Venting Relationships...

[mmh4]

I ruin them. My boyfriend is second guessing me. He won't admit it, but I know he is. He knows he can't do this forever and I don't know when I'm going to get better. My sexual abuse as a child has recently fucked up my relationship with sex as an adult and it is just now affecting me so bad that I freeze up and shut down, even with my own boyfriend. The worst part? I can't even tell him about it. I don't know how. He asks what's wrong and I just have to look at him and tell him I can't talk about it. It's upsetting him and he doesn't understand...its so hard on our relationship but I don't know what to do. Ever since I froze up and couldn't tell him why, he doesn't love on me anymore or rub my back or do the stuff he normally does. Distancing himself before he goes? Fuck, everything is a guess. The only fact is that I destroy everyone I love.

 

[FreedomInDeath]

You cannot help you are traumatized. That is something your partner needs to know so they can help you through it. I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope you find a kind patient man to help you heal.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I understand..... I am going thru the same.... only in a dating situation. I was the victim of a pathological that played mind games so hard I ended up having a complete mental breakdown and PTSD..... I had no idea how much my trust in other had been affected till I met this amazing guy. I am in therapy and still, I feel like I ruined the best thing I ever had..... he isn't completly gone..... but its been a over a week since I heard from him and he was the one I had hoped would give the the second chance in life I wanted.... so I ll be catching the bis as soon as a good time to go arises.

Communication is key.... some people feel rejected even though that isn't out intent. Please try and tell him, so at least if he does leave you can comfort yourself by saying you did all you could....

Im not sure why many men arent sympathetic to the needs of women who arent perfectly comfident, self assured and have high self esteem...... It may just be a testoesterone thing....

I hope that there is a glimmer of hope left for you.......

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

The only fact is that I destroy everyone I love.

If I can be direct, this statement seems a bit hyperbolic in this situation. You're not destroying him. You have an issue that has temporarily come between you.

I don't know how long you've been together, or if you live together. But if I were in your position, I would consider whether he's proven himself trustworthy so far. I would consider how he's handled personal disclosures, how compassionate he's been toward me, if he has treated me with respect, if he has proven to be a safe person, and how he treats others. If his actions have not proven he is safe, then I would not tell him, and I'd start considering the possibility of ending the relationship. If he has proven safe and worthy of trust, then I would try to find a way to tell him, perhaps in phases, perhaps in writing bit by bit, paying attention to his responses, and moving forward if his actions prove he is safe to disclose to. I would pay attention to whether he wants to take control, or supports me in gaining power and control for myself.

If he is not able to handle it and is not supportive, that is a reflection of him and not of you or what you experienced.

 

[RedDEE]

Take it from a 30 year old - I know how these relationship things work. When your partner senses something is wrong with you and ask you about it, and you tell them you don't want to talk about it - your partner is probably taking it to heart, and is thinking they've done something bad.

Probably, they are distancing themself from you because they are afraid they have done something or are doing something to hurt you - not because they are planning on leaving you. If you do not be honest and tell them what is wrong, they will think worst-case, take it personally, and think you don't love them. This can and will lead to the end of the relationship.

Do you love and trust this person? If so, you gotta open up. That's how this love shit works.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Unfortunately i can relate. The only thing I can advise you is tell your partner. I know that's not easy, but if you love this guy and want to stay in a relationship with him, he needs to know, if he loves you, together you can do and learn very much.

I wish you love and the feeling of being safe

 

[Muirthemne]

Without knowing more, I'd say his pulling away is actually more likely to be a good sign. He probably thinks he did something wrong, and is trying to respect your boundaries as best as he's able. Sounds like he respects you and doesn't want to make you uncomfortable. Since he doesn't know what's wrong, he's erring on the side of caution by not risking anything that might upset you.

I do think you need to explain things to him if you want the relationship to continue. I get it's hard, and maybe you don't have to tell him everything all at once. You can just say that it has to do with something in your past and isn't his fault. If he's a good guy, that will be enough for now, and he'll be willing to work with you to get through this together.

 

[mmh4]

your responses have all been so helpful, thank you for your help <3

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

First of all, I'm so sorry for what was done to you.

I don't think he's 'distancing himself as he goes', it's more that.. men get validation through sexual contact. It's how they feel loved. So I think he's more just shielding himself from what he sees as your 'rejection' rather than preparing to go. He wants you to validate him because he cares about your opinion of him.

I understand not knowing how to tell him. It IS a big risk, a lot of people just balk when they hear news like that because they can't conceive of it. But.. if he's the right man for you, he'll come around and he'll try to help. It's scary but it has to be done, I think. :/

Sending you love. <3