H
HayBunny23
GuiltyLittleBunny
- Feb 15, 2023
- 65
To start, I'd never make him do anything he doesn't want to do. I plan to kill myself with helium and my hubby has expressed wanting to come with me. This is 100% his free decision and he can leave whenever he wants to. I planned to make a double chamber so we can look at each other while we die. He can take his head out of the bin and walk away at any time; even if it was to call the cops or stop me from being successful. He is free to do what he chooses. That being said..
I'm firm in my decision to die. I've wanted to die for a really long time, and have regretted everything I've done since I failed my first suicide attempt in middle school. In between there and now, I got married. Don't ask me how, it was in some desperate attempt to ease my isolation. It was a mistake to think I should be around anyone, because now I've made him want to die.
I tell him I want to die, he tells me that he doesn't want me to go without him. I don't think he says this to get me to stay here though.. In my eyes, it's more like "okay, are you sure you want this? I'm scared but lets go together."
I don't think he really wants to die deep down though. I feel that he wants to live and be happy with me. He wants to fight and live together and to just be happy. It makes me feel like shit that it's the one thing he wants and I can't give it to him.
He says to me that if I did die, that he would probably just sit around and wait to die himself, thinking about me, and cry. He says I've made him the happiest he has ever been, besides being a very young child. When we met, he was isolated, no one was there for him except for social workers(he is autistic) who didn't care if he lived or died. Because of me, he wouldn't even have the social workers help anymore.
I don't know what to do. I just feel an insane amount of guilt. I'm so sick, I have a mental break down every day. I have a huge gash on my forehead right now from when I smashed it repeatedly into a sink. He tried to stop me, and I physically got up and pushed him off of me. I don't want to ever hurt him. He is the most precious thing I've ever known. I should have controlled myself and stop hurting myself. I know how much it hurts him to watch.
He describes me like a broken stained glass window. He can see what a beautiful piece I once was, the beautiful colors still there... But if you move wrong you'll cut yourself on it or break it more.
It makes me feel like shit
I tell him I'm a garbage human. He says I'm not. I tell him that I abuse him, he says that I don't even hurt him, that i feel all this guilt for no reason. It's fucked up, but I almost think he is stupid or lesser than just because he chooses to love me/ be with me. I guess anyone could argue that someone wanting to kill themselves doesn't have the capacity to make that decision, just because killing yourself is usually seen as a bad thing; and now I'm forcing the same logic on him. That only a mentally insane person would want me. I'm a hypocrite. More guilt more fun.
Lately he talks about having baby fever. Sometimes I imagine that, having a normal life and all the trimmings. I think it would be a beautiful thing to get to know a new person.. I can't live with the guilt of bringing a new consciousness into this world to suffer... On top of probably being an abusive mother. Though sometimes, in my fucked up head, I think about having his baby, then offing myself so hubby wouldn't be lonely without me.
I don't like hurting others, I really don't. I keep doing it though. I feel like that's why I should die. Even if my life gets better, I feel like I'm toxic for everyone else.
I should just die. I'm sorry I'm such a coward. I'm sorry I drag more people thru my shit the longer I go on. I wish it would just stop.
I'm firm in my decision to die. I've wanted to die for a really long time, and have regretted everything I've done since I failed my first suicide attempt in middle school. In between there and now, I got married. Don't ask me how, it was in some desperate attempt to ease my isolation. It was a mistake to think I should be around anyone, because now I've made him want to die.
I tell him I want to die, he tells me that he doesn't want me to go without him. I don't think he says this to get me to stay here though.. In my eyes, it's more like "okay, are you sure you want this? I'm scared but lets go together."
I don't think he really wants to die deep down though. I feel that he wants to live and be happy with me. He wants to fight and live together and to just be happy. It makes me feel like shit that it's the one thing he wants and I can't give it to him.
He says to me that if I did die, that he would probably just sit around and wait to die himself, thinking about me, and cry. He says I've made him the happiest he has ever been, besides being a very young child. When we met, he was isolated, no one was there for him except for social workers(he is autistic) who didn't care if he lived or died. Because of me, he wouldn't even have the social workers help anymore.
I don't know what to do. I just feel an insane amount of guilt. I'm so sick, I have a mental break down every day. I have a huge gash on my forehead right now from when I smashed it repeatedly into a sink. He tried to stop me, and I physically got up and pushed him off of me. I don't want to ever hurt him. He is the most precious thing I've ever known. I should have controlled myself and stop hurting myself. I know how much it hurts him to watch.
He describes me like a broken stained glass window. He can see what a beautiful piece I once was, the beautiful colors still there... But if you move wrong you'll cut yourself on it or break it more.
It makes me feel like shit
I tell him I'm a garbage human. He says I'm not. I tell him that I abuse him, he says that I don't even hurt him, that i feel all this guilt for no reason. It's fucked up, but I almost think he is stupid or lesser than just because he chooses to love me/ be with me. I guess anyone could argue that someone wanting to kill themselves doesn't have the capacity to make that decision, just because killing yourself is usually seen as a bad thing; and now I'm forcing the same logic on him. That only a mentally insane person would want me. I'm a hypocrite. More guilt more fun.
Lately he talks about having baby fever. Sometimes I imagine that, having a normal life and all the trimmings. I think it would be a beautiful thing to get to know a new person.. I can't live with the guilt of bringing a new consciousness into this world to suffer... On top of probably being an abusive mother. Though sometimes, in my fucked up head, I think about having his baby, then offing myself so hubby wouldn't be lonely without me.
I don't like hurting others, I really don't. I keep doing it though. I feel like that's why I should die. Even if my life gets better, I feel like I'm toxic for everyone else.
I should just die. I'm sorry I'm such a coward. I'm sorry I drag more people thru my shit the longer I go on. I wish it would just stop.