Same Thing That Doomed Me Is Keeping Me Alive

[KafkaF]

I just realized the same thing that has largely been responsible for ruining my life is in large part responsible for me not being able to end it.

My parents were somewhat emotionally abusive and highly critical. They also had very high expectations. As a result I became a huge perfectionist and afraid to make mistakes.

My perfectionism ruined my college experience. It made me develop a huge fear of failing exams that caused me to have to drop out without a diploma due to stress and depression.

I also developed social anxiety cuz I was afraid of saying the wrong thing and not being good enough.

Finally, I developed body dysmorphia which made me feel like I have to be really attractive or I'm worthless.

Anyway, all of these mental health issues have essentially completely ruined my life (I'm thirty, unemployed, single, living at home, etc.) and are thus a major contributor to my depression.

At the same time though I've realized that one of the main reasons I haven't ended it yet is because I'm afraid it could be a mistake. I'm like 99% certain that it's the right thing but due to my perfectionism and fear of making mistakes I get stuck on that 1% chance it may be a mistake.

So I procrastinate on doing it despite the fact that I know it's the right decision for me.

So my perfectionism, self-doubt and perpetual fear of making mistakes has both ruined my life to the point where it is constant suffering but it also means I find it hard to end it.

I almost have to laugh out loud at this. Could there be a more awful irony?

 

[Abyssal]

Funny how that works, isn't it? My old therapist one said that the brain wants to survive, not make us happy or emotionally stable. Then there's shit like this where I have to wonder if the brain has any goal in mind. It's like it's built to make us suffer for shits and giggles.

Internal, hopefully relatable monologue aside, even in the midst of the hell create by our minds, very few of us can take the step onto the bus. Say what you will, the brain is good at survival, even if it's shit at everything else.

 

[nothingnobody]

hope is a disease

 

[KafkaF]

Funny how that works, isn't it? My old therapist one said that the brain wants to survive, not make us happy or emotionally stable. Then there's shit like this where I have to wonder if the brain has any goal in mind. It's like it's built to make us suffer for shits and giggles.

Internal, hopefully relatable monologue aside, even in the midst of the hell create by our minds, very few of us can take the step onto the bus. Say what you will, the brain is good at survival, even if it's shit at everything else.

I'd say the brain is a large mess of impulses that came about across billions of years by some increasing the chance of reproduction.

This mess of various impulses just works that way on average though. Evolution is all about a numbers game. The fact that it leads to dysfunction in individuals is not so important so long as it's beneficial for the group.

Plus experiences can lead our brains to develop better or worse too.

Something like a desire for sex is evolutionarily speaking a good thing cuz it motivates reproduction. Fear is also a useful emotion because it stops us getting killed. But a high libido together with an overactive fear emotion and an experience of learning to fear social interaction just causes sexual frustration and misery.

So it's really less that the brain is good at a specific thing. It's more that it's a huge mess of someyimes congruent and sometimes contradictory impulses which in large numbers are beneficial to reproduction on average mitigated by experience.

hope is a disease

I don't quite agree. I think it can be bad or can be good.

I know many people here feel life is fundamentally bad. I guess that makes sense considering the purpose of this forum. But I don't agree.

Some people really are in a terrible spot. Will continue to suffer. And suicide just prevents future suffering. And for them it makes sense.

Some people though really do just go through one or more rough patches and can get better or the good will still outweigh the bad by the end.

For the first group pointless hope can prolong suffeting but for the second group it's a good thing that can help them get through the hard times and to the other side to the good.

Which group we ourselves are in is always hard to be completely sure of cuz both people will tend to feel the same. But the point is that I don't think hope is inherently a disease. It can be good, it can be bad. It depends, imo.

 

[TransientEternal]

Suicide will be a mistake only if you fail. If successful, it's either you made the right choice or it's no longer your problem.

 

[Celerity]

I am your age and also suffered the many ill effects of perfectionism, though not nearly to the degree that you describe. It may not feel like it right at this moment, but has it improved at all for you over the years? I have found the intensity to decrease as I have gotten older.

 

[KafkaF]

Suicide will be a mistake only if you fail. If successful, it's either you made the right choice or it's no longer your problem.

I mean, yes, but no. You are right that I won't be able to care anymore if it was the wrong choice after I'm gone. But it could still be the wrong choice. If I legitimately would've gotten over my period of darkness and could've lived a happy life, then I would prefer to do that. And it would still be a mistake for me to throw that away even if I never knew about it.

At any rate, I might not be able to care once I'm dead, but I'm alive right now and I do care about it. And CTB is something you do while you're still alive, so how I'll feel when I'm dead is somewhat irrelevant.

I am your age and also suffered the many ill effects of perfectionism, though not nearly to the degree that you describe. It may not feel like it right at this moment, but has it improved at all for you over the years? I have found the intensity to decrease as I have gotten older.

No, for me it hasn't improved at all. The intensity hasn't decreased in the slightest. If anything it may have increased.

 

[mybodyisaprisoncell]

Literally the same person.