Hey all,
I'm very sorry if this isn't the right place to post my story and just to vent, I'm brand new here and I just wanted to vent. I thought there might be a separate forum where people could vent and tell their story but this was the only place I could find, so I apologize if it was the wrong area. Anyway, I've struggled with mental health and addiction all of my life. I had one previous attempt before at 17 years old to ctb (NB: I'm sorry, but I'm very new to adult pro-choice movement and might mess up my terminology!). That was done with pills and something I immediately regretted at the time, even though I had written a note. It was extremely prolonged and once my breathing became extremely constricted, I panicked and called 911.
I'm 32 years old now. I hate to get on here and talk anything bad about my Mom, because I do love her and she's a good person. But it's the way that she controls me psychologically that, I believe, has been very damaging. If she wasn't in my life, I believe, it would be a net positive effect on life. It's a harsh thing to say, but intuitively I know that it's true. Since my Dad left, I feel like I've had to play the role of the husband in a sense. Instead of building my own life , when I left home she called me crying and saying that I had abandoned her. I had such a rough run during my teenage years that no rational person would have read my record on paper and expected me to go on and live a productive life (drug abuse, was kicked out of every school in my district at 14, petty crime, mental health, etc.) and yet I overcame all those issues and got a job in IT, mainly due to what I learned because of my interest in hacking as a teenager and one very short course at Everest college, of all places, which allowed me to get my foot in the door. I would have expected her to be overjoyed and support me in building my own life and my own family given how hard it was for me as a kid and no one ever expected me to succeed in anything, but she wanted me to come back home after my Dad left to help her financially to keep the house (she doesn't work and has never worked for almost 20 years now, even though she is healthy, but it's because she is codependant - if she worked a job she could have kept the house with the alimony from my Dad - I just feel like all she had to do was work a part-time job to keep the house but she would rather have had me ruin my 20s just supporting her and not making any kind of relationship). So, I kinda feel robbed in a sense, and on top of that I feel like she prevents me from getting into a relationship.
Anyways, I guess the trauma from my childhood was long lasting, because even though I had those few years of stability where I was working and had a good career at least, I succumbed to my addiction issues again at 25 and I lost everything. That's a separate story though, but going back the issues with my Mom specifically, there are just borderline romantic undertones to our relationship, and when I bring it up due to frustration and she denies it, it makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like our minds are completely 'enmeshed' and I can't even make a decision on anything without her approval and like we're basically the same person. But things like calling me 'sexy' and stuff , even as a joke, or the way she touches me sometimes (with just one finger rubbing me, like you would expect in a romantic relationship). Or the fact that when we go out anywhere, it has been 3 times that people have mistaken us for a couple, and I believe that's because of the way she puts me in front as a leader, or we just give off vibes as being a couple rather than a Mother / Son. Or even the way she looks at me sometimes makes me feel 'ick' , which kinda makes me understand how women say they feel uncomfortable when being stared at by some random guy. But most of all the fact that she has strongly opposed any attempt I've ever made to having a relationship, and acting like a jealous girlfriend and just stopping it. It just makes me feel humiliated. And other things, like when she was briefly trying to date and we had a fight and I said something about her being dependent on me like a husband , and then the next day she called the guy she was seeing. It's just too many things that paint this picture for me, but because I can't prove it or that she never admits it, it makes me feel like I'm going crazy.
Anyways, I think the other thing that plays into me never having a relationship was that my first experience when I was around 12 was extremely traumatic (which I want to make absolutely clear had nothing to do with my Mom, it was a separate thing). I never talked about this openly before but it plays into it as well, I believe. Actually this forum is the only time I've said it openly like that before. But just recently, I completely accepted the fact that I am going to be celibate for the rest of my life and just take care of my Mom financially and emotionally. My Dad basically just wants me to abandon her, but for me it's not possible, because I do love her. She's a good Mom , but how many people even with the best Mom in the world would be thankful if she prevented you from having sex?
But recently I found something that brought PEACE into my life like I never felt before. I studied Buddhism (Mahayana and Japanese Zen) all my life and got a lot of insights that made me feel peace and it was more palatable to my way of thinking, being educated in the West, because there is no requirement for a belief in a Diety. But I just recently read a book on another religion that made me understand it on a deeper level and I saw how similar the core concepts were to Buddhism so I was able to accept it. It completely changed my thought process, and my relationship with time changed. It basically showed me that death was always there and it could take me at anytime, so any kind of mental projection of how my life was supposed to go was a falsehood. I began to love every day like it was my last day and started to be thankful for everything. Also because part of that religion is constant appreciation for the beauty of nature. Never had I before had an experience where looking at trees brought tears to my eyes. Every morning I would smoke a cigarette outside but my mind would filter out the incredible beauty of existence that was always there and I never saw or appreciated before. I cried a lot actually during this time, but it was a cathartic kind of crying. Also, it showed me that no person in this world is above me or below me because all of these hierarchical games that humanity plays is a falsehood, because we all come from nature and nothing is better than anything else in nature. I always felt lower than other people, so this was extremely powerful where I didn't have to feel lower than anyone for any reason, even if they were a billionaire, but also to not feel like I was above anyone. Also, I had felt suicidal ideation all my life and actually suicide is forbidden in this religion because it negates the mindset where life is regarded as a gift that is given to you by no effort of your own, so you can't complain about it. Also the other powerful thing was not to complain even in your own internal dialogue because nothing is of your will, so you just feel pain but you don't agitate it.
Anyways, it was an extremely powerful experience and I wanted to live my life by this religion even though I still have MAJOR philosophical differences with the mainstream of this religion but I believe there are specific sects within it that are more in line with my thinking as being Western educated and not having just blind belief in a specific diety but to rely more on experiential things and reasoning/logic/common sense. But again how I mentioned that I don't feel like an independent person and can't make any decision without my Mom. And just recently, she's opposed to me going into this religion and she just dealt some extremely hurtful emotional blows regarding that which were humiliating and made me feel like a piece of crap. I just feel that even though I have a fucked up family dynamic that isn't easy to resolve and I even accepted the fact that I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life and take care of her, she can't even let me have the one thing that brings me peace while I go through this difficult process.
So anyways, that's where I am right now and the suicidal thinking came back. I really don't want to do it, but I feel that if this isn't resolved, I'm really in a "checkmate" situation. So, I just started thinking about the process again and what I read in the peaceful pill handbook and this is the first time that I feel serious about at least gathering the necessary equipment, also because I have some extra cash now. I've thought about it a lot and I feel like gas cylinder with exit bag would be the best option for me. I thought about some more, perhaps brutal options (ie. jumping) which would leave a lot less room for failure but for some reason I want to leave a body that looks at peace, and the thought of my family seeing my body like that still hurts me. I don't really have a date right now, but I was thinking sometime in September if I can gather all the equipment and do the necessary research by then. Probably the one thing that prevented from taking this step before was thinking how it would hurt my Mom. But if she blocks me from having this peace in my life, then it's not even a matter of hurting her or not hurting her anymore, it's literally "checkmate" because I'm bereft of any other option for peace or freedom.
But I felt that this forum was the only place to go to because every other place is so judgemental and all they come back at you with are these platitudes like "you may have the courage to die, but you have to have the courage to live!!!!!!!" and "you will get through this and be happy and live a long life!!!!!" and I know they mean well, but it's still so annoying, even though it's coming from a good place. I think this idea that the only way to have a good life is to live to long age is a cultural thing that isn't in line with how nature actually is, or other how other cultures in the past viewed the dying process. So, I came to this place because I felt like if people aren't immediately saying "DON"T DO IT" , it might give me the space to talk about things from all different angles and maybe I could figure out the best way for me, even if I decide not to ctb. I feel like when people get into this absolutist mode of "DON'T DO IT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE!" when someone brings up suicidal feelings, it's really just as bad as someone actually encouraging someone else to do it, because it blocks free-thinking. So, that's why I found this forum and I like the philosophy of this forum and I feel like I could really open up in here.
Anyways, I'm really sorry for the long post and for my writing. I'm on a lot of different medication as well right now but a very haphazard cycle right now, so it is effecting my ability to communicate effectively, so I apologize for my writing. Actually, writing all of this out has already helped me to feel better because it reiterated the things that made me feel so strongly about converting to that religion and maybe I could even stand up to my Mom. So, thank you to anyone who read all of that and provided me the space to vent and I look forward to getting to know you!
(NB: It's kinda hard to put all of this out there, and I just want to reiterate that I do love my Mom and there's a lot of good things about her and I wouldn't be me without her, there's just issues that are now pushing me to the brink, but I don't blame her, because I know that she's a victim of her life too)
I'm very sorry if this isn't the right place to post my story and just to vent, I'm brand new here and I just wanted to vent. I thought there might be a separate forum where people could vent and tell their story but this was the only place I could find, so I apologize if it was the wrong area. Anyway, I've struggled with mental health and addiction all of my life. I had one previous attempt before at 17 years old to ctb (NB: I'm sorry, but I'm very new to adult pro-choice movement and might mess up my terminology!). That was done with pills and something I immediately regretted at the time, even though I had written a note. It was extremely prolonged and once my breathing became extremely constricted, I panicked and called 911.
I'm 32 years old now. I hate to get on here and talk anything bad about my Mom, because I do love her and she's a good person. But it's the way that she controls me psychologically that, I believe, has been very damaging. If she wasn't in my life, I believe, it would be a net positive effect on life. It's a harsh thing to say, but intuitively I know that it's true. Since my Dad left, I feel like I've had to play the role of the husband in a sense. Instead of building my own life , when I left home she called me crying and saying that I had abandoned her. I had such a rough run during my teenage years that no rational person would have read my record on paper and expected me to go on and live a productive life (drug abuse, was kicked out of every school in my district at 14, petty crime, mental health, etc.) and yet I overcame all those issues and got a job in IT, mainly due to what I learned because of my interest in hacking as a teenager and one very short course at Everest college, of all places, which allowed me to get my foot in the door. I would have expected her to be overjoyed and support me in building my own life and my own family given how hard it was for me as a kid and no one ever expected me to succeed in anything, but she wanted me to come back home after my Dad left to help her financially to keep the house (she doesn't work and has never worked for almost 20 years now, even though she is healthy, but it's because she is codependant - if she worked a job she could have kept the house with the alimony from my Dad - I just feel like all she had to do was work a part-time job to keep the house but she would rather have had me ruin my 20s just supporting her and not making any kind of relationship). So, I kinda feel robbed in a sense, and on top of that I feel like she prevents me from getting into a relationship.
Anyways, I guess the trauma from my childhood was long lasting, because even though I had those few years of stability where I was working and had a good career at least, I succumbed to my addiction issues again at 25 and I lost everything. That's a separate story though, but going back the issues with my Mom specifically, there are just borderline romantic undertones to our relationship, and when I bring it up due to frustration and she denies it, it makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like our minds are completely 'enmeshed' and I can't even make a decision on anything without her approval and like we're basically the same person. But things like calling me 'sexy' and stuff , even as a joke, or the way she touches me sometimes (with just one finger rubbing me, like you would expect in a romantic relationship). Or the fact that when we go out anywhere, it has been 3 times that people have mistaken us for a couple, and I believe that's because of the way she puts me in front as a leader, or we just give off vibes as being a couple rather than a Mother / Son. Or even the way she looks at me sometimes makes me feel 'ick' , which kinda makes me understand how women say they feel uncomfortable when being stared at by some random guy. But most of all the fact that she has strongly opposed any attempt I've ever made to having a relationship, and acting like a jealous girlfriend and just stopping it. It just makes me feel humiliated. And other things, like when she was briefly trying to date and we had a fight and I said something about her being dependent on me like a husband , and then the next day she called the guy she was seeing. It's just too many things that paint this picture for me, but because I can't prove it or that she never admits it, it makes me feel like I'm going crazy.
Anyways, I think the other thing that plays into me never having a relationship was that my first experience when I was around 12 was extremely traumatic (which I want to make absolutely clear had nothing to do with my Mom, it was a separate thing). I never talked about this openly before but it plays into it as well, I believe. Actually this forum is the only time I've said it openly like that before. But just recently, I completely accepted the fact that I am going to be celibate for the rest of my life and just take care of my Mom financially and emotionally. My Dad basically just wants me to abandon her, but for me it's not possible, because I do love her. She's a good Mom , but how many people even with the best Mom in the world would be thankful if she prevented you from having sex?
But recently I found something that brought PEACE into my life like I never felt before. I studied Buddhism (Mahayana and Japanese Zen) all my life and got a lot of insights that made me feel peace and it was more palatable to my way of thinking, being educated in the West, because there is no requirement for a belief in a Diety. But I just recently read a book on another religion that made me understand it on a deeper level and I saw how similar the core concepts were to Buddhism so I was able to accept it. It completely changed my thought process, and my relationship with time changed. It basically showed me that death was always there and it could take me at anytime, so any kind of mental projection of how my life was supposed to go was a falsehood. I began to love every day like it was my last day and started to be thankful for everything. Also because part of that religion is constant appreciation for the beauty of nature. Never had I before had an experience where looking at trees brought tears to my eyes. Every morning I would smoke a cigarette outside but my mind would filter out the incredible beauty of existence that was always there and I never saw or appreciated before. I cried a lot actually during this time, but it was a cathartic kind of crying. Also, it showed me that no person in this world is above me or below me because all of these hierarchical games that humanity plays is a falsehood, because we all come from nature and nothing is better than anything else in nature. I always felt lower than other people, so this was extremely powerful where I didn't have to feel lower than anyone for any reason, even if they were a billionaire, but also to not feel like I was above anyone. Also, I had felt suicidal ideation all my life and actually suicide is forbidden in this religion because it negates the mindset where life is regarded as a gift that is given to you by no effort of your own, so you can't complain about it. Also the other powerful thing was not to complain even in your own internal dialogue because nothing is of your will, so you just feel pain but you don't agitate it.
Anyways, it was an extremely powerful experience and I wanted to live my life by this religion even though I still have MAJOR philosophical differences with the mainstream of this religion but I believe there are specific sects within it that are more in line with my thinking as being Western educated and not having just blind belief in a specific diety but to rely more on experiential things and reasoning/logic/common sense. But again how I mentioned that I don't feel like an independent person and can't make any decision without my Mom. And just recently, she's opposed to me going into this religion and she just dealt some extremely hurtful emotional blows regarding that which were humiliating and made me feel like a piece of crap. I just feel that even though I have a fucked up family dynamic that isn't easy to resolve and I even accepted the fact that I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life and take care of her, she can't even let me have the one thing that brings me peace while I go through this difficult process.
So anyways, that's where I am right now and the suicidal thinking came back. I really don't want to do it, but I feel that if this isn't resolved, I'm really in a "checkmate" situation. So, I just started thinking about the process again and what I read in the peaceful pill handbook and this is the first time that I feel serious about at least gathering the necessary equipment, also because I have some extra cash now. I've thought about it a lot and I feel like gas cylinder with exit bag would be the best option for me. I thought about some more, perhaps brutal options (ie. jumping) which would leave a lot less room for failure but for some reason I want to leave a body that looks at peace, and the thought of my family seeing my body like that still hurts me. I don't really have a date right now, but I was thinking sometime in September if I can gather all the equipment and do the necessary research by then. Probably the one thing that prevented from taking this step before was thinking how it would hurt my Mom. But if she blocks me from having this peace in my life, then it's not even a matter of hurting her or not hurting her anymore, it's literally "checkmate" because I'm bereft of any other option for peace or freedom.
But I felt that this forum was the only place to go to because every other place is so judgemental and all they come back at you with are these platitudes like "you may have the courage to die, but you have to have the courage to live!!!!!!!" and "you will get through this and be happy and live a long life!!!!!" and I know they mean well, but it's still so annoying, even though it's coming from a good place. I think this idea that the only way to have a good life is to live to long age is a cultural thing that isn't in line with how nature actually is, or other how other cultures in the past viewed the dying process. So, I came to this place because I felt like if people aren't immediately saying "DON"T DO IT" , it might give me the space to talk about things from all different angles and maybe I could figure out the best way for me, even if I decide not to ctb. I feel like when people get into this absolutist mode of "DON'T DO IT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE!" when someone brings up suicidal feelings, it's really just as bad as someone actually encouraging someone else to do it, because it blocks free-thinking. So, that's why I found this forum and I like the philosophy of this forum and I feel like I could really open up in here.
Anyways, I'm really sorry for the long post and for my writing. I'm on a lot of different medication as well right now but a very haphazard cycle right now, so it is effecting my ability to communicate effectively, so I apologize for my writing. Actually, writing all of this out has already helped me to feel better because it reiterated the things that made me feel so strongly about converting to that religion and maybe I could even stand up to my Mom. So, thank you to anyone who read all of that and provided me the space to vent and I look forward to getting to know you!
(NB: It's kinda hard to put all of this out there, and I just want to reiterate that I do love my Mom and there's a lot of good things about her and I wouldn't be me without her, there's just issues that are now pushing me to the brink, but I don't blame her, because I know that she's a victim of her life too)
