I was really struck by the film of the 27 year old Belgium women, opting for a VAD, and her father. What a beautiful film.
There are so many things - about acceptance, preparedness, celebrating the good parts of her life, saying goodbye well to people and places.
It's so dificult apart from on here.
I've got to a certain age, that still feels relatively young in terms of life expectancy in my country, but it feels increasingly to me that it's been a good effort to get to this stage, rather than a failure.
There have been periods and moments where I have felt productive, a kind of joy, absorbed by life. But it's felt precarious, a tightrope walk to keep going.
Now increasingly for about 18 months or so, it's unravelled again to a shocking degree, despair and demoralisation - it has felt a bit like psychogenic death but with a horroble awareness of that. I've become house-based rather than housebound, though that's taken an effort.
My partner, bless him, has just had a terrible flu / fever. He has been mainly in bed, back stooped when he has been able to get up. It's broken me a little bit as the nature of our relationship has really been very good friends rather than romantic lovers - one often marked by difficulties in communication and what our needs are from each other. He is a trooper - not looking for worldly ambitions too and because of that and other circumstances, one marked by struggle and loss. Not wanting to hurt him further has kept me go0ing recently, for better or for worse.
But he has some x-factor to keep going, and I admire that. Maybe I had that before but I am not sure if I have it now. But I have been able to talk to him about where I am with things than most mh professionals. I have a counsellor I can open up to too.
So this place and you all have been a boon. My counsellor says she pictures me at the moment of walking through a desert alone. Maybe here, we are a group of penguins on an ice mass, just huddling together for warmth.
Many thanks to you all. Like many here, I am equivocal about what I will do. I guess many of us represent the non-impulsive, non-violent suicidal.
It feels such a pity that people so distressed and demoralised have to collect almost in secret, our stories generally hidden or to act as a deterrent, rather than to be understood, accepted and celebrated.
There are so many things - about acceptance, preparedness, celebrating the good parts of her life, saying goodbye well to people and places.
It's so dificult apart from on here.
I've got to a certain age, that still feels relatively young in terms of life expectancy in my country, but it feels increasingly to me that it's been a good effort to get to this stage, rather than a failure.
There have been periods and moments where I have felt productive, a kind of joy, absorbed by life. But it's felt precarious, a tightrope walk to keep going.
Now increasingly for about 18 months or so, it's unravelled again to a shocking degree, despair and demoralisation - it has felt a bit like psychogenic death but with a horroble awareness of that. I've become house-based rather than housebound, though that's taken an effort.
My partner, bless him, has just had a terrible flu / fever. He has been mainly in bed, back stooped when he has been able to get up. It's broken me a little bit as the nature of our relationship has really been very good friends rather than romantic lovers - one often marked by difficulties in communication and what our needs are from each other. He is a trooper - not looking for worldly ambitions too and because of that and other circumstances, one marked by struggle and loss. Not wanting to hurt him further has kept me go0ing recently, for better or for worse.
But he has some x-factor to keep going, and I admire that. Maybe I had that before but I am not sure if I have it now. But I have been able to talk to him about where I am with things than most mh professionals. I have a counsellor I can open up to too.
So this place and you all have been a boon. My counsellor says she pictures me at the moment of walking through a desert alone. Maybe here, we are a group of penguins on an ice mass, just huddling together for warmth.
Many thanks to you all. Like many here, I am equivocal about what I will do. I guess many of us represent the non-impulsive, non-violent suicidal.
It feels such a pity that people so distressed and demoralised have to collect almost in secret, our stories generally hidden or to act as a deterrent, rather than to be understood, accepted and celebrated.
