I'm back. The injuries failed.
To the earlier posts... no. I didn't cut. I literally accidentally fell and immediately blood shot out of my nose and in my throat. I was bleeding constantly for about 2 days. I suffered some sort of damage because ever since then my hands go randomly neuropathic and I have an angry blood vessel in my left eye that seems permanent, but no vision damage. Night before last I thought that this was it. My heart was beating very quickly and i thought it was going to be a heart attack, aneurysm, or stroke. However last night and today I feel absolutely normal. Which sent me back into misery.
So that's that. Now today, I have the perfect setup if I hypothetically were to CTB. I have option for partial, full (both not interested in), or 250 ft onto concrete, with complete security that even if someone knew and tried to stop me if I were to choose to do so they couldn't prevent it. I also found a free place that's about 80 feet onto rocky gravel, but the tiny chance you survive that would be total hell. No total closure, and the fact there's security around makes it nerve racking, though they couldnt stop you if you went with it. To be honest though, the chances of surviving I think anything above 70 feet is like surviving a gunshot wound.
To add on this subject, I've read reports of people jumping from a 6-7 storey parking garage and all of them CTB'ed. People say 250 feet into water is minimal for CTB but I disagree. There's a bridge here that I think averages 170-190 feet when they jump and I think only 1 survived and that's because he regretted it and did all the perfect positions for minimal impact and got rescued. It's really strange to me seeing people have such statistical caution about jumping and claiming extreme heights, but resort to methods like hanging that have a far higher % of failure / vegetation. The only plus I see in hanging is its usually more private and there isn't a chance you'll have an audience.
I've honestly never felt so happy in so long. I feel like I have a huge bottle of N in my drawer (honestly that would be preferable, SI would be 0 for me, I'd just get high on a small amount then once i was buzzed just up the ante). I've now giggling all day.
As I said in my other thread, my predictions came true. If the Ruskies start attacking today I will no longer have interest in CTB and instead just simply wait to get vaporized by the "enemy".
The other unfortunate thing is an elevator I was using was rickety and broke not long after I was in it and it got serviced. The people were saying the elevator was at risk for a potential break due to a lack of maintenance where I was at. With complete fakeness I said "oh that would be so terrible and scary!".
I feel like with all these recent experiences I am staring at deaths door.
Also to anyone who thinks about overdosing with kratom, forget about it. I downed about 25 grams and nearly a fifth of vodka and it didn't even slow my breathing, just made me pass out early. And I purposely killed my light tolerance to both.
The point of this post is I could hypothetically be dead in less than 15 seconds, or 5 minutes (uninterested) if I chose. And that feels so comforting. I think the first one is honestly more ideal because the chance of survival is 0 and there would be total closure that all of the problems and hell is over. All I'd have to do is fall back like I'm going to sleep on a cloud.
I've made up my mind that I hate partial, and full would be such an unpleasant way to go out. The reason being is your positioning is always awkward rather than laying down somewhere like a bed, the rope hurts your neck, and when you start to pass out your body involuntarily reacts with max SI to get out of it. I don't see how people succeed partial. Even though these are potential options if I resorted to CTB, I've concluded I have personally deleted this as a potential method.
PS Ever since I was younger and watch videos of jumping I'd always laugh. Not because I'm laughing at them, of course I strongly sympathize. But when you hear the bang sound, it's the sound of knowing all of their problems are erased for good. I really wish for all others that they never reach this point, but this world is getting much more awful it's pretty much inevitable at this point. The past 2 weeks I've been living life like a video game not giving a single fuck about any actions I do that affect me on a personal level because I know even if I don't CTB, this civilization is on its last leg and will crash. When it crashes I know that this system will torture a lot of people and that's going to be a far worse way to leave. And that's why I believe that's the true evil: when people harm others due to their problems, encouraging others to hurt themselves out of their own will, or trying to keep everyone alive for the sake of such despite them living a life of mental or physical torture and no one doing anything to improve it.
I hate this planet. But I wish its inhabitants well. I experienced everything I've wanted to experience. Relationships, work, sex, alcohol, drugs, music, friends, family, travel, education, philosophy, spirituality, whatever. It gets old after a while, and you add problems, disappointments, and stresses with that, you hate every day you wake up.
"Life is like a movie, if you sat through more than half of it and most of it sucked, no one should blame you for walking out early" - DS
