running away

[clearing eyes]

i want to run away from home and live with my boyfriend. i'm 18, so i know that i can legally do anything i want. the only thing stopping me is that my dad and the rest of my family will probably never want to talk to me again. i wouldn't mind being cut off from them, at least that's what i tell myself. my dad has hurt me a lot, but he has also provided for me. physically, but not emotionally. he's the main reason why i doubt myself and hate myself, and i crave his approval almost instinctively.

my family expects me to go to college, but the closer my move-in day gets the more terrified i am. i don't even want to go, and i don't think it would be worth it. the only thing i excel at in the slightest is art, and everybody knows that's not a lucrative profession. of course, a degree is important. i'm just terrified. i'm insecure about the way i look, the way i dress, the way i talk. i don't know how to make friends. the only way i've made friends in high school is by cracking jokes and being randomly approached by people, but i don't think i'll have the same luck in college.

i'm a trans man living in the south, so i won't be able to act like myself at all. living in my hometown will also delay my transition, and i want to go on testosterone before i turn 20. basically, i feel suffocated here. if i stay here any longer, my life will pass me by. but if i leave, i don't know if i'll be able to afford to go to school if and when i do decide to go. i have a scholarship and my dad is helping to pay for it too. is college as important as people make it out to be?

what should i do? i know that in the long run i should do what is best for me, and i can't live my whole life catering to others even if those people are my family. it's not like i really know what's best for me, though. i realize how privileged i am to have my dad not immediately kick me out and have me fend for myself. the thing is, though, i want to be independent. i'm so used to only doing what i'm told, i'm terrified to act for myself. even in every day situations, i try to do things for myself but my dad takes over and tells me he will do it. of course, he then proceeds to complain about how helpless and immature i am.

basically, i don't think i will be able to heal in the environment that i was hurt in. even though i won't be living at home, i don't want to be anywhere near it. so many traumatic things have happened here. the house is always cluttered. i just feel depressed being here. i don't want to be here for 4 more years. what should i do? do i sound spoiled? should i just suck it up?

 

[Deleted member 19654]

Ultimately, it's your choice and you have to do what's right for you. But what I will say is you don't know what college will be like till you give it a go and try it out. So perhaps give it a chance? I'm not sure what it's like over in the US, but when I went to university they had an LGBT society that people could join and just hang out with like-minded people. Also, you say you want to be independent and that's what will happen if you move out for college. You gotta start fending for yourself. For me, it was a little daunting at first but I liked the freedom. You may find yourself in a better environment that allows you to grow.

When it comes to jobs and your future career, having a degree certainly helps but alongside that you'll also need work experience. Of course, there are people out there who do fine without having gone to university.

If you really hate it there, there's the option of dropping out but try not to start college with that mindset if you do decide to go.