Relapsed to self-harm, but it's helping me deal with the heavy suicidal thoughts

[painpaingoaway]

Welp, title says it all. I relapsed to cutting myself after 4 or 5 years clean. I had promised my wife I wouldn't cut myself any longer after she heard me faint in the bathroom after accidentally cutting my arm too deeply, but I had to break this promise.

I'm under the most pressure I ever felt in my life. I have a load of responsibilities at work, we're building our house, we have a little child who demands an insane effort and I feel guilty for absolutely every thing that goes wrong.

If my wife is feeling tired, I feel like I'm not doing enough; if I have problems at my job I feel like a huge fraus; if we have some unforeseen event in the construction I feel extremely anxious with money.

With all this pressure, the suicidal thoughts came back dialed to 11. But this time I don't want to KMS, I want to be well for my wife and kid.

I got back onto therapy and next week I have an appoitment with my psychiatrist to get back on meds. But it's not my first rodeo, I know they take a while to start working.

The only way I found to deal with the thoughts is to cut myself. But since I have to hide it, I can't risk having to get stitches, and I've been doing dozens of shallow cuts in my upper thighs, enough for shedding some blood.

It feels so good, almost a sexual pleasure, but I feel ashamed of breaking the promise. Due to this, I'm cutting even more, because I might have to stop anytime. I never cut myself so much as I'm doing now.

I feel a bit ashamed but I have to silence these thougths. I'm afraid that they might make me act on impulse

 

[lovesucks]

I know it's hard not to feel guilty about self harming again. I would try not to dwell on it. Relapse is a part of recovery and because self harm is an addiction people are likely to relapse.
Using as a coping mechanism is okay at times if it stops you from acting on your suicidal thoughts. It's something I also use to cope. Other coping mechanism are better but RN it's the only way you know to cope at that's alright as long as when you get help to try other options you try them.

Being clean for 4-5 years is such a huge accomplishment. You should be Soo proud of yourself.

I'm glad you are on your way to restart therapy that's a huge step. If you feel comfortable I would suggest maybe mentioning you've relapsed to your wife. I'm sure she'll prefer hearing it come from you rather than finding out you've been hiding it.
I'm sorry your struggling so much and I wish you the best x

 

[irregularreconcile]

I'm not in your exact shoes, but mentally, a similar boat. While it may feel like a step back, it's not. Recovery from self harm is still a wave of relapse and recovery, even at 5 years clean.

You're not alone whatsoever. Even if cutting is deemed a negative coping skill, it's a skill to help us survive nonetheless.

Also, I think you may be struggling due to the dopamine that comes from cutting; At least, that's how I get addicted. Be careful, however- If you can ask for help from a therapist, see if they can meet you halfway. That's how I've slowed down cutting over the years. An accepting therapist can recognize what is NSSI [Non-Suicidal Self Injury] or something at an attempt to CTB. If your therapist knows it's NSSI, you may have a good chance at help to slow down the frequency of cutting.

Of course, this is just my experience and view of it. I'm wishing you the best, because SH is a hell of a battle, but just know you're not alone.