Help Relationship possibly leading me closer to my limit

[nawee]

I think being in this relationship is making me more suicidal than I am outside of one, I can't help but feel angry and hurt, stupid and wanting to harm myself.
He is a good person, but a few months prior he used to be terrible towards me.
He'd scold me for being upset at his abscense, telling me how my bipolarism was so much work and too much, he almost broke up with me because I wouldn't send nudes anymore because I was insecure. He'd get angry at me and tell me to stop being so sad because he was gone so much, threatened to break up with me multiple times all though I wasn't really making a fuss out of things. I usually just felt sad but I was happy he was there and asking him where he was ETC since he left with no update whatsoever.
But for the past few months he realized his mistake, he did drugs one day and told me how he realized how he needed to appreciate me more and life more in general so he genuienly changed I think.
But after he told me this it's like something in me just snapped, I realized everything and I suddenly just became a new person.
I've been more depressed, I've felt like I havent been able to feel any emotion properly it's like I'm not even there? I've started to get bothered by his presence, but I don't want to feel this way because deep down I just really love him but can't help but feel some sort of anger around him for the stuff he did to me months prior.
I don't really take it out on him, but he's noticed how different I am and is visibly upset about it.
It's made me return to selfharm and returned to suicidal thoughts and I don't know how to stop it, I don't want to leave him we've known eachother since we were both 10 years old. He means a lot to me, is there anything I can do to fix my thoughts? Fix my relationship, or even help me cope with my suicidal thoughts? He doesn't know I'm on here, he doesn't even know I'm doing harm to myself. I'm scared to tell him because I don't want him to worry, what should I do? How do I fix myself and my behavior? I'm afraid I might actually do something to myself

 

[unnormal9]

what should I do?

Ask, guess I'll answer.
Leave. Or stay—doesn't matter you'll do what's best for yourself.

 

[msocks]

Did he apologize and talk to you about how he acted a few months ago while sober? If not maybe that's contributing to the feelings of anger and resentment you're having.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I would say leave, but that's not what you want to hear. It sounds like you've been mistreated or even abused on some level and you're not over it. Something else to consider is that if you are bipolar, the apology and subsequent realization may have triggered you into an episode. Nothing wrong with that. You don't have to be over what he's done. Your body and mind are reacting to the trauma that he put you through in the time he was acting that way toward you. I don't think you're stupid for that. I think it's normal and reasonable to be angry after you've realized that you've been hurt deeply or treated like shit by someone. Sometimes these realizations don't creep in until much later. Only way out is through. It sucks that this has brought you to ideation and hurting yourself. I'm really sorry for that and I hope that can be cleared up, whether that means working it out with him or leaving him all together. Imo no relationship is worth your sanity like that.

While I don't think its a great sign that he had to get high to realize that he hurt you, only you and him can understand your relationship and each other. If you really wish to stay with him, and if he is truly a safe person, I think it's worth talking to him about it. Maybe while you guys are out in public on a date or something, just to stay on the safe side when it comes to his reaction. But if he cares, he needs to know that he's hurt you and how he's hurt you, and it may help if he can explain why he was acting that way in the first place and give you his perspective (these will only be explanations for bad behavior though, not excuses). If you're going to stay together, this is something that you have to work on together as well. It will take a lot of time and a great effort to build up the trust and lessen the resentment again.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do, I'm wishing you the best. Most importantly, please be safe.

 

[nawee]

Did he apologize and talk to you about how he acted a few months ago while sober? If not maybe that's contributing to the feelings of anger and resentment you're having.

He hasn't apologized, atleast not properly. The only apology I got was a half assed one because he was on drugs and I was trying to get him to sober up. He is sober now, he hasn't really mentioned the things he done to me yet atleast

I would say leave, but that's not what you want to hear. It sounds like you've been mistreated or even abused on some level and you're not over it. Something else to consider is that if you are bipolar, the apology and subsequent realization may have triggered you into an episode. Nothing wrong with that. You don't have to be over what he's done. Your body and mind are reacting to the trauma that he put you through in the time he was acting that way toward you. I don't think you're stupid for that. I think it's normal and reasonable to be angry after you've realized that you've been hurt deeply or treated like shit by someone. Sometimes these realizations don't creep in until much later. Only way out is through. It sucks that this has brought you to ideation and hurting yourself. I'm really sorry for that and I hope that can be cleared up, whether that means working it out with him or leaving him all together. Imo no relationship is worth your sanity like that.

While I don't think its a great sign that he had to get high to realize that he hurt you, only you and him can understand your relationship and each other. If you really wish to stay with him, and if he is truly a safe person, I think it's worth talking to him about it. Maybe while you guys are out in public on a date or something, just to stay on the safe side when it comes to his reaction. But if he cares, he needs to know that he's hurt you and how he's hurt you, and it may help if he can explain why he was acting that way in the first place and give you his perspective (these will only be explanations for bad behavior though, not excuses). If you're going to stay together, this is something that you have to work on together as well. It will take a lot of time and a great effort to build up the trust and lessen the resentment again.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do, I'm wishing you the best. Most importantly, please be safe.

Thank you, reading this made me feel less like I'm not crazy for how I'm feeling. Honestly yeah, maybe leaving is the best option but I think I'm atleast going to try for a bit more to see if things change and see if I feel happy again. He isn't really violent towards me, it's just verbal luckily so I think I'll be safe if I confront him later. Thank you so much for your help, I'll put your advice into consideration