Request: Please read and offer your thoughts

[scottvogel]

This is a blog post that I have scheduled to post at 7:00 p.m. local time tomorrow. If you could, please read it and offer any suggestions. I would appreciate that.

If you're reading this post, then you're reading a post that was actually written on Saturday, but was scheduled ahead of time to post today, Sunday. If you are reading this, then this means that I was likely successful in my bid to die by suicide. I followed my own advice and kept this from everyone, including my wife (46), daughters 16 and 12) and my priest, though I wanted last rites. I didn't get those, obviously.

The reason that I delayed this post should be obvious: I did not do this for attention. I did not want to be stopped or saved. I certainly didn't want to wind up in the hospital. The local media has a habit of covering things like this (people jumping off the bridge for suicide), especially if I managed to cause a traffic backup. If that's the case, then my suicide is on local television and newspaper sites.

I chose the [REDACTED] Bridge because of its height and because of the number of successful suicides. My original intent was to purchase a chemical, which, if used correctly, puts someone down for good in about forty minutes.

I simply couldn't hang on that long.

So, after Mass, I took an Uber to the bridge and jumped out. I then took a fast run to the bridge and, without pausing, I jumped high over the edge before some wannabe hero could stop me. Hopefully, my death was quick and painless. Hopefully, I didn't survive.

My Catholic faith makes it clear that suicide is wrong and it is a mortal sin. I guess I'll have to deal with the consequences wherever I wind up. But I was in such misery that staying alive was nothing less than cruel and unusual punishment.

I really have nothing to say to anyone, so I'll close this post by stating that if I was successful, please know that this was my decision and mine alone.

 

[chester]

All I can say is please don't leave your children, they need a father.

 

[SVEN]

Whatever happened, I hope you are now at peace.

 

[scottvogel]

Whatever happened, I hope you are now at peace.

Thank you. By 3:00 p.m. tomorrow, I will be at peace. This post will automatically publish tomorrow at 7 p.m. I'll try to make one final post on the Uber ride there.

All I can say is please don't leave your children, they need a father.

I thought about that. And they'll be okay. They're financially provided for and they'll be fine. I love them so much, but I just can't hold back anymore.

 

[Just_Another_Person]

While I'm pro-choice and not one to use the argument "think of your family"... I will have to say this time I think you shouldn't do this (at least now). Your kids are very young and this will be extremely hard for them. Maybe try therapy until the youngest turn 18?

 

[scottvogel]

While I'm pro-choice and not one to use the argument "think of your family"... I will have to say this time I think you shouldn't do this (at least now). Your kids are very young and this will be extremely hard for them. Maybe try therapy until the youngest turn 18?

I know it'll be hard on them, but it's hard on me to keep on going. I've been agonizing over this. I'll never get to see them graduate high school, get married, have kids, etc. I need to do this and I'm sorry that it's come to this. They'll get through it and they'll carry on without me.

 

[-Link-]

This scheduled blog post seems rather cold and clinical. Who would be reading this? It seems so cold and harsh that I feel like it wouldn't be suitable for anybody except police officials. Personally, I would definitely not be showing this to anybody I love and care about.

You've commented elsewhere that you "just want to get this done." What's the rush? It's death. It's not like the option is going anywhere.

Now, I am strongly pro-choice and normally wouldn't push back on a post like this that clearly isn't asking for or inviting help of any kind. But your life isn't the only life on the line here.

Of course I don't know your family dynamic or anything that led up to this. But of your two children, you said you "know it'll be hard on them?"

"Hard" is what happens when they fail a math test or get cut from the soccer team.

Generally speaking, when a child loses a parent at all -- let alone to suicide -- the level of "hard" is so painfully high that there aren't any words that could even describe it -- so much so that it could lead a child into following their parent in death, through a suicide of their own.

I know you are agonizing over this, but if there is any possible path forward that has you surviving at least for your children's sake, please consider that and muster up whatever strength you have left inside you to take that path.

 

[scottvogel]

This scheduled blog post seems rather cold and clinical. Who would be reading this? It seems so cold and harsh that I feel like it wouldn't be suitable for anybody except police officials. Personally, I would definitely not be showing this to anybody I love and care about.

You've commented elsewhere that you "just want to get this done." What's the rush? It's death. It's not like the option is going anywhere.

Now, I am strongly pro-choice and normally wouldn't push back on a post like this that clearly isn't asking for or inviting help of any kind. But your life isn't the only life on the line here.

Of course I don't know your family dynamic or anything that led up to this. But of your two children, you said you "know it'll be hard on them?"

"Hard" is what happens when they fail a math test or get cut from the soccer team.

Generally speaking, when a child loses a parent at all -- let alone to suicide -- the level of "hard" is so painfully high that there aren't any words that could even describe it -- so much so that it could lead a child into following their parent in death, through a suicide of their own.

I know you are agonizing over this, but if there is any possible path forward that has you surviving at least for your children's sake, please consider that and muster up whatever strength you have left inside you to take that path.

I have no strength anymore. I'm tired of living with schizoaffective. I'm tired of the voices. I'm tired of LIFE. The only path is death.

I chose tomorrow to jump because the wife and kids will be at church and then going to a friend's home. I can get an Uber from my parish after Mass that'll take me directly to the bridge. From there, it's a matter of run like hell and jumping. The kids are away with their grandmother for the weekend, so if my wife leaves today for any reason, I will sure as hell get that Uber.

This isn't just a whim. I planned SN, but it got caught in customs. I don't want to wait another week from a vendor here in the USA. My only options are:

1.) Suicide by cop
2.) Jump off a building
3.) Jump off a bridge

 

[Reflection]

The fact that you believe in hell and are still this convinced to end it says it all...your pain must be unimaginable and I'm very sorry you're going through this. One can only hope some kind of peaceful resolution happens, but anyway, I hope you find your peace and may God be with your wife and children.

 

[sevennn]

Thank you. By 3:00 p.m. tomorrow, I will be at peace. This post will automatically publish tomorrow at 7 p.m. I'll try to make one final post on the Uber ride there.

I thought about that. And they'll be okay. They're financially provided for and they'll be fine. I love them so much, but I just can't hold back anymore.

they won't be ok at all. my dad just died and they won't be ok whatsoever, not at all :,( at least write them a little letter of their own and tell them you love them. what you wrote is tautology since everyone already will know that you jumped

 

[mango-meridian]

If you really want to go through with this, and you feel any gratitude for your friends and family members, mention that. Tell them you love them (if that's true). Make it clear that it's not their fault that you are ending your life, but rather schizoaffective disorder and any other mental health issues you are dealing with. This will relieve them of a lot of guilt they would have had otherwise.

Honestly, I have a lot of respect for people who are able to leave notes. I used to want to leave a note, then it became a whole ordeal because I wanted to get it exactly right and it became another hurdle to ctb. I think leaving a note at all is thoughtful and a nice gesture.

 

[-Link-]

I have no strength anymore. I'm tired of living with schizoaffective. I'm tired of the voices. I'm tired of LIFE.

I never had the slightest doubt about your suffering, and I really am sorry you're in so much pain.

Hopefully, we won't one day in the future be talking to either of your children as members of this forum.

I'm wishing you well as can be under the circumstances and hope you can find something inside you that allows you to survive beyond the next 24 hours and opportunity to look at possible paths toward longer-term survival.

 

[scottvogel]

I never had the slightest doubt about your suffering, and I really am sorry you're in so much pain.

Hopefully, we won't one day in the future be talking to either of your children as members of this forum.

I'm wishing you well as can be under the circumstances and hope you can find something inside you that allows you to survive beyond the next 24 hours and opportunity to look at possible paths toward longer-term survival.

Thanks.

If you really want to go through with this, and you feel any gratitude for your friends and family members, mention that. Tell them you love them (if that's true). Make it clear that it's not their fault that you are ending your life, but rather schizoaffective disorder and any other mental health issues you are dealing with. This will relieve them of a lot of guilt they would have had otherwise.

Honestly, I have a lot of respect for people who are able to leave notes. I used to want to leave a note, then it became a whole ordeal because I wanted to get it exactly right and it became another hurdle to ctb. I think leaving a note at all is thoughtful and a nice gesture.

I'll do that.

 

[suffering_mo_7]

Why do you need a blog post? Why can't you schedule a personal email to the ones you love only and explain things? Forget about the method, etc. Write from your heart and why you are doing this. Make it personal. Forget the faith stuff. Tell them what they mean to you and why you can't go on.

I can come only empathize with you as a parent. I don't know your suffering as I don't have schizo effective disorder. I have had neurological and brain damage from a medical procedure and am suffering physically, mentally and neurologically..was already struggling with anxiety and some sutuational depression before that. No one can understand this hell unless they have lived it. I am Christian. I also have small children. I love them so much and am so afraid for them and don't want to hurt them. But this is unlivable for me and I have to believe that God knows that, given that as a parent I could never send one of my suffering babies to hell. I don't know why He allowed it for me but the suffering is too much and even for them, I can't go on much longer. I can only speak of my own all encompassing pain....if you are functional and have some moments of peace, comfort, happiness, and you can withstand it, at least for the sake of your kids, please do. I'm sorry you feel you have to do this.... Unfortunately, I understand that.

I never had the slightest doubt about your suffering, and I really am sorry you're in so much pain.

Hopefully, we won't one day in the future be talking to either of your children as members of this forum.

I'm wishing you well as can be under the circumstances and hope you can find something inside you that allows you to survive beyond the next 24 hours and opportunity to look at possible paths toward longer-term survival.

I agree with this but we need to have empathy. I am a mom and some of us suffer beyond imagining for things outside of our control. It's hurtful for me to see comments like this because I already feel incredible guilt for my situation, for my children, and that I am unable to withstand the torture that I am in. I can only speak for me, not this man. Just please be gentle.

 

[DrinkyCrow]

I'll absolutely get all of you saying that he should think of his kids; having parents is a privilege, not a right unfortunately.

I honestly would've preferred a dad who I met and had positive memories with, than the thing that I, and most likely a lot of other people had.

I would still hope that you could find a alternative for yourself (maybe) or at least your families sake, but if that's not the case; I hope you'll find peace.

 

[scottvogel]

Thanks, everyone. My mind is made up though. They'll survive.

 

[-Link-]

I agree with this but we need to have empathy. I am a mom and some of us suffer beyond imagining for things outside of our control. It's hurtful for me to see comments like this because I already feel incredible guilt for my situation, for my children, and that I am unable to withstand the torture that I am in. I can only speak for me, not this man. Just please be gentle.

Thank you for this. That was actually an editing failure on my part. Really a bad place and time for me to mess up like that... I was going to say (but then edited out before posting) that he doesn't need to explain himself or justify himself to me or anyone else here, and that what I was saying was only concerning his children.

@scottvogel and @suffering_mo_7 (and anybody else on here who's the parent of young children), to be clear, in my pushing back against the idea of suicide with young children in consideration, I do so without attaching judgement to you because I don't have the whole picture and feel like it's not my place to judge without it. (If I say something unduly harsh elsewhere, please call it out again like you did here.)

 

[suffering_mo_7]

Thank you for this. That was actually an editing failure on my part. Really a bad place and time for me to mess up like that... I was going to say (but then edited out before posting) that he doesn't need to explain himself or justify himself to me or anyone else here, and that what I was saying was only concerning his children.

@scottvogel and @suffering_mo_7 (and anybody else on here who's the parent of young children), to be clear, in my pushing back against the idea of suicide with young children in consideration, I do so without attaching judgement to you because I don't have the whole picture and feel like it's not my place to judge without it. (If I say something unduly harsh elsewhere, please call it out again like you did here.)

Thank you for your kindness. I do feel, that in pretty much all cases, the parent should NOT suicide if they can possibly avoid it and live. God have mercy on those of us suffering so much, and are tortured, that we feel we have no choice..... and for our kids.

 

[scottvogel]

Thank you for your kindness. I do feel, that in pretty much all cases, the parent should NOT suicide if they can possibly avoid it and live. God have mercy on those of us suffering so much, and are tortured, that we feel we have no choice..... and for our kids.

This is one of those cases where everyone is better off without me. Besides, they're moody teenagers (well, my youngest in two months). They'll bounce back without me.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you found peace from all the suffering, to me existence really is so cruel.

 

[scottvogel]

I hope you found peace from all the suffering, to me existence really is so cruel.

Peace for me will come at 3:00 pm tomorrow. I want to avoid delaying traffic, but I have no choice. The way the bridge is built, I will cause massive delays, pissing a lot of people off. But I will run fast and jump high.

 

[Davey40210]

It seems your mind is made up. I only wish you the best and hope you succeed without suffering.

It's also good to publish it publicly so hopefully people will start to realize. My only addition would be to say that it is tragic the world does not offer less horrific methods to allow people a dignified choice.

God bless.

 

[suffering_mo_7]

Peace for me will come at 3:00 pm tomorrow. I want to avoid delaying traffic, but I have no choice. The way the bridge is built, I will cause massive delays, pissing a lot of people off. But I will run fast and jump high.

Is there no other way? When I considered this method, I discovered that other people can be hurt or even killed if you land on their vehicle. This even happened recently. Also, you could be detained prior to jumping. If you are successful, having this in the news for your kids to have to read over and over, along with everyone else knowing, will cause them more pain along with shame or embarrassment. And if you do hurt someone else, your spouse could get sued for that money you think they will have. And please, no SBC. That rarely works and you will likely just end up in prison. These are just some considerations. I understand the desperation and I am sorry that life has brought you to this.

 

[scottvogel]

Is there no other way? When I considered this method, I discovered that other people can be hurt or even killed if you land on their vehicle. This even happened recently. Also, you could be detained prior to jumping. If you are successful, having this in the news for your kids to have to read over and over, along with everyone else knowing, will cause them more pain along with shame or embarrassment. And if you do hurt someone else, your spouse could get sued for that money you think they will have. And please, no SBC. That rarely works and you will likely just end up in prison. These are just some considerations. I understand the desperation and I am sorry that life has brought you to this.

Since I can't wait for SN, my choices are the bridge or SBC.

I have life insurance that's older than two years. It'll pay out.

I'll be careful to not hurt anyone.

As for the news, there's not much a man can do about that.

 

[blackwidow]

Said with no judgement.....
They will survive... And they maybe moody.. As you say.. And you very obviously have your mind made up. Let me just say one thing.., they will never ever get over this.. Ever. Tomorrow you not only end your life, but you change your children's future forever.. I hope that when it comes to the last time you look at them tomorrow that something inside you as a father changes.. And if it doesn't, I send you a hug and I hope you know that many people's inboxes are open in here if you ever need a chat or a rant...
Also not sure what country you are but in the UK suicide voids all insurances, life included

 

[Unspoken7612]

Firstly, I cannot imagine what you must be going through. You do have the right to commit suicide if you wish.

I really do think you're underestimating the impact this will have on your loved ones. I think at the very least, you should write something that attempts to explain to them why you have done it. They might eventually manage to move on with their lives, but there is a good chance they will not, and losing a parent to suicide at 12 can be profoundly life-altering. Please write something that lets your children know that this is not their fault, that you love them immensely, that you know how much they love you and will miss you, that you're deeply, incredibly sorry, and that you're only doing this as a very last resort because you see no other way to end the suffering associated with being schizotypal. If you want to do this for yourself, and you will not be dissuaded, please go above and beyond to try and minimise their pain.

I deeply wish that you both try something else and it succeeds. I am really trying to toe a fine line here and I might not have the words. I want to support you in your pain and respect your autonomy, but I also can't bring myself to say anything that might encourage you.

You have made it this far. You have survived a lot of difficult days. So far you have a 100% success rate at staying alive. I hope you both keep going and find a life that is more tolerable. There are lots of options for therapy and medication.

Ultimately, I also want to end my life, but I have no real responsibilities. I would devastate my family, but we are all adults, and nobody is depending on me. A child who loses a parent that young does not "get over it", it's not like losing a parent to old age.

Also not sure what country you are but in the UK suicide voids all insurances, life included

That is not correct.
https://www.legalandgeneral.com/insurance/life-insurance/health/does-life-insurance-cover-suicide/ - L&G will pay out as long the policy is more than a year old. Other insurers will have a two-year policy. Very few will "void completely".

 

[scottvogel]

I'm in the USA, and individual states set their own coverages. My state requires companies to pay out after two years.

 

[yariousvamp]

whatever you choose. i hope you find peace

im strongly pro choice so im not the type to tell you to live for your family. because thats what im currently doing. living this miserable ass life for my family and its painful. i just wanna go. people say itll get better but it never did for me and never will. it would be hypocritical of me to tell someone else to live for their family when i cant take my own advice.

whenever people try to give me a reason to live. its always "think about your mother/ youll hurt your beloved ones" etc. never giving me a reason for myself to live. i can also see similar responses in this thread only telling you to live for the sake of your children.

I also wanna say. if you change your mind and wanna continue living. give yourself a reason to live. make a plan list to enjoy your life. because strictly living for other people when you have 0 reasons to live for yourself will leave you dead inside. i wish you the best.

 

[scottvogel]

whatever you choose. i hope you find peace

im strongly pro choice so im not the type to tell you to live for your family. because thats what im currently doing. living this miserable ass life for my family and its painful. i just wanna go. people say itll get better but it never did for me and never will. it would be hypocritical of me to tell someone else to live for their family when i cant take my own advice.

whenever people try to give me a reason to live. its always "think about your mother/ youll hurt your beloved ones" etc. never giving me a reason for myself to live. i can also see similar responses in this thread only telling you to live for the sake of your children.

I also wanna say. if you change your mind and wanna continue living. give yourself a reason to live. make a plan list to enjoy your life. because strictly living for other people when you have 0 reasons to live for yourself will leave you dead inside. i wish you the best.

I have no reason to hang on, other than my baby girls. But at some point, I have to do what's right for me

 

[blackwidow]

Firstly, I cannot imagine what you must be going through. You do have the right to commit suicide if you wish.

I really do think you're underestimating the impact this will have on your loved ones. I think at the very least, you should write something that attempts to explain to them why you have done it. They might eventually manage to move on with their lives, but there is a good chance they will not, and losing a parent to suicide at 12 can be profoundly life-altering. Please write something that lets your children know that this is not their fault, that you love them immensely, that you know how much they love you and will miss you, that you're deeply, incredibly sorry, and that you're only doing this as a very last resort because you see no other way to end the suffering associated with being schizotypal. If you want to do this for yourself, and you will not be dissuaded, please go above and beyond to try and minimise their pain.

I deeply wish that you both try something else and it succeeds. I am really trying to toe a fine line here and I might not have the words. I want to support you in your pain and respect your autonomy, but I also can't bring myself to say anything that might encourage you.

You have made it this far. You have survived a lot of difficult days. So far you have a 100% success rate at staying alive. I hope you both keep going and find a life that is more tolerable. There are lots of options for therapy and medication.

Ultimately, I also want to end my life, but I have no real responsibilities. I would devastate my family, but we are all adults, and nobody is depending on me. A child who loses a parent that young does not "get over it", it's not like losing a parent to old age.

That is not correct.
https://www.legalandgeneral.com/insurance/life-insurance/health/does-life-insurance-cover-suicide/ - L&G will pay out as long the policy is more than a year old. Other insurers will have a two-year policy. Very few will "void completely".

I stand corrected.. It must of changed them and I wasn't aware