Responsibility and fear of failure

[tary]

I'm currently enrolled in a school and haven't run out of money yet, although I'd have to go into student loan debt if I wanted to live past January next year.
I have little to no desire to live, but my suicidality is also due to a feeling of responsibility to my family and a fear of failing in life. I want to quit while I'm ahead, so to speak.
I would be less suicidal if I had no responsibility or possibility of further failure in life, like if I was so disabled somehow that I'd never have to earn a living again.
I'm not sure if I'd want to live until old age in that case either, but I'd probably keep going for longer.
But this also means I'm not as afraid of getting serious brain damage or something from when I attempt to CTB with my SN, which further encourages me to do it, because I can't get a bad outcome, at worst things stay the same as they are now.
So I will probably attempt before January.

Thoughts? Does anyone feel similarly?

 

[tary]

To clarify by "family" I mean my mother and brothers, I feel like I'd disappoint and cause them unnecessary worry if I became homeless or something.
I don't have children or a spouse, in part because I've known I'd kill myself eventually since I was a teen.

 

[Artemisia]

I know how that goes. Being a perfectionist by nature, I was a very good student until I went to college. Then not all went according to plan and I panicked, because I not only lacked the previous experience of failing and how to deal with it, but also because I was raised by someone who instead of offering support and share her experience of a considerably longer life, reacted like I had murdered someone. Failing tasks is perfectly normal, there's no such thing as failing in life! The secret I wish someone had told me when I was young is that most people go on with life failing all the time and having as little responsibility as possible. Oh, they're doctors and teachers and lawyers and every other job you can think of... and they do the very minimum; just show up somewhat on time, do whatever basic stuff is enough to look like they're working and, if anything goes wrong (and it will!) they'll just find someone or something else to blame. I'm here, on this site, because incompetent doctor upon not giving a damn doctor upon give me the money but not work physiotherapist destroyed my body, and while I lie in bed watching my life turn to nothing, they go on perfectly content with the job done because to them I was just being over dramatic, my depression was actually making a little pain feel like it was bad, etc, etc. The secret to life is doing whichever minimum allows you to hold a job and remember, always deflect!

I know this a cynic view, but it was something that took me a long, long time to realize. Perfectionism is hell, responsibility is subjective, success is a social construct and there's an extremely high chance your life will not go at all as you imagined or would have liked to. It's like that for pretty much everyone! Most people make their peace with that fact somewhere in their 40s and it's like having a huge weight lifted from their shoulders and they're finally able to enjoy what they have instead of feeling that sense of failure looming over them.

 

[tary]

I know how that goes. Being a perfectionist by nature, I was a very good student until I went to college. Then not all went according to plan and I panicked, because I not only lacked the previous experience of failing and how to deal with it, but also because I was raised by someone who instead of offering support and share her experience of a considerably longer life, reacted like I had murdered someone. Failing tasks is perfectly normal, there's no such thing as failing in life! The secret I wish someone had told me when I was young is that most people go on with life failing all the time and having as little responsibility as possible. Oh, they're doctors and teachers and lawyers and every other job you can think of... and they do the very minimum; just show up somewhat on time, do whatever basic stuff is enough to look like they're working and, if anything goes wrong (and it will!) they'll just find someone or something else to blame. I'm here, on this site, because incompetent doctor upon not giving a damn doctor upon give me the money but not work physiotherapist destroyed my body, and while I lie in bed watching my life turn to nothing, they go perfectly content with the job done because to them I was just being over dramatic, my depression was actually making a little pain feel like it was bad, etc, etc. The secret to life is doing whichever minimum allows you to hold a job and remember, always deflect!

I know this a cynic view, but it was something that took me a long, long time to realize. Perfectionism is hell, responsibility is subjective, success is a social construct and there's an extremely high chance your life will not go at all as you imagined or would have liked to. It's like that for pretty much everyone! Most people make their peace with that fact somewhere in their 40s and it's like having a huge weight lifted from their shoulders and they're finally able to enjoy what they have instead of feeling that sense of failure looming over them.

I'm 32 so I suppose I'm not that immature then
But the older I get, the more I want to die. And that makes me less and less willing to tolerate any hardship required to survive or live comfortably.
So I think an attempt is in the cards still. I hope you can live with your pains for as long as you want to.

 

[Artemisia]

I'm 32 so I suppose I'm not that immature then
But the older I get, the more I want to die. And that makes me less and less willing to tolerate any hardship required to survive or live comfortably.
So I think an attempt is in the cards still. I hope you can live with your pains for as long as you want to.

You are aware of your fear of responsability, which is a lot more than most people are capable of. The sort of people I mentioned above, including the doctors who so casually did this to me, most likely think of themselves as being very responsible.
I think I understand how you feel, if you don't want to be in this world, why bother? It makes sense. Just be sure that you really don't want this, because otherwise t can be a self feeding cycle. You want to ctb because you're not happy with your life and so you make litlle effort, which doesn't allow you to have enough money and a sense of self-fulfilment, which makes you want to ctb... I hope you can sort things out and find the best course for you.

Thanks! The chemicals arrived this week and I had decided I'd do it in the next few weeks... I really am at the limit of my strength, but I'm trying one last doctor next week. Let's see how that goes.

 

[gantaigarashi]

I get you man. I'm also the oldest child of my family and the breadwinner. All the responsibilities are on me. I'm doing a job that pays enough to take care of my family but I hate it to the core.

I can't even move to any other job because I'd have to take a pay cut and it would impact my family a lot. This is one of the reason I want to CTB. I feel so stuck, I think if I CTB atleast my relatives will take care of them, since they have helped us out a lot in the past

 

[tary]

I get you man. I'm also the oldest child of my family and the breadwinner. All the responsibilities are on me. I'm doing a job that pays enough to take care of my family but I hate it to the core.

I can't even move to any other job because I'd have to take a pay cut and it would impact my family a lot. This is one of the reason I want to CTB. I feel so stuck, I think if I CTB atleast my relatives will take care of them, since they have helped us out a lot in the past

That must be terrible, to be financially responsible for people's wellbeing without having had a choice about it, unlike how you can decide to not get married or have children.
I can't tell you what you should do, you know your situation the best. I do think that everyone has the right to die if they want to, but there's often (usually?) complicating factors that the person has to figure out themselves.

 

[Linda]

I'm currently enrolled in a school and haven't run out of money yet, although I'd have to go into student loan debt if I wanted to live past January next year.
I have little to no desire to live, but my suicidality is also due to a feeling of responsibility to my family and a fear of failing in life. I want to quit while I'm ahead, so to speak.
I would be less suicidal if I had no responsibility or possibility of further failure in life, like if I was so disabled somehow that I'd never have to earn a living again.
I'm not sure if I'd want to live until old age in that case either, but I'd probably keep going for longer.
But this also means I'm not as afraid of getting serious brain damage or something from when I attempt to CTB with my SN, which further encourages me to do it, because I can't get a bad outcome, at worst things stay the same as they are now.
So I will probably attempt before January.

Thoughts? Does anyone feel similarly?

Don't be afraid of failure. Almost everyone fails at some things. (Anyone who never fails at anything is not setting the bar high enough.) Just get on with life and try to ensure that you have more successes than failures.

 

[derpyderpins]

Family pressure making everything worse? Yes, I relate.

You're in school, you are your family's responsibility, not the other way around. Doesn't mean they won't fuck everything up but you shouldn't feel the need to indulge them at all.

 

[Onelegman]

I understand you on several points. I am also important in some aspects in my parents' home life. I also feel that it is not worth continuing if the path is going to be so hard, I give up easily in the face of adversity.
It's no longer just that you can fail sometimes, the problem is "that" failure entails irreversible things, it's not like you accidentally cut a thread while sewing, it's cutting the entire piece of clothing and it goes to hell. That's why the pressure is so great.

I have already lived several years suffering and being unable to improve, with and without medical or pharmacological help, I do not want to see the future of anything or anyone.