Resentment rising

[ph0enix]

Short backstory. I have been hospitalized three times for "depression" - each time 8-10 weeks. I have been in a daytime psychward for 4months. CBT therapy 2016, 2018-2019; psychoanalysis 2020-2022). Took all kinds of meds.

The problem is the hard truth that i never really was clincally depressed!!! My family , therapists and psychiatrists made me believe it. Thus, i spent the "best years" of my life - from 24-29 in those therapy settings thinking i am depressed and I can be helped.

I suspected this earlier that this is false but somehow my family always made me think i have depression. they wanted me to do ect.

It's so a hard knock-out when u realize that your life is just shitty and fucked because of your own mistakes but youre just so unbelievably dumb to take the drugs and go into hospitals.

I lost all of my will to live and am so film of resentment just looking back and recognozing how little i used my time to improve myself and work on getting a job or sth when there was motivation left - especially comparing now with peers.

now theres not a single drop of motivation or will to live left. i feel like the biggest loser for going into these facilitys. wirhout a real mental illness. shame and self-hate is sooo incredible high. i cant go in like this. l

also the reasons why i was so bad in the first place are entirely life-circumstances period. a pill too hard to swallow for my family as it has a lot to do with my adolescence when i was too young to unterwegs , yet a pill so vividly obvious to me.

however, coming to the point of where i actually want to head to: i am now so full of resetnment and self-hate that i find myself hating other people who live "normal" lives. this makes me afraid!

i feel hate towards my family members, towards my friends, and towards strangers… to make it clear it's not that i want to feel bad about them or anything i wish happiness and peace for all beings! but i find myself stuck in this mode and it's really cruel. it's so hard for me … is this like an externalization of the hate i have for myself, the guilt, the bad decision … leading to envy?

it feels like i am not free to not feel hate.

i wonder if it's familiar to anyone here?
i once really was a kind and generous person, please believe me that… but now it seems i changed…
i literally feel all-alone and alienated from everyone including my own family. it so hard. i used to be a normal guy.

i doubt theres a way back and me ctbing is really so sad like i feel i have no soul understanding me and no soul close to me it breaks my heart who i have become…

 

[charmsmilepromise]

I think there are a lot of relatable things in what you said.

I struggle with anger a lot, and I think sometimes it gets to a point where I have really intense feeling and I don't even understand why I'm reacting that way.

With regard to anger at specific people (like your family or friends) -- have you tried making a list of what bothers you about them? I have a lot of anger towards one of my siblings, and I found that writing down the reasons takes some of the edge off and helped me understand it better.

 

[Pluto]

I went through something similar except minus the hospital visits. I was the family's identified patient (scapegoat) who was to be given all sorts of medical labels, forced to see psychologists and blamed for my own PTSD so that the other family members - who I later realised had absolutely heinous mental illness - could camouflage their own sickness. My 20s was essentially wasted believing I was incapable of working, or incapable of being 'normal'. I was brainwashed into thinking I was incapable of anything beyond sitting and browsing the internet in my room, and of course then being shamed for being a leech on the welfare system. Fun times.

I very slowly started to break through, getting a basic job and realising quite bitterly that I actually was capable of doing so after all, then eventually buying a house and now at a stage where I no longer need to work full-time. But because human relationships are far more complex, I have largely missed out on them entirely and this has become a crisis that I may or may not ultimately survive. I am still brainwashed into feeling incapable of being loved, and this is a more complicated dragon to slay because of the way relationships tend to mercilessly reflect our own image back to us like a mirror.

As you are still relatively young, my advice is to use your time and energy very wisely - and lamenting the past (other than healthy venting) is not that. Physical health/fitness, financial independence and good times with loved ones are examples of things that are worth prioritising to the best of your ability. The clock is still ticking.

 

[makethepainstop]

Let's never hate ourselves, that's what other people in the world are for.
Let them say what they will, but only you can know self-truth. Much love to you.