Venting Sad

[BlueLight03]

For the past 4 years I've had off and on suicidal thoughts and it just doesn't get better. I am starting to hate so much the saying "It gets better" because its such a fucking lie said by people who've probably never had these kinds of thoughts (Or at least not chronically).

Trying to ctb is both way too difficult and way too scary to pull off (and it doesn't help that I live in Canada). Trying to get help is also hopeless. I already tried therapy and I hated it (AND I AM NOT GOING ON MEDS.)

Talking to people is hopeless and killing myself isn't going to happen, so it's like I'm stuck in a miserable limbo of a life that's only going to get worse the older I get.
I would so much rather just find enough reason to enjoy life than ctb, and it makes me that much more miserable thinking about how I can't find enjoyment in life.

I sometimes wonder what could've been different for me to be happier, because it's not even like I have an outwardly tragic and shit life like I always see when looking at other suicidal people. I'm not poor, I'm not abused, and I don't have any socially acceptable reason to hate being here, I just do, and that makes it worse.

I'm convinced ill be forever alone in a declining and pointless life until I either end it myself or die of old age.


PS: Please never admit yourself to a hospital because of mental health. It's glorified prison. Doctors do not care about you, nor do therapists. They're just like everyone else with a job: doing it to get paid.

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly understand that it's so awful and tiring feeling trapped in this dreadful existence, I see it as being inhumane how suicide is purposely made so difficult for us, I hate how we exist in this world where there's a lack of acceptance towards the right to die. And I agree that places like mental hospitals sound best avoided, they sound like horrible prisons and it's true that therapy is just a way to profit from people's suffering.