Sadness is eating me alive

[alexK]

I really don't know how to begin this post. I want to get this off my worn out chest. I feel defeated. I miserably failed at the most important things in life. I've lost friends, family and my cats. I thought I was keeping my dark thoughts at bay till I saw a post earlier about someone who said the reason they hadn't tried to ctb was their cat. And I literally burst out crying. Losing my cats is one of the main reasons I want to ctb. I miss them so much. I miss their fur their meows their smell their warmth and their cuddles. I let them down and abandoned them. Left them with someone who I thought would take better care of them than I. I know they were like prisoners in this shitty house so I'm hoping they found what they deserve. It just that at times like this I don't want anything more than to touch them, hug them and cry out all the pain and agony. Just wanna soak up their fur with my tears to let them know how much they mean to me. The idea that they might've felt confused by my sudden disappearance is eating at my soul. I feel so lonely. They made a big difference in my life. They were the best company I could ever ask for. Also, is it like super terrible to wish that a specific someone would get corona? I know I caught myself wishing my abusive brother had it?? Anyway, Just wanna say to all of you out there who have cats, cherish every moment you spend with them cus you never know when they're gonna suddenly leave your life. Thank you for reading this, I know it's all over the place but I'm literally shaking typing this cus I'm in so much pain... feeling slightly better after typing it all out tho so there's that's..

 

[Tiedie]

Hey Alex. My heart broke reading this post. If you know the person can you get them back? I'm sorry if that isn't an option, just trying to understand the situation. I don't think my cat minds my shitty house :)

 

[alexK]

Hey Alex. My heart broke reading this post. If you know the person can you get them back? I'm sorry if that isn't an option, just trying to understand the situation. I don't think my cat minds my shitty house :)

I don't know the woman personally but she's a loving caring cat lady. I can contact her but it's just too complicated to get them back right now cus I live with my mother and she's allergic to them and never really liked them anyway. Besides if things were to change and we got a bigger house and having them back was a possibility again, I guess the woman who has them got attached to them. she would probably just ignore me.. it's been almost a year now since she had them. She used to send me pics and videos of them but then I lost my old number and never heard from her since.

 

[Tiedie]

That's a terrible loss. My hope for you is that you get in a situation where you can know the love of a cat again. Its super awesome that you found them a cat lady. The loss of a pet due to sickness (mental or physical) is a major deal and can make recovery so much harder. I hope it gets easier.

 

[alexK]

Ye

That's a terrible loss. My hope for you is that you get in a situation where you can know the love of a cat again. Its super awesome that you found them a cat lady. The loss of a pet due to sickness (mental or physical) is a major deal and can make recovery so much harder. I hope it gets easier.

yeah.. My only solace really at this point is that the last memory I have of them is seeing them alive and healthy. Thank you so much. Hope you and your cat have a good day.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Also, is it like super terrible to wish that a specific someone would get corona? I know I caught myself wishing my abusive brother had it??

It's very human to wish harm on those who did harm.

Once someone intentionally harmed me in a pretty serious way. I fantasized revenge by exploiting a physical weakness I knew he had. I didn't do it, but it helped me to get back some power just knowing he could be hurt as well. It took away some of his power.

 

[alexK]

It's very human to wish harm on those who did harm.

Once someone intentionally harmed me in a pretty serious way. I fantasized revenge by exploiting a physical weakness I knew he had. I didn't do it, but it helped me to get back some power just knowing he could be hurt as well. It took away some of his power.

Wow never thought of it like that! It's actually a very justifiable way to make sense out of it all...