Discussion …romance got to me and i’m in pain

[leyl]

And for the first time in these 19 years of life; i am feeling myself becoming a hopeless romantic 𖠋

I have never been in a relationship. "But how? Why?" i have often been asked. Well the answer is simple: simply because?
Like, it's not that evident to be in a couple. You have to like someone and they have to like you back. For the few crushes i've ever had, that last part just never got true.
I also simply wasn't interested in dating too young and being asexual definitely made it all pretty chill.
I didn't want to just 'date', i wanted a connection so strong we could understand each other on such a deep level we would feel like one. I wanted a partner that was my best friend at first. Something strong and lasting.
But in the meantime, I found friendships to be just as or even more important.

But here i am, finally catching myself longing for it.
I think the fact that i've made my final plans to ctb (in the next 1-2 months) has definitely exacerbated this want.

I want love (romantic).
I have always had so much love to give but have always received nothing much back.
I want someone to be in love and awe of me as much as i tend to.
All i ever found was abuse and hurt back. I have been used and made to see that my only value was the pleasure people took out of force and deception from me.
My worth has depleted. I am only filth and rot now.

I am dying. And i will die without knowing that warmth. My heart aches at this prospect and i don't know what to do.
I am giving my last bits of love to the people around me: my family and my friends.

I really hope my love stays around somewhere in the people around me. May this energy keep on helping them. May my buried corpse fertilize the land around it.

— Um yeah that's about it, have you felt like this?​

 

[EyesOfNight]

The only time I feel like this is when someone is interested in me and I start to open old wounds. It's just pure emotional chaos for me. At those times I also feel the need to shower other with love.
It sucks to feel this way and I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Oof. I know exactly how you feel cause it's almost exclusively all I've felt for practically 20 years. It started with my first crush when I was 11 and that feeling hasn't gone away even when I move on years too late after the fact to other people who've never loved me back. It's not just about the getting to feel the love, it's about the feeling of giving it that my entire existence seems to thirst for. Every cell is screaming to hold someone who'd hold me back in such a fashion and to be 30 years old without ever having experienced it is the ultimate hell for me. I can't even stand a year longer in it.

 

[houseofleaves]

I think i understand you very well. I somehow am in peace with the prospect of never being loved or something... or not. you can't really cope with things like this, ever.