Rushing to CTB before set date

[Suffocated]

I have set a date that doesn't come for almost 2 months, but I'm tempted to CTB today; I have a rather rare opportunity to do it today. It's a situation that doesn't present itself too often. I also am so sick of the pain. I wanted to die since I was 12. The only thing that changed is that I've gained more reasons to do it and lost more reasons to continue torturing myself by keeping it alive. I've had 3 attempts that were all impulsive and done with little planning.

Is it wise to do it today? Knowing that I originally didn't want it to be impulsive, but when I think about it - does it matter anyway? The hurt I'm going to cause is the same no matter what.

 

[WornOutLife]

I think the wisest choice is to never act impulsively.
Please, think it through. After all, there's no coming back with this decision.

Hugs and love and good luck with whatever decision you make!

 

[shadowchaser]

I agree with @WornOutLife. Even though the end result is the same whether the action is impulsive or not, I think it's definitely valuable to consider the decision at length beforehand. I can see acting impulsively causing you pain or discomfort, or panic as SI kicks in.
I'm so sorry you're even considering this today, though! Hugs

 

[Suffocated]

Thank you both for your advice.
The opportunity ended up being unexpectedly closed... I guess I'm back to my original plan.

 

[NodusTollens]

Sorry to hear that things fell through, I get the desire to want to just CTB now instead of waiting- especially since you've had these desires for so long.
—hugs—

I hope you can find peace & support from SS until your plan is ready.

 

[Suffocated]

I don't if am going to post this, but I just that I'm in dire need for venting. I don't want to write this somewhere where a lot of people can read.

I just want to tell myself something, something that I never truly told myself before. I'll use both first- and second-person pronouns to refer to myself.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that you had to live this life, I'm sorry you don't have a life. I'm sorry that you were born with this innate sadness and apathy. I'm sorry that you had debilitating social anxiety and depression. I'm sorry that in kindergarten, the school had to call your parents to ask them why I was so quite and seemed sad. The only thing written in your grade report beside the full marks was a note saying "he's excellent in schoolwork, but a little too quite". I'm sorry that you would just sit there alone in the break when everyone else were playing together and being kids. I'm sorry that you are pathetic and can't seem to enjoy anything or "have fun". I'm sorry that the closest thing to happiness you know is the unstable embarrassing mess called mania that you had due to bipolar disorder. I'm sorry that you hate yourself so fucking much.

I'm sorry that you where born in a place and a family that rejects your orientation, but I'm even more sorry that you yourself reject it as bad, if not more. I'm sorry that you couldn't just be straight and have less self-loathe. I'm sorry that you hate yourself too much to live life against all odds, and say fuck it and run away... I'm sorry that you're too weak to do that.

I'm sorry that your lost; lost control and agency over your own emotions, thoughts, behavior, and even movements now. I'm sorry that if I decide to keep going that you're destinated to live a miserable life, being under the mercy of symptoms and medications. I'm sorry that the kindest decision is to stop it all.

I'm sorry that there is no reasonable scenario where you live a happy life, and I'm even more sorry that wasn't even something you ever hoped for.

I'm sorry that there's nobody that can understand what you're going through. I'm sorry that there's nobody who respects your decision to leave.

I'm sorry that you had to see the few people that care about you hurting because you've been too depressed to hide it for 7 months. I'm sorry that you have to feel so trapped where you can't rid yourself of your pain without causing others pain.

I'm sorry that I hate you too much to tell you that I'm sorry.

Just know that when I put you to rest that it'll mean that I love you enough to put you before others. It'll be the way that I express my forgiveness and love towards myself.

 

[Suffocated]

I woke up today with this extreme dread that I'm still alive... It happens a lot that I wake up dreading having to live another day - but today something is different... I feel so uncomfortable with the fact that I'm alive and I hate myself for not ending it sooner and for failing previous attempts.

I feel restless, I can't take my mind off of it, I can't sleep, and I don't seem to be able to distract myself.

 

[Suffocated]

Thanks, life! You're a fucking bitch, as always, but this time, you were cruel!
Why would you get my hopes up, just to crash me down harder than ever?!