matter the reason if it's small or extreme suffering but damn it just hurts and I wish the world wasn't like this.

Rest in peace to all of them

 

[Holu]

I honestly kinda felt like this for a bit.

I think it's one of the small reasons why I haven't been using this site much lately besides lack of energy. ever since kikoo's last post I didn't feel well.

I didn't even know who she really was but she seemed really lovely and seeing other's being affected hurt me a little. same goes with other users I have seen that posted goodbye threads.

I 100% understand why they did it and I think everyone should have a way out no matter the reason if it's small or extreme suffering but damn it just hurts and I wish the world wasn't like this.

Rest in peace to all of them

Kikoo and Octavia were the main two reasons i initially made this, since their back to back deaths were shocking. Ik people in this forum are rather ephemeral, but some deaths you still don't expect. Both were really kinda souls, who responded with love and care despite the harshness of their realities.

Kinda hurts now even more tho. Of the three people I fixated on who had wrote soon to die posts, two are dead. I miss ends and ribbons already.

I haven't taken a break from this forum, despite all this. It's a bit rough, but thankfully I'm on summer break for college, so I can process without too much concern, if only for a little bit. Something very raw about this place which, though sad, gives me a familial comfort.

Anyhow, thank you very much for sharing your perspective. I'm sorry to hear about your grief. For me, the happiness I feel for their passing is greater than the sorrow I feel from their absence. Maybe that sadness is still there, but it's comforting to know that they are finally at peace.

Rest in peace Kikoo, we miss you dearly <3. And rest in peace to every soul who fought so bravely through this inferno of a world. You did so well, and I'm so happy for you all.