My partner keeps threatening to break up with me if I don't get better, which is fair. But anytime that I say "okay" and just accept it, he basically comes back really really sad, crying, and saying that he regrets breaking up with my and remembers all the happy times we had together when I was not depressed and in fact , in denial about what a disgusting failure I was.
He cries like every day, I noticed that I aged his face a shitton with my bullshit and we're only in our 30's so that sucks and I'm really sorry about it. But as long as he's fine w it I dont' mind. Now he wants us to "start over" and "take a break" so that we can both get better and get back together. Here's the problem: I want to kill myself insanely badly.
I promised I would get help and keep myself safe but I don't want that, I truly do not enjoy life and want to die. I know it's gonna break him and he'll never be the same again and I worry he will not have the chance of a happy future anymore. He is extremely sensitive, one of those people that is always like believing in "true love" and "soul mates," and while I am a bit 'woo' (I believe in an an afterlife and reincarnation and some newagey nde stuff), I feel like this stuff is hurting him. His health is bad, he had a cancer scare which he got better from but now might get worse because of me. I've let the tower fall and it can't be built back up.
He spent a full year trying to help me get better, paying for my therapy because I lost all of my money, bringing me flowers and gifts, making me food, and of course, doing all of these things because he wants me to be happy and loves me. I am heartbroken to have done this but I simply can't continue being so below average in life. I am heartbroken, I worry that I will kill him. Even now he is crying saying he wants to be the one to make me get better. I feel like such an asshole.
He cries like every day, I noticed that I aged his face a shitton with my bullshit and we're only in our 30's so that sucks and I'm really sorry about it. But as long as he's fine w it I dont' mind. Now he wants us to "start over" and "take a break" so that we can both get better and get back together. Here's the problem: I want to kill myself insanely badly.
I promised I would get help and keep myself safe but I don't want that, I truly do not enjoy life and want to die. I know it's gonna break him and he'll never be the same again and I worry he will not have the chance of a happy future anymore. He is extremely sensitive, one of those people that is always like believing in "true love" and "soul mates," and while I am a bit 'woo' (I believe in an an afterlife and reincarnation and some newagey nde stuff), I feel like this stuff is hurting him. His health is bad, he had a cancer scare which he got better from but now might get worse because of me. I've let the tower fall and it can't be built back up.
He spent a full year trying to help me get better, paying for my therapy because I lost all of my money, bringing me flowers and gifts, making me food, and of course, doing all of these things because he wants me to be happy and loves me. I am heartbroken to have done this but I simply can't continue being so below average in life. I am heartbroken, I worry that I will kill him. Even now he is crying saying he wants to be the one to make me get better. I feel like such an asshole.
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