I'm 37 years old, male, white. By most accounts I'm successful, talented and good looking, but I'm ready to take my life, almost everyday.
I moved to "Music City" Nashville and started my own record label. It failed just recently after 3 years. I have a professional studio, one many dream for. The problem is there's nobody to play. Most musicians here are computer users making digital tracks and wanting to be famous, they don't even play instruments. They are clones of each other and imitate each other's country acts. Few play original music. I am a little outside the city and the musicians who actually play generally can't afford a car or they are working brutal jobs and can't get here. They are too self conscious to be on records, even if they are anonymous. The final few who survived these cuts, they wanted instant success, and couldn't hang in there for the blood and sweat that original records take. After 3 years of searching and inviting, my studio is empty 99.999% of the time. I decided there is no possibility, and shut it down, last week.
I put out 18 full length records, basically my life's great pursuit, for 16 years. This time I really decided to try. I went to 3 music groups to share the release, posted on the forums being kind to people and listening to their music, running my own website (I'm a software engineer) and streaming live improvisation music on twitch for 2 hours a day for 2 years. I was shocked after all this, that my listener count on Spotify dropped to zero. Zero! Not even 5, or 10, but 0. I was so humiliated, last week I unpublished all of my records. I had to admit I failed, the world does not care about my music, and my great works do not matter.
I hate my job as a software engineer for decades. It's so boring. I'm not challenged. All people can do is fight over politics in corporate America. We can't accomplish anything. We're not friends. People don't even want to be there. They're just there for the paycheck. Honestly, we all know it's pointless and sucks, but we need the paychecks. I've worked 10 or so positions over the past 15 years, and been highly successful, but it has always been an empty, unfulfilling career. What I want to give to the world, my music, is unwanted by them.
Worse, I realized no amount of success or validation in the music industry will fix me. If anything, it'll cause more problems. I hate this phony town and this dead industry. All the popular records are made by 30 or less musicians, and they all sound the same. Since people aren't even play instruments, and the records are all the same, I'd concluded real music is dead in America.
Then there's the whole women thing. I desire so much to share my life with somebody. I know I have much to offer. But women in America were swept away 15 years ago with this... "feminism" thing? I really don't know what to call it, they all seemed to have abandoned their hopes or desires for relationship and family, and decided to death march into a money pursuit. I feel so much despair that my potential dating partners have abandoned relationship, so they can partake in the empty meaningless soulless corporate death that I have already completed throughout the past decades. I have already been rich and alone in my gorgeous house with a brand new car, and guess what, it's completely meaningless.
I decided to turn my life over to the only thing that matters to me, relationship. But there's nothing to relate over in America. The women want to be alone in their big houses. The musicians don't play instruments. I play tennis and ballroom dance 3 times a week and I cannot even see or meet any women over 24 or under 50. Literally, I haven't met one. I think they're all stuck at work or in career building seminars after hours or they just gave up.
Why even leave the house in America? I've done it for a few months now, and it's empty.
People who think alienation comes down to looks, have so much to learn. People who think it comes down to height or money, have so much to learn. You can have all these things, and be nothing in the world, at none of your own fault, because the society you live in has been eaten alive by relational cancer. If there's anything I can help people with, it's that blaming yourself for your failures, is completely pointless. If there are no jobs in Antarctica, you're not going get a job there. America has a deep level of relational cancer, that effects men and women. The school shootings will increase, the political divides will increase, the deaths of despair will increase for both genders.
There really is no potential in America. You can have a beautiful house and car, but you'll do it completely alone, and that's only if you lucked out into a corporate bullshit job like I have. Really, my life is completely and utterly pointless, because it simply does not matter in relation to others.
All they can tell you is to work out. Get in shape. Work on yourself. Not even my own therapist can stop saying this, and she's a relationship therapist. The relational cancer is so bad in this country that people aren't even aware of it. They take fentanyl, blast each other away, off themselves, drink, or run and hide behind their career or wealth, but what they are unaware of is their complete and total social and individual alienation. There is no culture anymore in America -- everybody is a rapist, predator, criminal, or just a body to fornicate with, or a transaction to buy or sell. People don't even go outside, they live online and believe social media is social connection.
ITs such a sick world, and their sickness effects me greatly, because I'm trying to be in relationship, at 37. Id probably be better off if I quit, isolated myself with drugs porn or video games like most people, but I refuse to be alone anymore. Sadly, I'm alone whether I try to create it or not, so do feel ready to take off.
I moved to "Music City" Nashville and started my own record label. It failed just recently after 3 years. I have a professional studio, one many dream for. The problem is there's nobody to play. Most musicians here are computer users making digital tracks and wanting to be famous, they don't even play instruments. They are clones of each other and imitate each other's country acts. Few play original music. I am a little outside the city and the musicians who actually play generally can't afford a car or they are working brutal jobs and can't get here. They are too self conscious to be on records, even if they are anonymous. The final few who survived these cuts, they wanted instant success, and couldn't hang in there for the blood and sweat that original records take. After 3 years of searching and inviting, my studio is empty 99.999% of the time. I decided there is no possibility, and shut it down, last week.
I put out 18 full length records, basically my life's great pursuit, for 16 years. This time I really decided to try. I went to 3 music groups to share the release, posted on the forums being kind to people and listening to their music, running my own website (I'm a software engineer) and streaming live improvisation music on twitch for 2 hours a day for 2 years. I was shocked after all this, that my listener count on Spotify dropped to zero. Zero! Not even 5, or 10, but 0. I was so humiliated, last week I unpublished all of my records. I had to admit I failed, the world does not care about my music, and my great works do not matter.
I hate my job as a software engineer for decades. It's so boring. I'm not challenged. All people can do is fight over politics in corporate America. We can't accomplish anything. We're not friends. People don't even want to be there. They're just there for the paycheck. Honestly, we all know it's pointless and sucks, but we need the paychecks. I've worked 10 or so positions over the past 15 years, and been highly successful, but it has always been an empty, unfulfilling career. What I want to give to the world, my music, is unwanted by them.
Worse, I realized no amount of success or validation in the music industry will fix me. If anything, it'll cause more problems. I hate this phony town and this dead industry. All the popular records are made by 30 or less musicians, and they all sound the same. Since people aren't even play instruments, and the records are all the same, I'd concluded real music is dead in America.
Then there's the whole women thing. I desire so much to share my life with somebody. I know I have much to offer. But women in America were swept away 15 years ago with this... "feminism" thing? I really don't know what to call it, they all seemed to have abandoned their hopes or desires for relationship and family, and decided to death march into a money pursuit. I feel so much despair that my potential dating partners have abandoned relationship, so they can partake in the empty meaningless soulless corporate death that I have already completed throughout the past decades. I have already been rich and alone in my gorgeous house with a brand new car, and guess what, it's completely meaningless.
I decided to turn my life over to the only thing that matters to me, relationship. But there's nothing to relate over in America. The women want to be alone in their big houses. The musicians don't play instruments. I play tennis and ballroom dance 3 times a week and I cannot even see or meet any women over 24 or under 50. Literally, I haven't met one. I think they're all stuck at work or in career building seminars after hours or they just gave up.
Why even leave the house in America? I've done it for a few months now, and it's empty.
People who think alienation comes down to looks, have so much to learn. People who think it comes down to height or money, have so much to learn. You can have all these things, and be nothing in the world, at none of your own fault, because the society you live in has been eaten alive by relational cancer. If there's anything I can help people with, it's that blaming yourself for your failures, is completely pointless. If there are no jobs in Antarctica, you're not going get a job there. America has a deep level of relational cancer, that effects men and women. The school shootings will increase, the political divides will increase, the deaths of despair will increase for both genders.
There really is no potential in America. You can have a beautiful house and car, but you'll do it completely alone, and that's only if you lucked out into a corporate bullshit job like I have. Really, my life is completely and utterly pointless, because it simply does not matter in relation to others.
All they can tell you is to work out. Get in shape. Work on yourself. Not even my own therapist can stop saying this, and she's a relationship therapist. The relational cancer is so bad in this country that people aren't even aware of it. They take fentanyl, blast each other away, off themselves, drink, or run and hide behind their career or wealth, but what they are unaware of is their complete and total social and individual alienation. There is no culture anymore in America -- everybody is a rapist, predator, criminal, or just a body to fornicate with, or a transaction to buy or sell. People don't even go outside, they live online and believe social media is social connection.
ITs such a sick world, and their sickness effects me greatly, because I'm trying to be in relationship, at 37. Id probably be better off if I quit, isolated myself with drugs porn or video games like most people, but I refuse to be alone anymore. Sadly, I'm alone whether I try to create it or not, so do feel ready to take off.
