Yeah, I also just wish people didn't have to choose to ctb, like I wish there was another way.. but I know it's kinda foolish thinking, as I mentioned, I don't see a future for myself as I just don't have the energy to try anymore. I suffered so much all my life, I was suicidal for almost 10 years now... If I was about to ctb and say my goodbies, there's nothing a random user could do to help me. So I know there is nothing I can do to help, I bet nobody wants to hear me talk about therapy or psychiatrists, and that's stupid of me to do as well, as the system is not helping me either. I feel like I'm supposed to act, to prevent death you know? Like when you see someone drown, you want to jump into the water. But it's hopeless to even try, as it won't do shit at this point. Suicide is just part of our society, I'm just in a place where I see it happen closely.
Absolutely. The 'system' wants mentally struggling people to die. There's a reason that mental health services never get invested in, globally.
I have tried therapy, various types of medication for many years, psychiatrists, even went to a psychiatric hospital... and look where I am. I don't think I got hurt or made feel worse, but I do still struggle the same, I might even say my mental state has just been gradually getting worse over the years. I know there are people who can get better with meds and therapy, but I hate how society forces EVERYONE to just struggle and suffer because "maybe you can recover". Of course I still recommend people to at least try medication and therapy, but if you try again and again, you should just be able to die if you want. I personally do prefer dying without anyone close knowing, I want it to be private and alone. Alternative would be dying by the hands of someone I'd love or just dying together in a double suicide with someone I'd love. Honestly I wish I was in a bad enough mental state to start planning ctb again, but the truth is that I'm in between. Still not feeling good enough to help myself in any way, but also not bad enough to ctb. Sorry for the random rambling, I guess I have a lot on my mind.
No need to say sorry. We all can relate.
Yep, I'm very very mentally ill, but most people don't seem to be understanding or empathetic.
Yep.. and worst part is how taboo the topic of suicide is. I mentioned it to my friends once, when I was at the psychiatric hospital and wanted to explain that I had a ctb plan, but I decided to seek help instead. It was.. awkward. Basically I said it and one friend was kinda trying to respond? But didn't say much. The other just said she can't continue the conversation and just thanked me for seeking help an healing myself. But you need to understand that the second friend is traumatized after her best friend commited suicide two years ago, she has a hard time handling that topic. Still.. it's like... their reaction didn't really encourage me to tell them about this sort of thing again.. it's not that it was a mistake but rather, what's the point? If they do save me from a try, then it will just make things weird again, maybe even cause them to cut some of the contact with me. It's probably hard for them to see someone just fail again and again to recover, it's like looking at a trainwreck. I feel like there's no benefit in telling non-suicidal people about my feelings, they simply will never ever get it. Only one best friend of mine gets it, and it's because she's also very suicidal and also very mentally ill like I am. Suicide is just something you only understand once you've been suicidal.
If we were more aware and supportive about people's mental struggles, there'd be less suicides. You're left to deal with it on your own. Having a decent support structure would save a lot of lives. Maybe not a lot of us here, but certainly a lot of people that kill themselves after short term mental illness.
I think there's like a "socially acceptable level of mental illness" xD
Absolutely. The whole "act normal" shit is just their way of trying to sidestep those struggling mentally. They can't relate and they don't want to hear about it. It's an uncomfortable truth.
Yeah, it's sad honestly. People only truly care after you're dead.
Dunno, I personally wouldn't stick around just because by some off chance you've found someone awesome, it's best to not get comfortable with the idea of them being around. Although I do agree, maybe if ways can be found to cope then it's an alternative to ctb even though I'm clutching my SN tightly as possible.
Been quite a few people that have been gone lately, Stepz being one of them who came to me for help for their SN regimen and riellending too, I spoke to them as they were taking their sn.
Yes, I've noticed a lot of people are going lately. I think you are strong for speaking to them as they took sn. I've only done this once as I spoke to cscott as she was close to completing her sn regimen, it's Incredibly sad, yet I guess you just have to keep your emotions at bay and be happy that they will soon be free from suffering.
Oh you spoke to Cscott, that's interesting and she left not too long after Toofargone did. The last thing Riellending said to me was how they could understand why people do vomit after he drank SN and that was Saturday, October 14th at 8pm. It was hard to sit through and even I didn't know what to make of it since.
This exactly.
For my closest best friends it's 100% just painful for them to see me like this as they care a lot about me, and I put them under a lot of stress sometimes.
I think this autumn might have hit a lot of people with seasonal depression, at least I feel very low and I'm dissociated every day past few days. I also isolated a bit from friends, I don't ask to hang out neither irl nor in vc. I only came to one halloween party last week, but that's about it. I wish I had some weed so I could make this depression burst easier for myself.
I always found depressed and struggling people to be the nicest ones around, they truly know what existential pain feels like, and know how it's like to be at war with yourself. Depressed and suicidal people always managed to cheer me up the most when times are hard, but sadly, the more caring and empathetic you are on this planet, the worse you have it. Life rewards ignorant, stupid assholes only.
I'm very sorry to hear that, I wish you peace, no matter in what form.
I 100% agree but we r all mortal. So overall it doesn't matter.
