Venting Sad New Year (2025)

[TAW122]

Alas, it is now 2025 and while most people celebrate the first few minutes or hour of the New Year (or any), I consider it another reminder of yet another year of sentience, which of course, comes with suffering as always. Without much further ado, one of my New Year's Resolution is to hopefully punch my bus ticket in, maybe 2025 would be the year where time and circumstance are just aligned enough where I will just go through with it (after deliberate planning and preparation of course). Beyond that, I still bide my time and try not to make suffering any worse, and generally try to keep up appearances for obvious reasons.

What are your thoughts on this, does anyone share similar sentiments going into the New Year?

 

[JustHere1]

Someone let off very large fireworks on the sidewalk outside my window at my apartment complex. It's dead quiet everywhere and I'm dealing with the aftermath of a panic induced depressive episode - was difficult to go through. I'm very tired. I have my gun and I'm scared of pain and suffering. I'm trying to feel comfortable and I am getting more exhausted by the day, resting most of the time because my legs are giving out more and more by the day. I'm just shaking half the time from exhaustion even just holding something. So tired. This isn't curable and I have nothing left here. Just ordering food to get by with the remainder of my credit card while isolating until I am able to kill myself. I am afraid of lingering (my method is sound - Jericho 941rs, 9mm JHP WIN, parallel mouth 10-15*), but I want to combo with a fall from a bridge if possible, over land, to finalize my death if I linger in pain. I am so afraid of this unknown agony and terror of being trapped in my mind from critical damage, the idea of screaming in silence with unbelievable pain is traumatizing to even consider.

I don't have the option to get a shotgun or something more effective than the gun I have because I have no car and I was lucky to get the one I have. I can't acquire a more comfortable method with the exhaustion, the risk is too high for me. So I'm just trying to focus just enough to decide how I'm going to go through with this. It's been so long and I am so tired. I want to go home and I am trapped in this house of horror. I am having night terrors that seem to be getting worse in their liveliness and I had one recently that traumatized me so deeply I am physically recoiling from recollecting it. Just exhausted. Just sleep and sleep and sleep and walk and rest and sleep again. Waiting for the time.

 

[grungy自殺]

I personally wish I could catch the bus this year

But I only have a couple years left until then to do it

So it makes me sad that I can't go through with it

Which the irony that I'll like to put it in is the resentment of not being able to go through my death, makes it a sad new year.

If It was now the year when I'm planning to do it

Then it makes a happy new year

I'm sorry with what you're going through

whatever route you're taking I hope it gives you the peace that you need (whether alive or dead)

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah, I'm dreading even one more year to get through but I fear I might have more of them. (Waiting for my Dad to go first.)